waiting is getting harder

I had my interview yesterday morning, and it went reasonably well, with an exception; I won’t know if I got the job or not for a week, and it will be at least two weeks after that before I can start…..

Three weeks, minimum. Right now I’m spending five of my seven days a week on the road, working overnights to earn my pay. I was just home on Monday morning, and already I feel overextended, I just want to go home.

Last night sucked so hard. I was getting that urge, the urge to get out at any cost. My first instinct was to quit, because I can find another job, if I’m dead that’s not a changeable situation…. when that stopped being an option, I wanted to die. In a sort of nothing but relief will help kind of way. I didn’t want to call the hotline, because I know their general answer “Well, sometimes life sucks. Self care is important” like no shit, but self care is very limited when you can’t go home.

By some miracle of patience I made it through the night, but at the end of the night I was so tired and irritated, I fought down my desire to drive home. Then, relaxing at the hotel, I started to feel a little better. I got some sleep, and ate something, and things didn’t seem quite as bleak. Then I called my boss to see if I still had a job, because I stunk last night, the level of shame this job gives me is unmatched, and I’ve done a lot of weird different jobs. He said he hadn’t heard anything, meaning I was in the clear…

weird place to be, emotionally, wanting to get fired.

I have this pillow I’m thinking about getting today, little stuff like that is how I’ve gotten through so far.

I want out though, that is no longer up for debate. This lifestyle, it’s not for someone who wants a family. It’s not for someone who likes themselves. Upshot, maybe I’ll act out the last of my self loathing, but I doubt it, that well is pretty damn endless.

Maybe maybe maybe. Is it such a crime to want things to be certain? To want to believe a deal will be worth doing and not another soul sucking life drain? It’s clearly unrealistic….. not irrational…. once upon a time people mattered….. and to some we still do, it’s just the majority of people that prefer 24 hour shopping, two day delivery and goods at such low prices that wages have to be pitiful.

I swear, the next person I meet praising a billionaire, I’m going to put them in the hospital. See, the billionaires are the problem, but they wouldn’t be if people would grow a backbone. The actual problem is how willing people are to be enslaved, and the people willing to pump out propaganda to perpetuate that slavery.