titles are for losers

I’m terrified that all I truly do is ruin peoples lives. Like their mood, outlook, future, whatever. Just anything. I’m really worried about her too (she uses any pronouns now) and I’m scared that I’ve been in too shitty of a mood and even if I try to keep it light she gets worried and I’m scared that I make them sad… I guess that I could be overthinking it, but it’s not like I could ask because 1. they would deny it and 2. it could possibly make them feel worse by making her feel like the scum of the earth. Nope- that’s just me. I don’t understand what she sees in me. I’m not worthy of loving yet she still stays. I’m still surprised they even came back. I’m so fucking stupid and awful and just everything shitty. Of course I try, I think improving yourself is important, at least trying to, even if you’re already good. Not saying you can ever meet perfection, unless I guess you find your own definition for perfection. I try really hard to improve myself, yet I’m still this scummy piece of shit that leeches of the earth. Last week I went to the counselor at school and she wants to see me again this week. Mental breakdown shit or whatever. I don’t want to now, I feel like I was just being idiotic, per usual. I’m really drained. I miss her to death. I wish I were up there instead of this fucking place. My 8 yr old sister has learned to make people feel shitty, and in some cases manipulate. Probably a lot of cases actually. I don’t think that’s normal. I don’t know where she learned it. It drives me insane. I cant wait to get out of here to a place where I’ll have a door to my room. Overall I just want out. I want out of my head too. I’ve been seriously considering for awhile now. Honestly my partner is the only thing keeping me going. I’m sure many people here will find that laughable, but it’s just how I feel. I love them, they love me back, however undeserving I am of them. They even tell me to eat everyday and stuff, which is something I’m struggling with more lately. I am losing a bit of weight though, so I’m somewhat content even though I’m unsure if I should be. Today I almost passed out from the pain in my stomach because I didnt eat a lot. But I ate a reeses cup or something this morning so it was somewhat unusual, seeing as I usually eat nothing in the morning and I’m better. I think I might just have issues, but I dont know.  My dads been getting agitated at me for not being able to get my hard contacts in, but they’re really fucking hard to do especially as I’ve never had any contacts before anyway. They’re uncomfortable as fuck and while I can see better, I don’t like them. I suppose I’ll get used to them. I’m really tired both physically and mentally. The physical tiredness has increased quite a bit, a little unusual. I’m very lethargic and fall asleep pretty quick. I still wake up a lot at night though. I feel horrible because when I know she needs me late at night I try to stay awake for her and I fail and I feel so fucking bad for it, because I know she’d do it for me and succeed too. Shes too perfect for scum like me. I like that word, scum. It’s kinda fun to say but it gets my point across. I need to just do better honestly. I don’t have an excuse to be this way, I just am, I guess. I wanna run away from everything. Sometimes I think about running off to end it. I’m just so tired. I’m losing my motive and my will. And my grip. And my ability to control/compose myself. I feel like I’ll just snap at any second. I’m probably just being dramatic and making everything bigger than it is. Proves how horrible I am hahahaha. I’m such a loser. I hate myself theres nothing there to love. I’m pathetic. I’m being dumb. Sorry for talking so much. I can’t ever seem to shut the hell up can I?