So atm I’m not in a very good position in my life. There’s much going on which I’d just rather not get into.
But what bothers me most about my life is not getting a wife or gf when I had the chance. I could put up with a bad job, housing, relationships, etc…but what I can’t accept is that I let dozens of amazing opportunities with females slip through my fingers when I had the chance.
And even when I was dating girls, I knew at the time, I was dating them for the wrong reasons and that we weren’t really compatible. So i’ve never been with someone that I truly cared about and vice versa.
Every so often, I get triggered by flashback memories of girls I met or had known, where we had wonderful chemistry. And either through my own arrogance sometimes or insecurity or just being an idiot, I didn’t “close the deal” (get her phone# or follow up).
One time I met an amazing girl, she was from a different university, we hit it off, but at the end I chickened out from asking for her ph#. Realizing my error, the next day I foolishly tried to get in touch with her through my friends (who were there that night), but they all said they didn’t know her, basically nobody cared or wanted to help…ofc people have their own opinions as well.
A friend of mine was initially supportive and stated that ya she spent most of her time talking to me…but later changed his story, to make it seem she wasn’t interested. He was clearly very jealous since she was hot and wouldn’t give him the time of day.
But it was wrong of me to expect any help anyways, though I gave it a shot. I should’ve manned up when I had the chance. That’s just one example, there were many other failures like that unfortunately that put me in my current situation.
In the meantime I studied my azz off, in high school, then university, setting aside romantic relationships in the hope that I’ll be financially secure and then find a great girl and have that ideal life.
Unfortunately all that hard work didn’t pay off…I got older, lost my looks, gained weight, lost some of my hair-luckily I still have most of it…and because of my career path, I no longer run into pretty or hot girls…and a lot of the good ones are taken.
While my friends got married/had kids (their wives aren’t anything special), but at least they’re settled in their lives.
Also I don’t have any silly fantasies about having an ideal wife, since nobody is perfect. But if I could’ve tied the knot with just one of those lovely girls I had a chance with, it would’ve been worth, whatever life throws at us after, doesn’t matter.
Despite all the crap I had to deal with in life that made me suicidal, finding a great partner was one major goal for me and it would’ve helped a lot.
Ofc while I continue to breathe I will keep trying to improve my life and to try to find that special someone…but obviously it gets harder as you get older to find someone of quality.
Once my mother passes away I’ll re-evaluate my situation and see if it’s worth going on…because atm it sure doesn’t seem worth it anymore. I have some savings set aside, wanted to have one last ‘hurrah.’ Go on vacation, have some fun and then sign out from life.
Seriously the daily grind that most people put up with is not for me. I was hoping to get a business going too and if that works out, great, if not then ya, there’s not much reason to stick around.