This is a difficult post to write. But, I cant get help if im not honest. This will get uncomfortable for some. Viewer discretion advised, so to speak. Im serious.
The truth is, ive been struggling a long time with an attraction to little girls. Around 11, 12, 13 years old. Ive never done anything to act upon it, but its there. I dont know why I have these attractions. I know the kind of damage it can cause–my own grandfather raped my mother when she was this age. She suffers still.
I put myself in therapy proactively, before anything has happened. I know im terribly sick. Despite my best efforts, I cannot seem to eliminate my attraction. Im disgusted with myself, and at the same time, I want them so bad. The back and forth drives me crazy! The worst part is that I cant even be honest with the people I love most about it, simply because of what it is. I fight every day not to act upon it, and would rather kill myself. Im not happy. If I act, I wreak an innocent child for life. But since I dont act, I am miserable. I wish I never existed.
I do not expect empathy, or sympathy. But for once, I just want to be honest and open about it. Its a heavy burden to carry such a secret like this.
I am a disgrace to humanity. And by all means, I deserve to be put down. And I offer my life willingly to anyone who is willing to take it.
something I’ve kept to myself until now, because honestly I never thought I’d meet anyone that understood; I spent two years of my life working with young sex offenders. It was… one of the happiest and most fulfilling times of my life. It changed me though, in ways I never expected.
Teenage boys was our bread and butter, and most of them had offended against a younger sibling…. really sick stuff I still I have to remind myself. But some of those boys… I loved them so much. I wish I knew more about what we did, I was just a mental health tech at the time. Anyway, several dozen of them I met, and only two monsters.
I’ll tell you about the monsters, one of whom was rather tragic; This young man came to us from juvie, and he had violent tendencies that we weren’t equipped to handle. Eventually he attacked another patient, and that was discharge. I rationalized at the time that if he couldn’t control his violent urges, our program couldn’t help him.
The other is the only true psychopathic personality I ever met. Great place to hide for a psychopath; a bunch of teenage boys most of whom have poor social skills. This kid got close to me, gained my trust, and went on to undermine everything we did on that unit. It came at a time of my life, I decided to move on, I didn’t want to fix it bad enough.
but most of them, they were lost boys. Some got their urges under control, others the best they could do was abstain. We taught them extreme empathy, such that they understood the damage they would do so explicitly they couldn’t offend.
Which I guess comes back to me, because the same was done to me to control violent urges. I can’t hurt people because I feel it, and I’m not sure it’s a curse I would ever inflict on someone else again.
I don’t know how to help you, but I want to. I hope that sharing my story, and knowing that some people with similar urges learned to control them would help. There’s still something you can offer the world, I believe that with all I am. I hope you can find it, something worth wrestling with your demons for.
You’re a big step ahead of all the boys I worked with, they had to be sentenced to treatment before they were willing to get help. You appear to want help now, without having the court system to hold your hand and force it.
I guess I have one idea, barely anything but might help; that ward, full of teenage boys, it was a very safe space for some of them. Most of them had your preference, young girls. Absent access…. they were free to be the closest to themselves they ever had been. I don’t know what that looks like in the adult world, but that might be a safe place for you.
It’s… basically neoteny gone haywire. I don’t think it hurts them, it just serves no reproductive purpose.
Neoteny – Wikipedia https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neoteny
It might contribute but I don’t think that’s the main cause of pedophilia. Pedophilia is about innocence. It is a special power trip to break and corrupt an innocent and pure one, whether that be in sexual terms or mental. That’s why so much emphasis is given to virginity. Older boys/girls are already much aware of things, they have lost their mental virginity so to say, so they don’t produce that kind of attraction.
Firstly, thank you. You have no idea how much sharing that helps. I’d be willing to be locked away forever if it meant the public was safe. I had to watch the way it tormented my poor mother. I knew my grandfather, and had to pretend I liked him, because in her trauma , she pretended too. I promise–I don’t know how I got like this. But I also promise that I know it’s wrong, and that I’d rather give my life than act. Even though abstinence is horribly painful. I don’t expect anyone to understand, but at least you seem to.
I want help so bad. I don’t want this.
