I think it was heartlessviking who mentioned that replacing one vice with a lesser one is a valid treatment, according to certain professionals. Harm reduction. Replace SU with SH, or replace SH with drugs, or replace drugs with wine… it sure sounds a lot more realistic than suddenly being cured of everything in one go.
The second thing, I’ve noticed about myself, is that I’m capable of doing almost anything if someone is watching …if someone gives a shit, even just a passive observer. However, if you take away the observer then it’s just me in my infinite echo chamber where the only voice I hear is “why bother trying, no one cares”.
So here’s my experiment. One day of accountability. No SH. (For reference, I’m in the middle of a relapse shitstorm that started right after the new year. Before that I was clean for almost the entire 2022.) My plan is to put these 2 strategies together. Channel all my self destructive urges into drugs rather than SH and broadcast my progress for just 1 day, updating this post regularly. There’s probably gonna be a lot of rambling, venting, delirious babble and who knows what else. Probably gonna get ugly.
8:24 am – ouch Right outta the gate with a Tonya Harding smack to the shins…. Confronted SH head on, using my SH tools for a different purpose, figured I’d tempt myself right away to see if this is even worth trying. Passed the test but feeling like shit. Itching for it. No drugs yet. Unless you count 3 cups of coffee….
9:02 am – Okay feeling a bit more stable with the caffeine. Not looking forward to the crash but yeah. Need to make a plan:
4 hours of stims (coffee + caffeine pills) to give myself a purpose in life hah
2 hours of low level anticholingerics (benadryl) to counteract the stims & reduce anxiety
4 hours of high level anticonvulsants (gabapentin) to lowkey zombify myself so I don’t do worse
4 hours of outright gabapentin abuse (optional, if the last step isn’t working)
4 hours of low level analgesics (acetomenophen, ibuprofen) in high doses + benadryl to “safely” knock myself out
6 hours of sleep I hope
3:51 pm still holding out, lots of urges but shuffling those away til nighttime to deal with that. When it gets dark is when the real fireworks begin. For now, made it past the stim portion of the day and moving into the cool down period. I made the last minute decision to hold off on gabapentin just because my supply is limited, so I’m jumping ahead to the benadryl portion of the program. Hah benadryl (depressant) with caffeine (stimulant) still saturating my system, this oughta be interesting…
the next day
Well I made it with no serious slips. I kinda did some low level SH but nothing close to my usual. Overall success I think. Late night I can’t remember what pills or how many I took, it’s all a blur. Wish I felt better about the experiment, but even if it was a success it’s not even a drop in the bucket.
yeah, I’m a big proponent of harm reduction. It looks like you’re using mostly over the counter drugs, which is good, they wouldn’t be over the counter if they were particularly toxic or dangerous.
One pattern I do notice is a potential self regulation thing (think of this as a tip, not a critique), You push too hard in one direction and then have to spend energy and drugs to get back to relatively normal. It’s a good thing that you recognize when you are in a headspace that isn’t working. In the future perhaps you can adjust doses so you don’t swing so wide.
Anyway, wanted to check in. I’ve taken more benadryl than anyone else I ever met, so I know that the OD threshold is really high. I was told a few years ago by a paramedic to be careful with NSAIDs, OTC painkillers can really mess you up in higher doses.
I’m proud of you though, you’re getting back up and trying a different approach.
Thanks man…. and dammit, someone commented on my post which means it has been officiated (no deleting & going back now)… but seriously thanks. Yeah I’m really trying to stick to OTC meds as long as I can. Mainly because I like to keep the harder stuff (Xanax, oxy) for emergencies. But I think you’re right that the OTC stuff can lead to more abuse and possible damage because it’s so accessible.
I’m still amazed that benadryl is OTC. It’s the only OTC med I’ve tried that produces a real effect, whether it’s a high or just drowsiness. And the government/pharmaceuticals like to keep drugs that actually work out of our hands…
Tolerance definitely builds up fast… At the beginning of the week I was just taking 1 benadryl at night to help me sleep, but as of last night I had to take 6 for the same effect.
Well maybe 8 hrs more to go. I feel stable which is a huge improvement over the last couple weeks. Mostly psychological I’m sure, since the drugs I’m using aren’t even that strong, but it’s just knowing that I have the green light to blast my mind sky high if I need to, that’s what’s keeping me calm for now.
Thanks again for chiming in and adding your support to the equation, that’s helping a lot.
Its good that youre doing this, it shows you have the willpower to stop.
thanks the_other_side, yeah I guess that’s what I wanted to find out, if I have the willpower to stop just for 1 day, by whatever means. Beyond that, I’m not sure whats next
“And the government/pharmaceuticals like to keep drugs that actually work out of our hands…”
YES, THAT. You’ve got that right buddy.
benedryl can give ppl a high??
i thought it just causes drowsiness. sheets, i didn’t know tolerance for that builds that quick, in a week.
Give it a try sometime… it’s not exactly a game changer, but I like to use it as crisis relief… yk like when you’re having a panic attack and you don’t have access to real meds and you don’t want to flirt with alcohol.
for me it has lost its effect almost entirely, but in the beginning (I’m talking years ago) I used to pop a pill or 2 at school to get me thru anxiety. It gave me a light headed effect, I don’t want to use the word ‘euphoric’ bc I wouldn’t know what that feels like, but just sorta buzzed like a couple glasses of wine might do.
but the problem is yeah your body builds up a tolerance quick. not necessarily in a week – I think that’s just because my body recognizes the drug after all these years of on/off use/abuse.
It def sucks that ******/govmt won’t let us have anything that actually works. Not like they’re concerned about our health; they just want to cash in. Look at the whole pot situation… For years they insisted it was a public health nuisance, but now that voters have spoken up and gotten it legalized, suddenly the govmt wants to step in and regulate it (i.e. only ****** gets to sell it, at high prices)… but don’t get me started lol
idk dude it’s just so frustrating that the right drugs are out there and I believe most people can self medicate responsibly just like most ppl can drink responsibly (NOT ME THO), but the powers-that-be would rather create a dysfunctional society where only they control the cure. and that leads losers like me down the path of abuse with whatever lameass drugs I can get my hands on… ok i’m done, i think i shit my soapbox
lmao on this site’s censorship. for clarity’s sake, the evil bleeped out word above is PxHxAxRxMxA remove the x’s
just testing bc i’m bored
the 5th word is the same as all the others but abbreviated
And they like to keep d,rugs that actually work out of our hands…
my d,rug of choice is food. sugary carby food that tastes good for like 60s, but slowly kills your insides 🙁