This morning, I woke up first thing and got high. I have the day off, but I wish I was at work. Not sure how to spend my time. So since theres nothing else to do, and more honestly because I wanted to do it anyway, I got high. I suspect Im addicted.
In 31 years of life, I dont think Ive accomplished knowing even the first thing about myself. My personality, likes, dislikes, goals, etc. have changed so many times over the years that I feel as if Ive never had a clear picture of myself before. I used to think the solution was to explore all kinds of things and see what I like, but that has caused me more problems than not. In my life ive been goth, into hiphop culture, a kurt cobain wannabe, in gay relationships, in straight relationships, a transgender woman (I took hormones and changed my name, then detransitioned back to a man. I committed a felony before I got to change my name back and went to prison–and that really sucked. So now im stuck with “Brianna” as my legal name because they wont let me change it back. I have tried multiple times in court. Its always the same thing, “We have to keep track of you in the system”. Because of this in particular, I feel incredibly emasculated and especially stupid, because I did that to myself. It my own fault.)
When I look at myself and my life, I see a train wreak with scents of compulsive hedonism.
Okay, Im done for now. TL;DR Im just rambling because Im high.