Don’t be so hard on yourself man. Pedophilia is just neoteny gone haywire. If you can understand that you can probably control it. It’s simply a carry-over response from the path human development has followed. I don’t think it hurts them, it just doesn’t serve any reproductive purpose. So study the root of it and it’ll go away. You probably won’t though… You could probably cure pedophilia once and forever if we had a true understanding of neoteny, but people aren’t interested in that shit. You probably aren’t either. And I don’t know why, but it’s just the way it is.
If I could eliminate it altogether, I would. Even in other potential pedos. I will research this. Pain is probably the strongest catalyst for that kind of shit, and believe me, there is plenty of it. The secret guilt and Shame is Unbearable.
Everyone has the “potential” for this man it’s on a spectrum no matter what anyone says they all have the capacirt for this, and it’s not even that uncommon, it’s fornication. Loli hentai and shit is super common. Yhe age of consent in America was literally like ten for years before the Freemasons got involved and psyoped the fuck out of it, it’s so fucking hilarious that liking teen girls is considered pedophilia in the U.S.. ((They)) specifically did that to use it as a tool to keep government under Illuminati control by controlling them through *****. 110 years ago it was perfectly normal for a 20 year old to marry a 15 yo. And of course there’s always cases where the girl is younger than that. But no educating a teenager on how marriage is better than being a whore or sleeping with Chad at prom bc hes hot is considered grooming.
Anyways man furthermore shit is called hebephilia and ephebophilia related to neoteny and probably eliminate-able if you wanted to because it serves no reproductive purpose
Pedophilia when you were a kid is true pedophilia, that’s when you were attracted to your classmates as a kid and that’s when shit is truly fucked lmao. That’s genetic and can’t be cured by studying neoteny, probably significantly managed abated but to eliminate it you’d need a shot or something which they were working on back in I forget, but they were developing one, the elites just don’t want it to be known so they can control the populace, and they want to remain pedophiles as aligned with their traditions themselves
The Freemasons fuck kids
Here’s a broad overview of the subject: https://psychcentral.com/disorders/causes-of-pedophilia
It has many potential causes (genetics, brain structure, childhood experiences etc.). So, most likely it’s a combination of these various causes on a case-to-case basis. It also isn’t “super common”. It is an identifiable abnormality, and thinking that anyone has the capacity for it is absurd.
You’ll most definitely won’t get any sympathy from me, but I hope you get a handle on it (for the sake of others). And at the very least, it’s commendable that you admitted this and know that it’s something that shouldn’t be left unchecked.
Thank you for your stern candor.
I also want to add that you obviously didn’t choose to become like this. It’s just one of the many ways the world and the mind can work together to uniquely torture an individual. So… despite my own trauma regarding this, and the fact that everyone I’ve ever loved have had that same trauma, I am actually sorry you’ve been hit by this curse.
I’m sorry that you’ve been impacted so deeply by it, yourself. I hope one day that you can thrive in spite of it all.
Nah, for the most part, it’s a choice, if youre being honest with yourself. Look at statistics under the surface level shit and you’ll find it becomes obvious that a lot of people are just corrupt. You wouldn’t know this, because you live in the echo chamber of leftist and apologist ideology that it’s never your fault and we are simply victims of society and our circumstances, etc., the typical bullshit thats peddled on this site, plus you’re old, so you don’t how popular “lolicon” is. You probably don’t even know what that is. Trust me, it’s everywhere. Pedophilia is being normalized plain and simple, it’s a scheme to turn people over to vices and degeneracy, get hooked on goyslop and the like, be addicted to as many things as possible and never be able to focus on what’s at hand so we sit back nice and cozy while the microwaves in the air turn our brains into slop, it’s population control. That’s why I don’t argue with people on this site anymore, there are no smart people left. I could give him better answers cause I know whats actually going on… Even Clevername talked about the new world order, he had an IQ of over 170 and he was the smartest guy ever on this sad, pathetic excuse for a site, while all the rest of you, well… As a wise man once said, party, funeral, it’s all the same with you people.
Anyways I’m out, I’m tired of seeing the same sad dumb shit posted on this bullshit site every day since clevername and the others left and it became a shithole that doesn’t provide any real help to anyone struggling
1. I’m not that old. I know what you’re talking about.
2. The right-wing political rhetoric irrelevant.
3. Fuck you too.
You really think I woke up one day and said, “hmm. I gonna choose to be attracted to kids and make myself miserable”? What’s my motivation for that, Mr. Expert? What possible advantage would that give me?
