Sorry for the post explosion. Bad morning. Bad day. Bad life.
We tend to find our niches in life. Safe places among kindred souls. Bubbles that protect us from the cruel chaos of the whole shitshow called reality.
I managed to find a small cove where I feel really comfortable because I’m good at what I do in that domain. I don’t feel like talking about what it is… For the sake of discussion let’s say it’s building bridges out of toothpicks, or something equally worthless (apologies to toothpick bridge builders).
So you’d think a bizarre specialty like that would attract like minded individuals who, at the very least, can chat affably about what kinds of toothpicks to use. Well in this metaphor it seems I’m building my bridges upside down, so I’m a laughing stock & outcast even within my special safe bubble.
Where do you go when you can’t find acceptance anywhere?
Of course the thought keeps coming back: death accepts everyone. Death equalizes everyone. Dust is the same everywhere in the universe. You’ll fit in here.
9 comments
I know it’s only a metaphor, but there’s nothing wrong with being creative and doing things a little differently than everyone else. If They’re putting you down, then that is not your niche, because people in your true niche would be supportive and encouraging. Maybe dumping them and finding/starting a new group would help? The other answer is to try building your bridges the same way everyone else does.
One failure does not necessarily have to be the final failure–if it’s something that you enjoy doing it, then you don’t have to hang up the cloak. Maybe you just need to go back to the drawing board, brainstorm, and try out new ideas.
Rest assured, you are at the very least well-accepted here.
Thanks, Plainwhite. You’re right, those are the 2 logical options: either find a new group, or change yourself to fit in better. I’m open to trying everything.
You hit on the main problem though: if we’re talking about creativity, there’s a certain obligation to do it differently. Otherwise it’s not creativity, it’s mimickery. And that’s my problem… I always go off the deep end because I’m afraid of being just like everyone else.
Shooting myself in the foot, I guess. Can’t have it all, acceptance + originality, it’s really one or the other.
Thanks for helping me sort my brain out. Yes, this is the one place where everyone is accepted. Too bad this can’t be a real life, in-person peer group. But a page on the internet is better than nothing.
Maybe it will help, maybe it won’t, but I’m going to take a chance on it anyway: I write my own music. I play guitar, and I sing. Something that helped me sound more original was creating what I call a “pallet book”. I wanted the sound of my music to better match the moods in the lyrics. So, I took a notebook and wrote down moods at the top of some pages. Happy, sad, angry, disgusted, in love, etc. Then, I listened to a ton of songs and categorized them. That way, when I wanted to create a certain mood, I knew exactly what sources and Influences to draw from. I’ve even blended some moods to express more complicated things, like sarcasm.
Perhaps creating a mood pallet would give you a renewed spark? Idk. Just sharing what’s worked for me.
Technically, despite lots of people growing up in the same area, we all have individual experiences that shape us into the people we become. Mental illness then affects us further, turning us into something even more different.
So, where do we go when we can’t even find the nichest of niches?
I guess a fair bit of us wind up outcasts (sometimes self imposed), or you know, here.
Honestly though, like life, there have been ups and downs here too.
It’s odd really, how as kids we’re told how super special awesome we all are as individuals and can change the world and what not, and yet, normalcy is also a thing at the same time. Yes, rules of morality are there, but what is normal exactly? By definition, what makes us unique, makes us normal. Except no, it doesn’t. It just isolates undeserving people a lot of the time…
Eccentricity of genius level intellect or eccentricity in general has done nothing for a lot of people but made them feel like oddballs, and because some will always be more fortunate, there isn’t a proper outlet for it, hence anxiety depression etc.
I’m not sure how to really answer your question, but maybe something to think about?
Exactly… when we’re kids we’re always told how “special” and “unique” we are. They tell us “you can be anything you want”. Fast forward a bunch of years and suddenly you’re getting Fs in school because you didn’t do the assignment right, or you’re getting chewed out by the boss because you’re not following protocol.
Not that I’m an eccentric genius, I’m mostly just a jackass who comes up with weird ideas, but I get what you’re saying about geniuses getting punished by society. I often think about Van Gogh… Sure we all recognize him as a genius *now* but does that help him any? Even if he knew he would be celebrated one day, do you think that would’ve made a difference in his decision to walk out into a wheat field and shoot himself in the heart? …then walk all the way home by himself because even in his suicide attempt he was an outcast.
I mention geniuses because they tend to be brought up a lot in media, or you know the Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerbergs of the world, etc.
Lots of them also wind up being appreciated more after death even. Eccentricity is more average than not but in media it’s an insane extreme.
I’d like to think that Van Gogh would finally feel some accomplishment, if he could be told about his works now, being studied in museums and classrooms. I can see how frustrated he’d have been in his life where he felt so misunderstood…
It’s cool that we are no longer bound to just the areas we visit to meet kindred spirits. We can just go on a forum or a chat room and find people who we can relate to. World would be a lot different if that was the case all those years ago.
That’s true, we have it so much better than 100 years ago, or even 50 years ago, because we can use the internet to connect with people all over the world. Even this site here is enough to keep me from spiralling out of control, most days. I imagine Van Gogh’s world was a small village, couple dozen people he’d recognize at the cafe, a letter from his brother every few weeks, that’s it.
Maybe I should be content to spew my rants here every few days. It definitely helped me today.
When one is strange, one must cultivate multiple options.
I do anyway, and I’ve yet to find someone who thinks I’m not strange. Kind, sure, intelligent maybe, but definitely strange. I can relate to feeling like an upside down builder in a world of right side up builders.
part of the issue is confidence. It sounds like shame is a major factor in how you compare yourself to others.
but my main idea for you is to develop multiple safe spaces, if possible. I don’t entirely know how I did it, but I’ll talk about mine.
This, I guess I’ll call it a forum because that’s the closest to how it acts. This place is one of my safe spaces. I have no illusions though, I will get hurt here, every now and then, usually because of myself. At those times I have to shuffle around until I find one to make it better.
I have a group I play dungeons and dragons with, and they’re a major source of support. Some things they don’t get, and sometimes I need respite from them, and then I usually end up here.
The one I’m trying to reactivate is having people I work on research with, that intellectual intimacy is appealing.
Yeah lack of confidence is a huge problem of mine. It’s been that way since childhood and I know the cause of it, but knowing the cause doesn’t change much. What’s funny is being strange requires a certain amount of confidence. Really insecure people will just quietly go with the flow. So if I/you/we are confident enough to be weird, shouldn’t that be enough? Why do we still require validation and acceptance beyond “being weird”?
Great suggestion about multiple safe spaces. Places that have nothing to do with each other, so if you feel unwelcome in one area you can put it out of your head and go somewhere completely different.
I’d love to get into gaming, whether it’s D&D or videogames or chess or whatever, I bet that’s a great distraction as well as a way to indirectly socialize. But it’s hard convincing myself to try anything new. That inner voice is on endless loop: “Why bother” “It isn’t gonna save you” “Just stare at the wall, it’s less effort”
I think you hit on something with the intellectual intimacy thing. Sometimes that scratches the itch, when you’re learning new things, challenging your own mind and sharing that feeling with people who are on the same page. Only problem is you have to have an intellectual specialty worth sharing, and I’m pretty much a terminal dumbass….