I talked to the hotline. Well, the online chat line, anyway. Same people.
I didnt get very far. The person on the other end was really slow to respond. So slow in fact that a pale yellow window poppped up that said, “You have been idle for 5 minutes. You must talk within the next few minutes or your chat will end.” Thats not verbatim, just the gist. And I thought, “thats some bullshit. I shouldnt be kicked out while waiting for the people working the hotline.” I waited a little longer, and then just decided to leave. I cant say that I found it helpful.
Ill say this though. Ive gone through the whole depressive, suicidal thing for years. Depressed, psych ward, released, hospital bills, broke, depressed, repeat. You exchange numbers with the other patients, but no one ever stays in touch. Ever. Ive said it for so many years that I was going to kill myself. I think im getting closer to actually, *actually* doing it. Like, not just posting about it, but actually ending my life. Im disgusted with myself, im not happy, its been 13 years since I began thinking, “maybe things will get better, keep going”. I work, I drink, I get high, maybe I ask for sex, she says no, and then I go to sleep and do it all over again.
I couldve had a much better life if I wouldnt have started hating myself so young. But my self-hate took too many good, important things away. And now, I cant stand the life im living. Anyway.
TLDR; I texted the suicide hotline, it went bad. I might actually do it soon.
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6 comments
I’ve never been able to get anything out of the text chat option…. so I can’t really advise there.
I can’t help but think about the drive you had a few months ago. It looked like things were really going to get better. I have to wonder if the lack of relative progress is why you’re feeling this way now?
I’m trying for middling. Life isn’t getting better, or worse. It just is, being sucked into hope is just as awful as despair
Save up emotional responses for when they are needed. Not that I’m saying such a thing is easy… just less painful
“Ill say this though. Ive gone through the whole depressive, suicidal thing for years. Depressed, psych ward, released, hospital bills, broke, depressed, repeat. You exchange numbers with the other patients, but no one ever stays in touch. Ever. ”
YES, all of what you wrote above. Same here. And yeah, when you meet other suicidal ppl in the hospital in the same broken path as you, you’re right, NO ONE EVER keeps in contact. maybe we are all too broken too? idk. i’ve tried and been unsuccessful.
Suicide hotlines are shit. They’ve never worked for me. I think I may have tried chat or an app once, didn’t work either. Maybe it works for others, but maybe it doesn’t even work for most suicidal depressed ppl. idk what the stats are but those hotlines aren’t as good or helpful as everyone pushes they are, so I hear you on that.
Why do you hate about yourself? Why can’t you stand your life?
Yeah I’ll go on record saying the suicide hotline never helped me, and it never helped any suicidal person I’ve ever talked to.
The suicide hotline exists solely for non-suicidal people to think “help is available” so they can wash their hands of us. So they don’t have to swallow the truth that we are dying and society isn’t doing anything. Talking to some stranger for a couple minutes, getting responses that might as well be generated by a chatbot, is that going to fix a pain so deep that I want to destroy my life? It helps about as much as those dumb suicide awareness bracelets. Or those dumb suicide awareness marches that I can watch on tv as I empty bottles of pills down my throat. Those things never saved anyone. Those are just excuses for society, so they can put the blame on us for not “reaching out”
The suicide hotline literally abruptly took a tone and hung up on me for no reason just as I was starting to break down. It was really bizarre. They way they sounded was almost like I did something wrong.