“Accept what you cannot change.”
I definitely can’t change the past. So I have to accept that I’ve done so many unacceptable things.
And pretty much no matter what I do from this point on, I won’t be able to change people’s perceptions of me for doing those unacceptable things. I will always be a terrible person, and I have to accept that. I have to accept that I will always be alone, psychologically isolated from other people. That I will always have to hide the truth about myself in order to just keep existing in the world.
I obviously can’t change how old I am, or all the years I wasted. I have to accept that my misspent youth is never coming back, and the key formative experiences I missed are gone for good.
It’s a lot to accept, and I’m left with the feeling of not really wanting to exist like this anymore. It would probably devastate my family if I did end it. I don’t want that. But I also really don’t want to be this anymore. It’s just…sad. I’m not living for anything. I have no hope, no meaningful goals, no sense of purpose. I just want want it to stop. I’m so tired of regret, longing, and despair. It’s pointless, but it’s all I’m left with. I have nothing to actually live for. The only real reason I have to live is not messing up the lives of others who do have meaningful lives. My life has no value or meaning in itself.