couple days ago I posted “48 hrs of self destruction” which became 100 hours. honestly it was the first time I’d felt “good” in a while. Anything is better than slow decay. Any act we consciously take to alter the course of our misery, even if it’s speeding it up, gives us a faint sense of control over our doom.
But after a couple days of it, even self destruction became commonplace. so the pendulum swings back. again and again. The entire fucking universe is a collection of repetitive cycles. Planets go round and round and round. Galaxies expand, then contract, then explode again, repeat for fucking ever. I suppose the only thing that makes the shitshow tolerable is staring at a microscopic slice of time and convince ourselves that we are doing something new.
Which brings us to the title of this post. Today I’m rebooting my system with a handful of neurontin. This shit actually works, and if you have access to it I highly recommend taking a large (but not stupidly large) dose to see how it readjusts your entire perspective. My problem is I live in the United Shithole of America where this stuff costs $100+/bottle and I don’t have healthcare or insurance so I can only do a system reboot every few months.
Ha. Another fucking cycle. reboot the system with drugs, glide for a while, then fall. Repeat. Repeat.
But this cycle has an ending. I’m going to run out of pills very soon. After that…? Probably go to a gun range, rent a gun an blast my face off (assisted suicide in America lmfao). Will the cycle continue after that? Can’t wait to find out.
is this gabapentin you’re talking about?
Yup, neurontin is one of the brand names for gabapentin. It’s usually prescribed as a painkiller but recently they discovered some psychological/mental effects and now it’s being prescribed for people with severe head injuries which is how I got my prescription. I found if I take 2-3x the regular dose it makes me think more clearly, less emotionally, and I can actually plan things for the future instead of being stuck in my hell of the present.
“My problem is I live in the United Shithole of America where this stuff costs $100+/bottle and I don’t have healthcare or insurance so I can only do a system reboot every few months.”
–>Finally an American who thinks the same. It’s so odd that so few ppl come out and say it when there’s obviously SO MANY systemic problems in the (education, healthcare, mass shootings, opiod epidemic, etc)
Everyone seems to think USA is SO great, brainwashed into regurgitating that “we are #1,” “we’re the richest country” and if we make any complaint about anything in America, it’s always “well you can move/leave the country if you don’t like it.” So f*ing stupid and ridiculous.
Whatever happened to FIXING the problems, rather than “stop complaining and leave”? But, that would require sheeple to 1- admit there are problems and flaws in our system and 2- they are helpless to exert any change by themselves, unless EVERYONE gets together to DEMAND change (like the Yellow Vests in France). But no, Americans have been abused for so long that we quit fighting for better healthcare, social services, better wages, etc. And since we don’t, well, we get this clusterfuck that we have now.
I know right? As if it’s “unpatriotic” to criticize the USA in any way, so we’re supposed to shut up and take it. I had some friends in UK who had a hard time understanding that I can’t just call mental health services and get a full evaluation and medication and a friendly case worker to help me get my groceries all for free. No, over here the minute you set foot in a hospital, or ambulance, the bill starts racking up.
So yeah despite the USA being so technologically & medically advanced, it doesn’t mean squat because only rich people can afford it while the rest of us might as well be in the middle of some desert searching for a witch doctor.
But maybe that’s the American plan… Let the riff raff die out. I’ll be happy to oblige, but bring up the subject of assisted, dignified suicide and you’re unpatriotic again. Sheesh
they have ppl to help us get groceries? goddamn, i need to live in europe, preferable denmark, sweden, norway, but i guess even the UK is better than the US -_-
i need help with so many things, just to get around, laundry, groceries, etc. ofc the universal healthcare- that is HUGE to have. But we have none here.
“But maybe that’s the American plan… Let the riff raff die out.”
–>No, they want us sick and beholden to them. THAT is the plan.
America is beholden to corporations, and with corporations is all profits over ppl. They are most profitable when we are alive- but sick- where they can keep us on medications or whatever for life.
We have sick care in America, NOT healthcare. There is NO money in having us healthy. Healthy ppl don’t need medications, therapies, hospitals, procedures, etc. But sick ppl do. So they make us sick (gmo pesticide laden food), and keep us sick (don’t give the poor healthcare, give the middle class high deductibles), overwork drs so they can’t spend more than 10min with a patient, limit the # of drs so every hospital, clinic, etc is shortstaffed (same with nurses), drs are so overworked they cut off the wrong leg bc they’re so tired. And those are facts.
