Everyone here knows about coping tricks, those things we’re forced to do 24 hours a day just to make it through the day. Things that the average person hardly needs or thinks about, but here we are scrambling for any new miracle cure like lepers to snake oil salesmen.
Like the title says, I’ve reached the point where destructive coping tricks are the only ones that work. I don’t know what that means, but it’s something that’s painfully clear in my life. I was wondering if anyone has an explanation or similar experiences.
All the healthy things, I do those too. I do literally everything in the book (yeah I waste my time & money reading self help books… the ultimate snake oil salesmen). And yet, every day I’m back at rock bottom.
But there are 3 coping tricks, not in “the book”, that instantly produce the desired effect of escape from a crisis or panic. These are, in order of increasing severity: alcohol, drugs and self harm. And suicide would be the 4th. That one always works.
I quit all 3 a while ago, but drugs and self harm are creeping back into the picture. Not a full uncontrolled relapse but just a few spontaneous slips.
But fuck it all, those are the only 3 that work. Let’s take last night for example. I just got the shittiest news involving my life’s savings. Won’t get into that, suffice it to say it was shit-E. What am I going to do at 2 am? Fucking YOGA? Fucking go for a walk in the park? Fucking meditate…? …caged in my own mind with this shitty news? No, at 2am when you get shitty news and you’re all alone with no one who gives a shit enough to tell you “calm down we’ll figure this out” the only instant relief is either alcohol, drugs or (for me) self harm.
I went with drugs. Knocked myself the fuck out, fast and hard.
And this morning the thought keeps replaying in my head: well I can keep repeating the cure, keep knocking myself the fuck out with drugs, go ahead an relapse, because like being a passenger on a crashing plane there’s nothing I can do to fix the situation so might as well order up some of those fancy umbrella drinks and enjoy the dive.
14 comments
Since youre already reading Self-Help books, you might try reading another one about Self-discipline. Without self-discipline, the things you read in self-help books won’t help. This isn’t to suggest you don’t have any–you do! But if you’re still having problems then your discipline could maybe use some imrprovement.
If you’re going to do drugs and nobody can change your mind, then might I suggest using them as a reward? Maybe do them to reward yourself after a workout, which positively reinforces and conditions the working out behavior.
Just suggestions, though. You know yourself best.
Thanks for the suggestions, tbh I haven’t focused on self-discipline much so that may be my problem. In general I do have a lot of self-discipline, but it’s kinda like I’m a paragon of discipline until I crash and then everything goes to hell in a handbasket yk? Like I haven’t had a drop of alcohol going on 3 years despite huge temptations (a liquor cabinet stocked to the roof), but if I slip once I’ll go full alcoholic. That describes everything in my life.
That’s a great suggestion about using drugs as a reward. Btw these aren’t hardcore drugs, these are prescriptions for insomnia & anxiety that I stockpiled from my “anti drugs” days. Much like my liquor cabinet I can avoid the stuff but if I start to slip the floodgates will open and I’ll go full junkie.
Such is life when you don’t have a support system. When there’s nobody to keep you grounded, a small trigger can set off a total meltdown.
Fuck. Update. I relapsed on self harm. The funny thing is I wasn’t even conscious I was doing it, I just did it. Then I’m like oh shit did I just do that?
When it rains it pours. Drugs, self harm, any bets on when I’ll relapse on alcohol? Ha It’s a sucker’s bet and I’m the sucker.
I’d say don’t beat yourself up, but…yeah. That’s my best attempt at a self harm joke 🙂 sorry.
For real though, don’t beat yourself up for relapsing. The way to respond to this is not to shame yourself or say, “Well, Ive done it now, so fuck it, let’s keep going!” The best thing you could do is say, “Well, I slipped up. But that’s okay. This is a new moment, and I can start over fresh now.”
As long as you have the thought, and as long as you notice the thought, then you can create some space in time before acting on the thoughts.
I got a legit laugh out of “don’t beat yourself up”, thanks for that 🙂 And you’re right, the key is not letting 1 slip turn into an avalanche. I survived the night with a few emergency sleeping pills to knock me out, but today I guess I’m ready to try being safer.
I definitely relate, though some of my self-destructive behaviours are different. I think for me it’s because healthy coping mechanisms don’t provide what I’m actually looking for in low moments. Working out, or going for a walk, or meditating, they don’t actually improve my mood when I’m down that low. They’re more useful for maintaining mood when I’m on an upswing.
Once I’m feeling desperate, it takes something stronger to overwhelm those feelings. The problem is that such “last ditch” measures become less effective over time, and your brain tends to become desensitised to them. Sleeping pills are an example – I can take them for a few nights in a row to provide an escape from my mind (although I’ll feel drowsy the next day.) But then comes a night when they no longer work, and I’m trapped with my desperation.
Man EXACTLY. Everything you said… exactly.
“Working out, or going for a walk, or meditating, they don’t actually improve my mood when I’m down that low. They’re more useful for maintaining mood when I’m on an upswing.
Once I’m feeling desperate, it takes something stronger to overwhelm those feelings.”
That’s so on-point I can’t say anything more.
I guess the answer is to preserve that “maintaining” zone like your life depends on it. At the slightest hint of a downturn you’d have to kick in full thrusters to stay on that upswing. Because the minute you start to sink & pick up downward momentum you’re toast.
Sorry Bends, in this case I’d recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in addiction. If logically you know that drug addiction/self-harm is bad, then me telling you (what you already know) won’t make any difference.
