complaining as always

Why am I still here.

Why did I bother waking up today.

I’m so tired.

I’m trying to better myself, and trying to stay on the upside. It’s not been working too well. I have so many thoughts in my head I cant get out. Theres no point in even trying. The world is going to hell, I’m going to lose everyone I love one way or another and we’re all going to go into the oblivion. I don’t think they love me as I love them. Especially the one. I want the thoughts to stop and the bad dreams to stop..

I’ve not been able to eat right for days. My appetite has nearly vanished. Ever since our neighbor joked and said I looked fat and should go on a diet… I’ve almost entirely stopped eating. I check my weight again everyday now. 93,94, or 95 everyday. I know it was a joke. But I dont take it that way. I feel disgusting and ugly and I dont want anybody to look at me. I shouldn’t be looked at. I wish I were beautiful, like the rest of them.

I just found out my friend finished her hiset, similar to a GED. Shes completely done with high school now. I’m so proud of her. Shes smart as shit and shes really talented in a lot of things. Teachers ask about her and everyone knows she’ll go far. I cant lie and say I’m not just a bit envious. But I’m envious of a lot of people anymore. I dont do anything worth being proud of anyway so I dont know what I’m expecting? I’m not good enough, or push myself in anything hard enough. I’m being dumb to expect anything at all.

I’m just really tired of life. Waking up and forcing myself to breathe and get through everyday is a huge effort. I just need to accept that I’m replaceable and not worth the time, I just need to accept I’m just a different form of a pathetic creature that wreaks havoc everywhere she goes one way or another. My family would be better off with me gone. My friend would be better off. Partner would be way better off. Missing them hurts much more now. I have to stay stuck in my head pretending they’re there or I lose my mind. I’m just stuck in my head all the time, creating my own worlds. Even they get shitty at times. I cant escape myself. I want out.

I want out.

I dont even know what I’m doing here, rambling about the same nonsense. I fucking hate everything about this thing I call myself. I’m so stupid and vile.

Bed bugs in my room now. Weve had them in this house for months and now they’re in my room. They’re not as bad as they could be but they’re here. I’m constantly paranoid and I feel like bugs are crawling on me at all times. It’s a shitty feeling and it makes everything worse. I need to try and better clean this room anyway, but I’m entirely too tired and unmotivated to do so. It’s too much to even look at. I wish I had the other half of the room but my dad decides to leave his stuff here. I also wish I had a door for privacy, I have none. Also, watching my sisters are becoming unbearable. The youngest gets physical and I cant do anything about it, not without really hurting her. Shes close to my height and strong (not especially, just pretty big and strong) and it makes everything worse. None of it ever stops. The bed bugs being in here dont scare her away from coming in here, god I wish they would. I want to die in peace.

I’ve read on here the environmentally friendly ways to be buried etc. Some of them seem interesting and reasonable. But wait – I gotta think of a method first. I’ll have to research shit again. I can’t order anything without immediate red flags so that’s unfortunate, otherwise that’d be my go to.

I guess that’s it for now. I feel horrible.