Anyhow, FML. I wish I grew up and live in a better country. This fucking country’s predatory Medical Industrial Complex has made me chronically ill and this is a large reason why I’m depressed af.
I’m going to start esoteric, and move to practical second. Thus, if the esoteric is of no appeal, I’ll be putting a line break at the top of the practical section. Skip ahead if philosophic and metaphoric are dull to you.
I find it interesting how many of us reach similar points around the same time. Between this and Husk, it seems like several of us are reaching the point where we admit that what we have been doing isn’t working anymore.
One of my perceptive gaps is that I tend to see patterns where there are none, and assume significance when none exists. Thus my little intro about how esoteric this is going to be. I’m as cynical as anyone else about it. However hiding from it gives it strength, and it is because I’m so cynical that I write it out to work it out.
I have no doubt this pattern has worked in the past, else it wouldn’t become habit. Past is a poor predictor of future though. To adapt, to thrive, we’ve got to be dynamic in our approach. It can be scary, and enormously physically and emotionally difficult. My thesis is that the pain is worth it, and that long term stagnation is even more emotionally and physically painful.
Effectiveness is the only metric that matters to me. If something hampers that, it is at best distrusted and at worst needed to get rid of. Any way I am dependent on others represents a substantial vulnerability. As a trauma survivor…. being vulnerable is something I avoid.
Which is as good a point as any to transition to actually talking about drugs. See you after the bump.
“Better living through chemistry”, that’s how we all got here. It was a movement in the 20th century and to be fair it did up productivity at the time. What we have struggled with especially in the West is the concept of “enough”, and the practical limitations of chemistry.
I keep going back to the metaphor of a computer, because that’s my other education. Chemical alteration is hardware tinkering. Quite a bit can be achieved via hardware tinkering, overclocking is still one of the strongest things in our arsenal. However, if our software is poorly optimized (IE ineffective thought processes), we can overclock all the time and we still will eventually see the limit of the returns we can get.
It helps that I hit one of my limits earlier in the year. I love coffee, the taste, the feeling, and it is the thing I know the most about what it feels to overdo it. I kept drinking more and more coffee, but because the rest of my body wasn’t able I hit the limit of how much energy and focus I can bring to the table.
In the end, I realized more coffee actually caused more problems, and that I needed to work on my body and mind to optimize it rather than leaning solely on a chemical boost. For the past few days I’ve had a cup a day, and I’ve felt better.
Like a house of cards though, when one thing stops working, often others follow. After abandoning coffee, I turned to exercise and was correct that’s what my body wanted, BUT, because of the other drugs I’m on the energy just isn’t there.
Which is where I reached yesterday. The point I realized I needed to lower all my doseages. Cold turkey is dangerous and ill advised when it comes to psychiatric medications. However last night I got to sleep with one third of my normal evening dose. This morning, I woke up hungry! What a change this is, I can’t tell you how nice it is for my body to assert itself.
Today I feel less foggy, and I’m getting more done. I took a little more than half of my day meds, and so far so good. It’s a day at a time, and I reserve the option to return to my previous dose. It turns out though that while sleep and rest are healing sometimes, there’s such a thing as too much. My family, my community won’t let me raise the white flag and give up. That being the case…. I’m doing the best I can.
The one thing I won’t abandon is my mistrust and memory of the pain that put me in a sort of self induced coma for 9 months. I don’t ever want to hurt like that again.
The realistic way of making that happen is to get as far away from those circumstances and people as possible, to live a new life.
if u feel better with a lower dosage, then aren’t those drugs causing more damage? good for you for tapering off slowly. i often hear ppl get better when they’re on less meds or lower doses. most ppl are over medicated and over lethargized from it. and if u tell a dr the drugs aren’t working, they just increase the dose -_-
at the moment I still want off them entirely. I was medicated heavily, my whole childhood, so first thing I got out on my own I got off of everything. I made some mistakes, but I remember feeling better than I ever thought I could.
