I don’t even know where to begin. Like I have mentioned before, I feel incompetent, I feel stupid, I feel dumb. and above that incapable of change. With that being said I am looking at avenues to change my life for the better. I’m tired of being this way. Tell me why there is nothing online to help people like me. On reddit people like me post the question of their incompetence with examples. But people just give blanket or what seems to me as irrelevant advice. For example someone will mention their poor memory, their incapability to learn, their manifold mistakes. The responses are usually in no particular order as follows:
- Don’t be so hard on yourself.
- Take DHA (which actually might help)
- Maybe you are good at something else
- Avoid simple sugars
- Work harder
- Work smarter
- You can do it
- Believe in yourself
- Maybe you have a learning disability (I have two)
There are more I just can’t think of them right now. The truth is, I don’t think all of these will genuinely solve the problem. Maybe the DHA, or the cutting simple sugars? But I see people who don’t do that and excel at seemingly everything. I don’t understand why. I think we are all different. Some of us smarter than others. Usually I say embrace yourself, there is only one of you, it is okay to be different. But, I don’t want to be this dumb. There is nothing in this world That I would want more than to just be competent, literate, well read. The only things I want more than that are ethereal in nature and don’t need mention in this post. I love some parts of myself. But this part has affected me career wise and financially. I am tired of being me. I am tired of not making it. I am tired of making so many mistakes. I don’t want to live like this. I have no idea what todo.
Of the list above the last paragraph the only real clue towards a better self is having a learning disability. Why? Because at that point you can do something or accept your destiny. Meaning if you have a treatable learning disability, like ADHD you can get Adderall. Or if you are like me, you are kinda screwed. ADHD plus schizophrenia. You can’t treat the ADHD with stimulants because it might trigger a psychotic episode. So now what? WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? Just give up on my dreams because of something I didn’t choose and I cannot control? You see how messed up that is right? I feel like giving up on everything. I think I’m done writing for tonight. As always comments appreciated. And for the song:
I think I’m dumb. Biggest difference between this song and me, is I’m not like them and I cant pretend.
2 comments
I totally get what you mean. I have a disability which I hate so much I’ve never admitted it to anyone and probably never will, and it makes certain everyday tasks like pulling teeth. But since I look like a healthy person, nobody would guess or believe how much I struggle. I understand how memory & cognitive disabilities can do that to you even though you look or act normal. It sucks man.
I’m torn on whether a diagnosis or medication is a good thing though. Sure if there’s a proven cure then go for it. But I’m not convinced that pills can truly help us think clearer, or give us memory or intelligence. Isn’t that how the original snake oil salesmen cheated people, by promising magic tonics that made you smarter, stronger, taller, etc… To this day nothing can do that, though there are still plenty of snake oil salesmen peddling pills and tonics.
Anyway my point is, if there’s no proven cure then what’s the point of getting a diagnosis… hence my denial of my condition. Life sucks and I have to work twice as hard to compensate, but I worry if I call it an official disability i’ll use that as an excuse to stop trying, or even worse itll make me feel fundamentally inferior to everyone else.
Well its not like my strategy is making me any happier so I guess it doesnt matter.
Well… you could try non-stimulant medications for adhd… Unless you’re an inattentive type like me. Then I get it but it might still work. I felt stupid without my medication, omg it sucks hug*