I think there was a critical error in my assumption that physical pain would be easier to endure than emotional pain. There’s a pain threshold in both directions, and mitigating factors are the only thing that can hold them in check
this is all coming out of one of the physically most painful weeks of my life. At least twice a day for four days I had to stop working either because I was losing mobility in my arms, or because I was shaking uncontrollably. Then, against all rationality, I had to return to the task that made me freeze up. 10 hour days, shoving fixtures into a drop ceiling
The upshot is that emotionally it is a very supportive environment. There’s a great deal of comradery and affection in this crew. This is in contrast to my experiences working in social services. That was an emotionally very painful place, but physically it was quite nurturing and kind by comparison….
I think I reached the point that I don’t see how I can keep doing this job long term, it’s too painful. I got an interview with social services, and I plan to give it every chance to go well. Yes, it might be hard on me emotionally, but there are more ways to deal with such things than there are to deal with physical pain. With physical pain, specifically muscle pain, stretching and anti inflammatory drugs are pretty much it. I also think it’s easier to set appropriate emotional boundaries, though that opinion may well change on the other side of the transition
I let slip to one of my coworkers that I had a college degree, and their immediate response was “So what are you doing here?” That stuck in my head, what am I doing here? Physically draining work and way less problem solving than I hoped.
Really, it seems absurd to me that there is more about being an electrician that has to do with moving pallets of material than there is working out A/C problems. I still haven’t had a chance to work with a meter or doing any kind of line testing. It’s all laying out and hooking up, which I could accept in bits, but minus the more interesting planning and troubleshooting, it feels really stupid. What am I doing here indeed? A job doesn’t make a person, and if that is the case why should I work overnights far from home for LESS money than I would get working from home? Family is the only thing that counts to me, and this job is trying to take from that.