The thing about then, like the thing about now, is rejecting the conditions I was trying to “deal with” using drugs (even if they are legal, still drugs). I thought if I worked hard, took my meds, was as smart as I knew how to be….. I don’t know what I expected. Profit? In the black at least, not LOSING MONEY ON THE DEAL. It was losing money on the deal for every day I worked. It cost more to work than to sit at home.
I guess that’s something some people struggle to get. They’re like positive income, it has to be more than no income. it’s a lie though. When you’re wearing out cars, wearing out your body, wearing out your house…. and you can’t afford repairs, you’re losing money.
I got a bill today from when I was working three years ago. Three years ago I was working for the state in child welfare, and I had to go to the dentist and get a tooth pulled. It cost, according to them, $1,200. In eight months of working for them, EIGHT MONTHS AT A COLLEGE EDUCATED JOB, I never cleared that much in excess cash.
Screw that, I’ll be a bum. Shame me all you want, but I’m not stealing from my future self to prop up someone’s bad idea. A business that can’t pay workers? That’s going to fail, same goes regardless of non profit, religious, whatever. If you don’t pay people, your organization WILL FAIL.
Right now, looks like that’s a large segment of the economy. Oh well. Maybe try harder? they said that to me alot. Maybe talk to human resources. YEAH, that solves things…. pffft.
I’m tired of waiting on better coming, and it isn’t coming. I’m tired of working my ass off and getting another day poorer.
So they’re either gonna pay me what I’m worth, or I’ll do without. I’ve had to do without so much stuff at this point…… and it’s less work than going into a job that can’t pay me enough to keep my health together. I’ll figure out living off rice and beans if necessary, but I’m not mortgaging off my soul.
I couldn’t allow myself to be this angry, this tired, this bitter, because I still thought I had to try and go back in, and make it work. Now I’ve decided that isn’t my job. Every time I’ve had a supportive boss, I’ve had success. That’s just a vanishing frontier. I feel like an old cowboy, and everyone is moving to ranching, no need for cowboys anymore.
I’d rather be a relic than a failure, and I’d rather respect myself than get the respect of anyone else. The drugs only help you keep your head down, they don’t solve anything. Sometimes, I guess, it’s good to keep your head down. I can’t stand it anymore, not when I know full well I don’t deserve it.
Capitalism is a new invention, for mankind, we’re still trying to figure it out. We made it our first 99 million years without bankers, without leveraged assets, and without a bunch of leeches feeding off the workers. The drugs are a new invention too, and just as questionable in value.
“The drugs only help you keep your head down, they don’t solve anything.”
-> Exactly. All the “treatments” and “therapies” are designed to pacify us, keep us alive and just functioning enough to keep us as cheap labor for the owners of the country.
“Capitalism is a new invention, for mankind, we’re still trying to figure it out. We made it our first 99 million years without bankers, without leveraged assets, and without a bunch of leeches feeding off the workers. The drugs are a new invention too, and just as questionable in value.”
->You have seen behind the curtain. Welcome to my world. This is how I see the world, bc it is the truth. Anyone who says any different either 1- make enough money where they don’t have the same problems as us or 2- they know deep down something is broken but are desperately trying to fool themselves that everything’s fine, that everything will be ok, if only they believed it hard enough. Hence the whole “think positive” spiel.
“A business that can’t pay workers? That’s going to fail” – state programs and services are designed this way.
Hell, our lovely educational system is the same way. Our education is shit bc they don’t pay the teachers a decent salary. And no, it’s not that there’s “no money.” The US is #1 in education expenditure, but the money doesn’t go into the hands of teachers, students, classrooms, supplies, materials, etc. All the money is siphoned off by “administrators,” corrupt ppl at the top (i’m not talking the secretary in the school office), steal all the money that’s supposed to go to the the teachers and students.
USA was *once* a land of opportunity, where hard work and smarts got you somewhere. But not since the 1980s when corporations started to infiltrate the government. Fast fwd to 2023 and infiltration is complete. It’s a complete buy out now. Every single politician is essentially bought out (or the tiny handful who actually wanted change, bullied into compliance)
anyhow, we’re probably the only ones who see through the curtain and are aware of the purposeful fuckery that is our economy. -_- Everything was designed this way. Things aren’t “broken” by accident.