Y’know, sometimes I feel like I wasn’t meant to born. I think I’m defective. I don’t know if there’s something wrong with me or whatever but I just can’t seem to do anything right.
I don’t fit in with anyone and I can’t make friends because I don’t understand anything. I don’t get why people act the way they do, talk the way they do, or dress the way they do. I feel like a fucking idiot because I’m always out of the loop. I’m the one that never gets it. Everyone else is in on the secret and I’m sitting in the next room with my ear to the door, just hoping that if I catch even a tiny whisper I can level up and have friends like a normal person.
I’ve been thinking about taking my own life almost everyday. But that’s all I do. Think. I’m too much of a coward to actually go through with it. I’m just scared. Really scared. A kid at my school killed himself last week and it made me realize just how “final” death is. I wish I was still a Christian because the idea of dying and becoming nothingness intimidates—terrifies—me so much.
3 comments
I think what you are describing is high functioning autism or mild psychopathy. Talk to someone about how you feel. You might be surprised at how much help you can get. But to be honest with you, nobody is perfect. You’ll get it together some day. Or not, and that is okay. Don’t stress too much about it.
Unlike Carlos I actually understand exactly what you are feeling and saying.. Dont know if I would label what you feel as functioning autism or mild psychopathy. Maybe borderline mental illness in general, but thats most people these days. I understand what you are going through as I feel like I shouldn’t exist and shouldn’t have even been born. I also feel out of place and unable to operate like most people. Its a undescribable feeling that most people wont understand. You are not alone! We are a rare breed and there are many of us in this world but not easy to come across in a world of Billions. I do agree with Carlos about talking about what your going through, if you haven’t already tried this solution. It didnt work for me, but might be something that helps you.. There are a lot of options to try to help ease your mental anguish. Once you try everything you can to remedy your situation, than you can atleast say you tried. In the end as long as you stay true to yourself thats all thay matters. No one can judge you for what they do not understand. I already tried to commit suicide as a last resort and it didn’t take. So at this point I live everyday struggling to fit in. I have tried everything possible to fix myself. I have come to realize that some times when things break especially People we stay broken forever. Just know that your not alone in your misunderstood state of mind. I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it hasn’t for me.. I hope your situation changes as you sound young and who knows what the future holds for you. My future is bleak, but im old and set im my ways..
I honestly feel you Im really struggling with everything. can’t seem to make friends because I don’t understand how to be normal. school honestly sucks.