So atm I’m not in a very good position in my life. There’s much going on which I’d just rather not get into.
But what bothers me most about my life is not getting a wife or gf when I had the chance. I could put up with a bad job, housing, relationships, etc…but what I can’t accept is that I let dozens of amazing opportunities with females slip through my fingers when I had the chance.
And even when I was dating girls, I knew at the time, I was dating them for the wrong reasons and that we weren’t really compatible. So i’ve never been with someone that I truly cared about and vice versa.
Every so often, I get triggered by flashback memories of girls I met or had known, where we had wonderful chemistry. And either through my own arrogance sometimes or insecurity or just being an idiot, I didn’t “close the deal” (get her phone# or follow up).
One time I met an amazing girl, she was from a different university, we hit it off, but at the end I chickened out from asking for her ph#. Realizing my error, the next day I foolishly tried to get in touch with her through my friends (who were there that night), but they all said they didn’t know her, basically nobody cared or wanted to help…ofc people have their own opinions as well.
A friend of mine was initially supportive and stated that ya she spent most of her time talking to me…but later changed his story, to make it seem she wasn’t interested. He was clearly very jealous since she was hot and wouldn’t give him the time of day.
But it was wrong of me to expect any help anyways, though I gave it a shot. I should’ve manned up when I had the chance. That’s just one example, there were many other failures like that unfortunately that put me in my current situation.
In the meantime I studied my azz off, in high school, then university, setting aside romantic relationships in the hope that I’ll be financially secure and then find a great girl and have that ideal life.
Unfortunately all that hard work didn’t pay off…I got older, lost my looks, gained weight, lost some of my hair-luckily I still have most of it…and because of my career path, I no longer run into pretty or hot girls…and a lot of the good ones are taken.
While my friends got married/had kids (their wives aren’t anything special), but at least they’re settled in their lives.
Also I don’t have any silly fantasies about having an ideal wife, since nobody is perfect. But if I could’ve tied the knot with just one of those lovely girls I had a chance with, it would’ve been worth, whatever life throws at us after, doesn’t matter.
Despite all the crap I had to deal with in life that made me suicidal, finding a great partner was one major goal for me and it would’ve helped a lot.
Ofc while I continue to breathe I will keep trying to improve my life and to try to find that special someone…but obviously it gets harder as you get older to find someone of quality.
Once my mother passes away I’ll re-evaluate my situation and see if it’s worth going on…because atm it sure doesn’t seem worth it anymore. I have some savings set aside, wanted to have one last ‘hurrah.’ Go on vacation, have some fun and then sign out from life.
Seriously the daily grind that most people put up with is not for me. I was hoping to get a business going too and if that works out, great, if not then ya, there’s not much reason to stick around.
4 comments
If you’re a fan of artsy (boring) cinema, check out a movie called “In the City of Sylvia”. It’s about a guy who goes back to a village some 10 years later looking for that ship that passed in the night, not knowing anything about her except a name written on a pack of matches.
I don’t even remember how it ends, but I think the point is that we romanticize such encounters and maybe our fantasies don’t always gel with reality, nor are they supposed to. idk man, I have a few of those missed opportunities mocking my loneliness too, and lately I’ve had the same thoughts that someone, anyone, would’ve made my life more tolerable but I was always the one who ran. It makes me wonder if like your title says, we create our own loneliness …and so maybe it’s inevitable? Even if you married one of those girls from your past, maybe you would constantly pull away even within the relationship, because those incompatibilities would get magnified over time?
Who knows, I guess we never get a crystal ball to see how our lives would’ve played out. But I think regardless of circumstances we would make the same sorts of decisions, suffer from the same issues, and impose the same self-tortures.
I like your idea of a last hurrah. It would be nice to go out on top, for once.
I’m into all kinds of movie so ya I’ll definitely check it out. I agree with you, we do tend to idealize such encounters.
Most people’s lives are usually fairly ordinary but still having a partner would make life easier and then if you’re both working you have the dual income to help you get a house for example (looking on the practical side of things).
Yes that is possible, as men generally prefer the ‘hunt’ and don’t really want to settle down so maybe this was inevitable in a way. Then again I know in my life, education and career took up most of my valuable time and I spent very little on relationships.
I guess that’s why every opportunity I got mattered even more because I never got that many. It’s hard to say how life would’ve turned out. My two siblings got married and they had their own share of hardships in life but they’re both doing better. I think in the end people find a way to make it work out.
Certainly if I find that we’re incompatible, I’m not the kind to stick around…though I can put up with some differences, as I do have sisters and we don’t always get along.
To your last point, yes if our memories were wiped and we were sent back in time, then ya, we’d probably make the same decisions and end up in the same place.
Thanks, ya if we’re going to ‘go’ then go out with a bang. Living is overrated, you work like a dog and waste your life trying to buy a house/car, then you’re old with health problems and regretting all the things you wish you could’ve done in life.
If you happened to be born lucky-with a silver spoon in your mouth as they say, then life is great…if you’re born into poverty then life is shit and not worth living.
If only most people had the basic intelligence to know not to have children and make them suffer as you did, the world would be a better place. We are the result of someone else’s bad decisions unfortunately and have to make our situation better, or just find a way out.
“The one/s that got away.” I often find myself thinking about this girl who randomly came up & started a conversation with me when I was 18. It seemed like she was really looking for a reason to talk to me, with a friend standing next to her for moral support. She was very pretty, but with a reputation for being weird & an outcast, kind of my ideal type. The conversation was very awkward, the kind you have when you’re trying to manufacture a reason to talk to someone. I think she asked some questions about the book I was reading, which was weird because it was just a boring textbook. I gave some lame responses, mostly because I was just so confused about what was going on, and paralysed by social anxiety.
Maybe we’d have had nothing in common, but I wish I’d at least had enough calm to be able to recognise an attempt to get to know me & respond appropriately.
Ya she was definitely trying to hook up with you…I used the same tactic with a girl I liked in my sociology class…asked her about the book, broke the ice, it was awkward at first but got better over time.
She was blond, very attractive, kept checking me out…but later told me she had a bf…so do you get some weirdos who are just interested in seeing if they can “get you” without actually wanting to date.
In your case you should’ve just pursued it, but it’s easy to say and sometimes hard to do esp. if you experience anxiety, I can relate, but I realized that I have to push myself to be more outgoing if I hope to get a gf.
Sometimes girls are great like that, they’ll make the first move, which makes our job easier…but I’ve actually messed that up also, live and learn.