I’m tired of trying to distract myself from my loneliness. I’ve been more or less alone for the majority of my life, and it’s only getting worse as I get older. No one knows me. No one cares except my family, and they don’t really know me. I’ve given no one a reason to care about me. There is no good reason to care about me. I’m not someone worthy of being cared for. But it doesn’t stop me wanting it. I want to be known. I want at least one other person to really understand what goes on in my head, without wanting to run a mile. And I know it’s not possible, but it doesn’t stop me wanting it.
Imagine having someone who’s actually on your side, who you can trust, who you don’t have to be constantly on your guard around. With whom you don’t have to pretend. Who you can be your honest self with, and it’s ok. Maybe nobody really has that. Maybe everyone’s pretending to some extent. But then again, everyone else doesn’t seem to feel the need to post on sites like this, so I guess the loneliness is at least somewhat diminished.
I know that I can never be honest with another person. That the things I’ve done make it simply impossible for another person to accept me, and the isolation of that will always be with me. And it’s so hard to accept that. I don’t want to live with this feeling. Some days it’s stronger than others, and it gets particularly strong at night. And I just have to wait for it to fade a bit. I’ll eventually fall asleep, and tomorrow I’ll be too busy with work to really focus on it, at least until the evening. And maybe my mind will be temporarily occupied by something else by then.
But right now, I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to try to speed up the forgetting. Because I’m alone, and I’ll always be alone. And it’s all pointless, and hopeless.
But I think writing this out has helped, just a little bit. It’s the universe’s problem now – it’s not just in my head.