It takes way too much.

3 different jobs within the past 12 months. All were steps up for me, but having to adjust so many times has wrecked me. Each new place became intolerable in its own way and as I suffer through the 3rd one now, I of course already recognized it’s me. I can’t fit myself into the ways and structure of society. I’m an artist at heart and every day reminds me I can’t do what I really want to do and expect to survive. But I can’t continue trying to fit myself into the roles expected of me either. It’s agony trying to make this work when at the end of the day I have no reason to put myself through a life I don’t want. No kids, no partner, no pets, no friends. No real dreams. And I don’t want them. I can’t change how terrible this world is and it takes way too much just to feel a little better day to day.

When I went to a medical doctor for help with sleeplessness a few weeks ago, I spoke about the past year and my worries. But I was barely heard. I was just talked AT and not spoken with at all. Then I get shooed away and told to find a psychiatrist…lol. But I have done it all before. Drugs / therapy. Got me through many years, but now seems a waste because what I want next I feel is of more help in putting an end to these life long issues. I’m tired beyond what I can ever express or be fully brought back from.