I Don’t Even Know What To Say

It’s my birthday Sunday. I feel nothing about it. Maybe just shame that I’m getting to be this old but still haven’t managed to really grow up. Haven’t managed to accomplish anything. Yesterday I had a meeting with the fellowship organizers about the internship they are offering this summer. I’m scared as fuck about this internship. I don’t think I could do it. That I would just be a waste of an employee. That I wouldn’t be able to complete a project. Then I think about all the times I ran away from responsibility. Senior year of high school, that data analysis project, my capstone. I don’t think I’ll make it. I think I will fail. Plain and simple failure. The whole reason I applied to grad school was because I wasn’t ready to go out in the real world. I felt that I just wasn’t any good at the real world and that I wanted to stay in the classroom. But now I’m starting to find that it probably wouldn’t have been that much different that getting a job. I don’t know. I just don’t find myself lasting in the real world. I’m scared and there’s really nothing to be done about it.