Im addicted. Drugs, alcohol, porn. A slice of heaven in exchange for a slice of hell. Porn, in particular, has left me with desires for unrealistic situations, and the emptiness that comes with realizing none of it will ever happen the way you want. My days lately have been a haze. Weed, drink, drink, drink, repeat. At this rate, Ill be back on the needle in no time. Part of me actually looks forward to it.
Definitely relatable, and there’s a lot of insight there. If you can find something meaningful in your life to hold on to & turn it around for, now may be the time. Rather than regretting it when you hit rock bottom, and find there’s nothing left. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that no matter how bad you feel about yourself, it’s always possible to feel worse.
My suggestion, if you’re taking suggestions from suicidal freakshows, is to pick just 1 vice and slam the door shut on it. Cold turkey quit and never go back. This creates a weird sort of confidence or even pride in yourself, even though you’re still killing yourself with other vices.
For me it was alcohol. I quit alcohol even though I still use drugs and a host of other vices to cope with life. Alcohol is off the table. So even on my worst days I can feel good that I beat that 1 demon, it counts for a lot.
Either that or just sink into debauchery full force and get it over with… That’s my plan B. We’ll see how it goes
Drugs is pretty generic, though since you said needle that does narrow it down to stuff I’ve never tried (not for lack of trying)
Alcohol and porn I know well though. I’ve come the closest to struggling with alcohol. When I went through my divorce while also being unemployed… I drank more than I’m proud of. I could barely function, managing to feed myself and use the bathroom and little else. What brought me back out was finding stuff I needed to be awake for.
Meeting my wife was the end of me abusing alcohol though. See, her dad is an alcoholic, flushed his life away. Because of her we have a rule that we only drink when we’re happy. If we’re sad, it’s gotta be something else.
Porn though, that’s a sticky wicket. I’ve gone round and round with it, right now I’m desensitized to the point it doesn’t do anything. One thing I do when I am on it is switch to short stories, so at least I’m not reinforcing unrealistic body images in my head.
not that I consider myself a success in that area, it’s just something I’ve put a lot of time and effort into. My first wife wanted me entirely off such things, that she should be enough to satisfy my desires. That shame was part of why that marriage failed. Now, my current wife, she looks at it, I look at it, it’s fantasy. The lack of shame actually means I use less of it.
Weed…. I’ve tried to get further into. The only kind I like is either expensive or a lot of work. I like infusions, kicks quick and easily adjusted in dose, minimum $60 a month. The other thing I’ve kindof liked was concentrate, but it’s way too easy to get an oversized dose.
Identify triggers, explore other ways to deal with them. Also, get friends that don’t have to drink or do drugs to hang out. Mainly though, don’t be too hard on yourself, don’t worry about later, focus on now. Get through this hour, then this day, change takes time.
aww, that’s nice that you wound up meeting your 2nd wife, and by the sounds of it, things are better with her?
Yes by a long shot, my first wife and I were only married for a year, together for four or five. I’ve only ever dated women somewhat like me, and she had all of my ambitious and cruel traits, so it was like being married to my worst self.
I took a good long time looking for the next one, and frankly I had given up when I met her. We’ve been together ten years this year, married for two. She has more of my kind/laid back traits, so it’s like being married to someone way nicer than I am.
The big difference is how long I spent figuring out what expectations I had messed up the first time around. The second time I was pretty blunt about it; ‘look, I’ve been sick most of my life, I don’t know how long I’ll be able to work, or what I’ll be able to do, but I’ll try not to take it out on you’
Both times married someone smarter than me, so that’s a wash as a trait. Oh, Wife #1 couldn’t cook, pretty much at all. Second time around I found someone who can cook! It’s surprising how much a little thing like that helps.
It’s heroin for me. I’m “only” drinking and smoking weed at the moment, but the devil’s whispering sweet nothings into my ear about the old habit again. Been to rehab twice. Porn’s a separate but related issue. Can you believe it–I actually get depressed about not doing some of the same things I see in videos. I’m glad I can talk about it here, it’s off limits anywhere else