I saw a recent movie called Cherry (with Tom Holland) which is about addiction and him turning to crime to pay for his drugs. Sad story since he started off well…but after joining the military and getting ptsd, he couldn’t cope with life.
I think we all have our own coping mechanisms, I turn to videos games/movies and other distractions to deal with my problems. I guess I’m grateful to have never picked up a drug habit or anything like that to deal with my issues.
At the same time because you know you have these problems it’s the first step in solving them. I tried smoking as a teen, found myself getting addicted, it scared me and I didn’t want to get hooked, so I quit cold turkey and it worked. Most of it is simple will power. Best of luck.
Wow you just mentioned a great coping trick I’d forgotten. Watching movies about addiction and/or self-destruction. That sometimes keeps the demons at bay… at least more effectively than a Disney flick or whatever.
I haven’t seen Cherry but I just put it on my list. Another one that comes to mind is “Flight” with Denzel Washington as the ace pilot who has a severe alcohol problem. Denz nails it.
On the subject of therapy, great suggestion but I live out in bumblefuck and the only therapists here are kinda like general practitioners, ol country doctors. I’d have to make a half day drive to the nearest city to find the specialist I need.
I’m also lucky like you that I never fell into hardcore street drugs. My abuse is with prescription sleep aids, anxiety meds, and a few off-label uses of anticonvulsants. It’s still dangerous stuff but at least it’s not meth or heroin because I’d be dead in a week.
Glad I could help-hopefully the movies/games gets you away from drugs…I’ll check out Flight.
Good to know you’re not into the truly ‘hard’ drugs…but you are right even normal meds can be addictive and dangerous, but certainly better than street drugs.
Hopefully you are able to find your way through it. It’s bad enough having to deal with one’s normal daily problems, then to have to dig yourself out of a hole with other issues. Regards.
I can relate, I’m definitely not the person to talk about regarding not drinking or smoking. Not that I have a verifiable problem, just that I keep some stuff on hand in case things get really bad, or good. Isn’t that weird, that we celebrate with the same things we mourn with?
According to my local suicide hotline, drinking at the very least is better than suicide in their eyes. It’s about harm reduction, not harm removal.
the one I know is bad for me is disassociating. I’ve seen it from the outside so many times I figured it out. It’s kind of the dark side of meditating, because in an instant when the pain gets too much you just freeze up, sometimes for hours at a time. The best (or worse, depending on perspective) part is that usually you don’t remember that time, or what happened right before it.
It scares the shit out of other people, which is why it’s harmful, and I worry that eventually I might not be able to pull out of it. There are stories of people disassociating for years at a time. I don’t know if I’m curious or frightened about that.
Oh, also on the subject of relapse; relax. Relapse happens, any addiction therapist would tell you that. What matters is what you do after. If you beat yourself up the shame cycle will keep you addicted. It’s challenging, but remind yourself how long you’ve been clean, and try to do better next time.
That’s my ultimate moral of life, all anyone can do is try to be better than they used to be. Anyone promising more is probably a snake oil salesman.
Thanks man, I’m definitely trying to relax regarding my slips. Self-hate always leads to more damage. I ended up going on a 24 hour insanity fest, relapsing hard on everything except alcohol, all fueled by self-hate. But today was better, quieter.
“According to my local suicide hotline, drinking at the very least is better than suicide in their eyes. It’s about harm reduction, not harm removal.”
That surprises me that they would say that. I mean, I agree wholeheartedly, but it seems like murky territory for a suicide prevention hotline or any professional to say. In my worst moments I use that harm reduction philosophy to justify my addictions (“Either I get wasted or I jump out the window…. So let’s get wasted!”). To manage harm reduction with unhealthy things requires a lot of rationality and self-awareness which I don’t always have.
I really like your strategy of just trying to be better. Not perfect. Not necessarily even acceptable, but better. idk if you believe in reincarnation, afterlife or anything beyond this life, but I think if there is some continuum then any improvement is a success and a boost for the next time around.
As much as I really don’t like drugs in general, going out with friends and drinking or stuff like that did actually help me out.
I stay away from them as often as possible, because I don’t trust myself with them. I’ve been on the edge of some sort of breakdown for a while, and honestly, heavy drug use, I know it’d make it worse for me.
You’ve tried your fair share of things to help, so much I say you probably already know, but I root for you nonetheless. I believe you can kick those bad habits. Self control can be hard. It’s so easy to slip back into habits like those, takes a lot to stick with the good stuff.
Hey I really appreciate it. Every person rooting in my corner is a big plus. Sometimes I feel like I just need get past my addictions long enough for a random stroke of luck to launch me out of this pit. You know like, not even a long term recovery, but just long enough to seize an opportunity that might come my way. Because when you’re drowning in this crap you tend to miss a lot.
I totally agree that occasional drinking & partying with friends can be a real life saver. I haven’t done that in ages. Depression’s a *****, you lose all your friends and you’re left with just the bad habits.
“I don’t trust myself with them. I’ve been on the edge of some sort of breakdown for a while, and honestly, heavy drug use, I know it’d make it worse for me.”
Bruh that sums it up for me too, regarding the hard stuff. You know those stories about someone taking their 1st hit, having a bad trip and jumping off a rooftop? That would be me. I haven’t even tried weed because I saw that movie “Numb” with Matthew Perry where his 1st drag triggered an extreme personality disorder. But I’m sure the stuff I use is doing damage just as well….
For what it’s worth… 1 day clean!