In as far as acting upon the attraction–THATS a choice. But I assure you, I haven’t chosen the attraction itself.
It’s reactions like that which discourage people from opening-up about these things. People keep it to themselves exactly because of backlash, and then they never get the help they need, the pressure builds, and people end up hurt.
yeah, you could say you’re a fan of Britney Spears and ppl online will jump at you and try to persecute you. anything and everything posted online, whether it’s sensitive stuff like this, or innocuous stuff, you’re going to get hate. i’m actually surprised that those “virtuous pedophiles” featured in that documentary CHOSE WILLINGLY to expose themselves on screen. that’s insane. i would never be brave enough to do that if i were them. that’s almost inviting someone to harm you. i know some ppl are going to beat them up or do harm to them after watching them on the documentary. i’m sure those guys gets death threats all the time. i can’t imagine being “outed” and have ppl treat you this way when you haven’t done anything and you’re trying your hardest NOT to.
I think it’s brave and commendable that you’re opening up about this, and also that you are aware of how it can hurt others and striving not to do so.
Although it is depressingly common for people to adopt an unthinking, mob-like, animal anger whenever this topic is brought up, I do believe that there are cooler heads out there, people who won’t react like some neanderthal to your admission, but actually try to help you. I think some therapists recognize the need for help for people suffering what you are suffering.
I hope you can find one of these therapists or programs and get the support you deserve as a human being.
Thank you very much. I am currently seeing a therapist, and although they don’t specialize in issues like this, they have agreed to work with me due to how serious it is.
I do appreciate your gentle form, as well. It’s a delicate, taboo subject, and an admission not easily made at all.
Have you looked into “virtuous pedophiles”? I watched a documentary a few years ago which talked about people like you who recognize they have that desire, but also know they cannot possibly act on it bc it’s wrong. It’s a struggle they have with themselves every day. Maybe you could join a virtuous pedophile group, if there’s such a thing. Maybe they have tips on how to better manage the urges?
Thank you for resisting and continuing the battle. It sounds awful to have that affliction.
It doesn’t help if the rest of the world knee-jerk reacts and lumps ppl who HAVEN’T done anything in with the group that HAS. HUGE difference in the 2 groups of people. One is still a “thought crime” while the ones that act on it, especially repeatedly, are actual criminals and evil.
The ones that are trying their hardest not to succumb to that need encouragement to keep on that daily battle. If all of society would automatically label you monsters, I imagine a good portion of those who HAVE succumbed to it probably said “fuck it, if society is going to treat me like a monster, might as well be one.” Just don’t become one of those people.
You know what the “funny” thing is? It’s not funny but more like sad. For sure ppl should get enraged with actual pedophiles, but ppl get more enraged over those “virtuous pedophiles” who have NEVER done anything to anyone (except have thoughts) but not get enraged at ACTUAL serial rapists, who’ve raped women after women.
Lots of adult SA survivors never come out about it bc for some reason, our society views adult rape (or even teen rape) as something that is somehow that person’s fault. Oh she must be “asking” for it, or “she dressed like a slut” or “she was walking out late at night”- OH so it’s ok for a man to rape a woman simply bc she’s walking home late at night? A LARGE portion of the population thinks that way. I know I’m veering off your post’s topic, but this kind of stuff enrages me.
People reflexively put “virtuous pedophiles” into the same category as pedophiles and get so angry at those people. And yet, where is that same anger, hate and disgust when a man rapes a woman? Or a guy raping a college girl, or even a HS girl? The majority of the time, the finger and blame gets pointed at the girl, and it’s so fucked up. Where is the anger at the rapist here?
what you have is a thought crime. those are absolutely not good thoughts, but you haven’t acted on them. the outrage should on ACTUAL rapists. and yes, ppl like you need to get help. i hope your therapist can help. if not, i’m sure there’s stuff online you can read from others like you online.
That is a VERY good point. I wouldn’t want people to know who I am–this is maybe one of the only “safe” places I can share this. But I haven’t SAed anyone. Meanwhile, actual rapists of adults receive only a fraction of the outrage.
I don’t even want this.
Thank you for your understanding, and most of all your empathy.
verped dot org
virped dot org, with an i
Get help before you do act on it.
You don’t understand the damage it does… it will affect someone for life.
I am currently receiving help, and assure you that I understand the sort of damage such an act would inflict.