I feel so frustrated about having nothing to show for my age. I’m kind of a loser. Life was great at some point, but even then I was still a dumbass. It’s awful to be a dumb person incapable of following simple instructions and do simple things. I literally flunked out of college because I can’t grasp complex math. I didn’t even make it to calculus. I’m seeing people post pictures of people younger than me with degrees. And I’m just dumb schizophrenic and ADHD filled. I’m so frustrated it’s to the point where I kinda feel like giving up and no longer trying anything anymore. Like just waiting for deaths sweet embrace. Waiting for the day when I sleep and never wake up again.
But I have a dream damnit! Why is my own worst enemy myself? Why am I holding myself back? Why can’t I be smart? Why can’t I be better? I like a lot of things about me, especially now that I know people like Sebastian and that other asshole exist, i realize there’s a lot of redeemable qualities to me. But, i want a degree and a good job before I’m fifty. I don’t want life to pass me by. I don’t want to be in a bad situation when I’m of retirement age. Why must life be so hard?
I am not sure which one of these songs to publish so I’ll just publish both of them.
First is this oldie but goodie. This describes me well. I feel like
The truth is I am a toy that people enjoyTil all of the tricks don’t work anymoreAnd then they are bored of meI know that it’s exciting running through the night, butEvery perfect summer’s eating me alive until you’re gone
I am just scared that my stupidity will drive people away from me. I fear my incompetence will make them seek better options. My forgetfulness might make me less than others and thus undesirable.
The second banger of the night is the obvious choice for the modern problem child.
Some of the lyrics in this song that I can relate to include:
I have this thing where I get older but just never wiserMidnights become my afternoons
I feel like in the words of the great Antoine Dodson, “You is so dumb! You is really dumb! For real!”
It feels like I simply cannot process information properly in order to achieve success. I’m getting older, but I’m not sure I’m getting wiser.
Another lyric from the song i can relate to is:
It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s meAt tea time, everybody agreesI’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirrorIt must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero
I recognize that I and I alone am the problem. I realize that some people have probably noticed and “Spill the tea” (gossip) about me. And I realize that there are some people who probably root for me, but they realize how dumb I am. I hope they don’t grow exhausted of me. Because I have exhausted others in the past.
Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy babyAnd I’m a monster on the hillToo big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite cityPierced through the heart, but never killed
Sometimes it feels like people are doing good and showing progress. Moving forward with life. Being better and growing on the daily. While I’m just a dumb person with a bunch of issues who lives alone. It feels like I’m not even a proper human sometimes. I’m just so dumb, and I want to change that so bad. I don’t want to be like everybody else, but I do desire the redeeming quality of intelligence! I want to be bright, brilliant. Or at least, I want a degree in the sciences. It is just something I like, It is something I want, It is something I seemingly do not know how to get however. I don’t now what to do. I feel so lost, and I’m afraid of what will happen in my old age.
6 comments
I relate to you so much. So much shame comes with psychosis. Depression makes the shame of psychosis so much worse. I was really hard on myself just like you, too. I hated myself so much. I felt stupid, like a waste of time. I was showering in the dark bc I couldn’t, idk. All of my trauma just kind of jumped out in weird ways. I had to develop different rituals because triggers and psychosis are a thing. I was almost peeped on after I vented about it to my roommate. There’s lol so much pain inside when you have depression and psychosis. The helplessness, it was a fight. Try to be on top of it and carry the pain and before I knew it I was being too competitive with myself and too hard on myself, comparing myself to others etc.
There’s a real grieving process that happens when psychosis begins and remains…when I was younger, I felt free, headstrong. Fearless of what other’s thought. Then all this trauma, psychosis happened and I changed. I was struck down, weak, invisible. Psychosis steals that happiness from us. It makes us feel like giving up because it’s exhausting being dependent on others… it makes us feel weak. I always have to wonder if I’ll always hate myself and label myself hatefully. Will it feel like this forever? Will we grow old and still hate ourselves?…or will life feel wasted? It is about happiness, after all. What will our lives feel like when we’re too old to run…. I know the fight too, Carlos… And hey, I’m bad at math too actually 🙂 I flunked my first college algebra course and decided to retake it and try different resources because studying by myself wasn’t working. I got a B 😛 you know what’s weird about it, I didn’t know what I wanted to do yet. Lol Felt like I was trying to be something without knowing what that meant. You can always try again, and honestly, maybe flunking your class just means you weren’t emotionally ready yet. You aren’t some “schizophrenic” , and don’t let your own self hatred blind you. There are murderers and pedos in the real world. You can’t ignore that. Don’t let it bring you down. Nobody good looks at someone they hardly know and thinks “dumb person, waste of life” unless something’s wrong with them. There’s also the thing where grumpy people in the mornings are more likely to give out dirty looks and insult people. The other day, I was driving around 8 am sharp and noticed how many dirty looks I got. Haha if I were psychotic, it would’ve messed with my self hatred guaranteed, omg. Hahaha and that’s a damn shame. Some old guy waitin for a bagel at McDonald’s… that’s why I switched to night shift. Bc even what shift you work … cranky people in the mornin. Everybody’s happier on second shift. Anyways, big hug for you. I believe in you and don’t give up on yourself… you’ll know when you’re emotionally ready to try again.
Also, don’t be shy about the subjects your passionate about… when you love what you study, you become brilliant by mistake, and think less about “being brilliant” … it just flows. I used to be like, “I’m going to nursing school” bc I wanted the bigger bucks and demand security. I just frickin hated medicine haha weird right
Oh, yeah. And sometimes (therapists can be kinda… not the right fit… snooty ish, or maybe that’s my experience) but don’t give up on therapy and medications. It really can get better and feel more comfortable. Again, you’re not a loser. Or old. It isn’t even true. You have plenty of time to attain some riches and candy, “picket fence crap” lol even if you’re too old to have children, you can accept these can’t happen things for what they are and meet it halfway, if that makes sense.
But I’m a woman and don’t know your sex so lol I’m picturing a 45 year old woman sorry about the children thing lol
Thanks for commenting! I don’t want kids, I just want to be intelligent and successful. Your Words are beautiful! Again, Thank you very much for what you said.
Lol what if you already are intelligent just makes mistakes bc ur human