I’m tired of complaining, i just want to be better. But i have no clue how to do that. By better I mean I want to win at videogames, i want to pass classes, I want to be smarter.
All I see in myself is a pity party. A poor lost idiot trying to make it in this cruel world. Someone who is perseverant yet incapable. Why must this be my present.
It feels like I’m never gonna be my ideal self. I have trouble learning, memorizing, thinking. I have trouble communicating and talking. I suck at videogames.
At first i wanted to just vent. But then i realized the title sounds sarcastic. I don’t know what to do about my stupid self. I can’t even take Adderall anymore because I’m crazy. This sucks.
Now a days apparently I’m not even that good of a friend. So I have NO idea what I’m good for. Gosh I should have been a still born. Considering I was an unexpected pregnancy. And I was born late. And I have ADHD. And I went crazy. I have no idea why I was put on this earth.
For the song
I wonder if reaching my dreams would be detrimental sometimes. Like imagine that i was capable but part of me knew that it was all a bad idea. I wonder if achieving my goals would be bad for me. But i almost don’t care. I really want to be a better person.
It’s okay man. Life is meant to suck. Life is struggling. We do our best. Even if it ends. This is it.
The first time I heard that song was from a game called just dance xD On the serious issue, I hope you find a way to manage what ur going through.
It’s really hard to differentiate between admitting our problems and feeling sorry for ourselves. Or if you look at the flip side of the same coin it’s self-confidence vs delusion. All the extremes are dangerous.
I do think in our case (suicidal depression) we tend to beat ourselves up more than we should. Venting is much needed, but if you’re like me a venting session usually leads to feeling worse.
I’m not gonna say something stupid like “think positive!” because it’s not that easy. But maybe the answer is to focus on some part of your life that you’re really good at. Doesn’t matter how small or insignificant. I’m really good at taking care of my dog. So I use that as a base, and I try to build on that. It works some days.
I know you said you have no idea what you’re good for. I think that’s this disease talking, it blinds us to anything good about ourselves. I hope you can cut through that and see that there’s something good about you, even if it’s just the fact that you mastered walking on 2 legs.
It reminds me of a song called Lilla Du (little one) by a band called Gasolin. In it the singer talks about how he feels like he was set up for failure. The reprise are variations on; “what now, little one?”
which is the critical question. What now? If your sights are higher than your ability to achieve, you’ve got to find closer intermediate goals. For example on the video game front; if you’re struggling to master Dark Souls, maybe downshift to Skyrim. Alternatively, change angle of attack, maybe play Stardew Valley an entirely different game all together.
Though if you are looking for dark/grim and a little silly, I’ve got to put a word in for Graveyard Keeper.
Same goes for classes. If you’re trying to take biology for majors (the hardest class I ever took), it’s going to be harder to succeed. Take intro to computers or study methods (whichever it’s called at your university). If you can post here you can pass that class. Take fewer classes at a time also, full load can be too much for even the best students.
If your depression is like mine, you’ve got a small amount of energy to work with. Ask yourself when you are beating yourself up; what purpose does it serve? Is there a way to do something that will make you feel better?
I have no doubt life is hard, but reframe that, you’re a survivor, you’ve come through an awful trial and you’re still here. That’s an achievement in itself.