The materials I need to do it properly so it is 100% fatal + painless. They do not make easy for one to off oneself. Unless you want to risk fuking yourself up more by attempting and screwing up, which is sadly 97% of the case. 97% of all suicide attempts fail. That’s too huge of a risk to attempt and fail.
well, lithium. Not joking at all, since I got started on lithium the amount I think about suicide is significantly down, apparently that’s one thing it’s really good for.
Outside that though, rationally speaking; I’m upset at the concept of someone I know finding my dead body. Not getting into methods, but none of them leave behind a pretty corpse. Even if they did, I shudder to think of someone who knew me knowing I couldn’t take it any more. The shame of that (even though rationally I wouldn’t feel it, being dead) is what keeps me trying to live to die of old age.
that’s the other thing. Death is coming, unavoidable and certain. I have a maximum of 60 years left… I’m more than 1/3 of the way through, and the last 1/3 looks REALLY low impact/low stress. So I’m halfway through the worst of it. That, and I have investments. Stay alive long enough, I might be able to collect and do what I want to do.
quite a bit, it turns out, keeping me from KS, on the other hand I’ve been suicidal for a decade….. and almost all the effort anyone has made relative to me was to try and make dying harder for me.
Last thing (maybe), I worry about what comes after. My main idea is still nothing, because that would be the loveliest. I’ve been wrong enough though, what if there’s hell? what if there’s heaven? what if I reincarnate? That last one gets me the worst, because as bad as THIS is, people on this planet have it worse.
I don’t want to trade in my reliable beater car for a bicycle or bus seat is the sum of that last one. Yes, it’s a piece of shit, but I don’t have to wait out in the wet/heat/cold for a ride.
short answer: I don’t have the right catalyst. I have the motive & means, and I have the plan rehearsed to the minute, but I still need that final trigger to set it all in motion.
long answer: As much as this world can suck my ass, I figure as long as I’m here I can do a few things to make it a better place for others. It’s really a waiting game. What will happen first, will I get hit with that final catastrophic stroke that will flip the suicide switch, or in the meantime as I’m dedicating myself to a purpose will I find enough meaning in life to keep going even after the catastrophe hits? The suspense actually keeps me interested for now. Because the fact is once you die, you’ll never know how things could’ve turned out otherwise.
I would say that there’s no easy way to do it or you might fail and become more messed up. If there was a special pill that could take you out peacefully with no pain, that would be a much better way. Then there’s the thought of having a button and cease to exist, which I would want if they exist. A lot of the methods are just painful, so I think that’s why I can’t go through with it. Like I want to stop living, but just feeling the pain and slow death just scares me. I’ve just realized a few days how we lived in a messed up world and that I want no part of it. If there was a simple solution, such as a simple pill with no pain, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it.
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The materials I need to do it properly so it is 100% fatal + painless. They do not make easy for one to off oneself. Unless you want to risk fuking yourself up more by attempting and screwing up, which is sadly 97% of the case. 97% of all suicide attempts fail. That’s too huge of a risk to attempt and fail.
well, lithium. Not joking at all, since I got started on lithium the amount I think about suicide is significantly down, apparently that’s one thing it’s really good for.
Outside that though, rationally speaking; I’m upset at the concept of someone I know finding my dead body. Not getting into methods, but none of them leave behind a pretty corpse. Even if they did, I shudder to think of someone who knew me knowing I couldn’t take it any more. The shame of that (even though rationally I wouldn’t feel it, being dead) is what keeps me trying to live to die of old age.
that’s the other thing. Death is coming, unavoidable and certain. I have a maximum of 60 years left… I’m more than 1/3 of the way through, and the last 1/3 looks REALLY low impact/low stress. So I’m halfway through the worst of it. That, and I have investments. Stay alive long enough, I might be able to collect and do what I want to do.
quite a bit, it turns out, keeping me from KS, on the other hand I’ve been suicidal for a decade….. and almost all the effort anyone has made relative to me was to try and make dying harder for me.
Last thing (maybe), I worry about what comes after. My main idea is still nothing, because that would be the loveliest. I’ve been wrong enough though, what if there’s hell? what if there’s heaven? what if I reincarnate? That last one gets me the worst, because as bad as THIS is, people on this planet have it worse.
I don’t want to trade in my reliable beater car for a bicycle or bus seat is the sum of that last one. Yes, it’s a piece of shit, but I don’t have to wait out in the wet/heat/cold for a ride.
short answer: I don’t have the right catalyst. I have the motive & means, and I have the plan rehearsed to the minute, but I still need that final trigger to set it all in motion.
long answer: As much as this world can suck my ass, I figure as long as I’m here I can do a few things to make it a better place for others. It’s really a waiting game. What will happen first, will I get hit with that final catastrophic stroke that will flip the suicide switch, or in the meantime as I’m dedicating myself to a purpose will I find enough meaning in life to keep going even after the catastrophe hits? The suspense actually keeps me interested for now. Because the fact is once you die, you’ll never know how things could’ve turned out otherwise.
If only I was braver, maybe. XD Way too scared to go that route, self preservation is a ***** sometimes.
Maybe I still care a little about some things and some people. I really don’t know.
I would say that there’s no easy way to do it or you might fail and become more messed up. If there was a special pill that could take you out peacefully with no pain, that would be a much better way. Then there’s the thought of having a button and cease to exist, which I would want if they exist. A lot of the methods are just painful, so I think that’s why I can’t go through with it. Like I want to stop living, but just feeling the pain and slow death just scares me. I’ve just realized a few days how we lived in a messed up world and that I want no part of it. If there was a simple solution, such as a simple pill with no pain, I wouldn’t hesitate to do it.
“Hope”
I honor you all. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for answering. You all deserve something nice. I regret that I cannot give it to you.