There’s a specific kind of self harm that I do, it’s pretty fucked up and I’ll just leave it at that because I don’t want to give anyone any ideas. I wish to high hell I had never discovered it. A couple years ago I found an online forum dedicated to something similar, and within that forum I met a girl who did the same thing I do. She had taken it to the next level. So I saw her as sort of a future version of myself.
At this point I should say that I’ve never heard of anyone recovering from this thing. And nobody I’ve ever talked to has ever heard of anyone recovering from this thing. It always ends in death by either the SH itself or by suicide. And that’s how this girl died, suicide. It was a perfectly planned methodical suicide, and it wouldn’t be hard to follow in her footsteps.
I managed to quit self harm last year, for almost the full year. Ironically it was the girl’s death that made me quit. It woke me up and reminded me that this shit is real. People die from this. This aint a fucking game, which is how I had always justified it. So I quit.
Can’t remember why I relapsed. But I relapsed hard. Now I’m staring certain death in the face. I had my last chance at recovery and blew it. If even the scare of a friend dying wasn’t enough to set me straight, then I’m toast. I never thought I would admit that this thing beat me but it did. The warnings were there. I heeded them, tried to pull out of this spiral, even convinced myself that I did… but fuck. How arrogant to think I would be the first to beat this. I’m just another statistic about to happen.
I usually try to be positive and affirming, but I have to quibble on one point;
you haven’t used up your last chance
Things might look dark, but as long as you’re breathing change is possible. It sounds like you were really proud of your sobriety, good, all the more reason to return to it.
Depression wants us to feel powerless, helpless. We aren’t. There are things we can’t control, but our choices are the one thing we for sure can.
Thanks, I really appreciate the vote of confidence. The problem is that the motivation required to beat this, or any hardcore addiction, is enormous. I’ve struggled with this for 6 years never coming close to recovery, until her death knocked me into shape. But now that I fucked that up what’s it going to take, another death? That won’t even work because it already failed once and that sets a new pattern.
Really at this point the only thing that would get me to try again would be some unbelievably miraculous life changing event. Something that will infuse me with the strength I lost a long time ago. Til then, I’m not even going to try because I’m so sick of mustering up my own hopes up only to fail. It feels like trying to start a car that’s out of gas. You crank the ignition and hear it start to kick in so you give it all the gas you have left. But if that doesn’t work then you just blew your last couple drops for nothing.
but then, you can go to the gas station. (friends, family, therapist). as long as you have these, (or the option to go,) then you can get some fuel to keep the engine running. and if that doesnt help you, then try to think. what would your friend have wanted for you. if you keep doing this, current friends could die in the future because they tried it because they thought you looked fine. and do you want to follow her into your own suicide? there are people who give a shit, and there will be more in the future if you keep breathing. 😉
so try. for her.
also i have also had a tough and very wide spectrum of cutting. i remember myself, bleeding all over the corner of the bathroom, cuts all over me. i wont get into it now, but ill tell you how i got out of it. i found out, that its not you that you have to stop for. stop for the other people, who could get hurt, or see you hurting. they care, and they are hurt aswell. stop so they are safe.
That’s good advice to quit for others. If the root of self harm is that we don’t care about ourselves, then we have to look outside for a reason to stop. But what if you have literally no one? I have a handful of online friends… uh actually just 1… but thats not the same bc I can easily hide the darker side. I can be self harming while I’m emailing and nobody will know… Same with drugs and bad choices in general, nobody knows unless I tell them. So it’s easy to sink into secrecy & isolation to do these things. Only a rl connection can break the spiral…
Thats true, but you can find people. try and trust in someone. do you go to a school or work somewhere? if yes, then you can try to talk to someone (not about this, thats for when they are ready). if you just try and ask how someones day is going, just try to keep a conversation going. if the other person proceeds to talk to you about the same things, keep doing that. in the future you could have someone to trust with this knowledge. and besides, i think they could help you maybe have a little bit of fun. i know that doesnt seem possible, but you never know when this will stop. cos it will. you just dont know when.
I would love to try that, but I’m really stuck in a lame ass town that has 1 road, 1 gas station and 1 Walmart. And half a dozen graveyards haha. College was great while it lasted bc I got out of this hellhole and was able to do the things you said, interact with people. But I dropped out…. got pretty run-down and had to come out here and take it easy …as Holden Caulfield would say. Ever since it’s just me, self hate, self harm, and that shadowy visitor named suicide who keeps knocking at the door
well.. always try to make the most of it at least.