Trying is scary to me. If I do everything within my power, and it’s still not close to enough to get me anywhere worthwhile, but I still don’t have it in me to end it, then I’m just… stuck. Stuck in complete misery and despair. No more false hope or fantasies to tell myself, to get me through the day. Just the unrelenting awareness of my failure and inferiority. That’s terrifying.
But at the moment the story I’m telling myself is that I will try. That I am trying. Tentatively and gradually at first. But that I will eventually do all that’s reasonably possible to find some level of fucking peace in this world. And if that doesn’t get me anywhere, then I will allow myself to end it. That’s almost certainly a lie. But I need it. I can’t be this lonely, isolated, self-hating, miserable creature anymore. It’s unbearable. I need to launch my broken neurotic self at the world until it shapes me into something new, or breaks me to such an extent that I’m ready to end it.
Guaranteed that my resolve will not last the month. That I will turn back as soon as it gets even a little difficult, and you will find me here saying the same old shit. But right now, I’m trying. I’m trying to try. I’m telling myself that I’m trying to try.
This is similar to a thought I also had this morning. Why do we fear trying? I came up with a logical answer, maybe it applies to you…
In any dire situation, if you have a limited amount of resources then you have to use them wisely, wait for the right opportunity instead of squandering everything right away. Say for example you fall into a deep well, and you jusssst might have enough strength to climb out if you’re lucky. Instead of jumping right to it, you might want to wait until your injuries heal, wait until you feel rested, or at the very least wait until it stops raining so your chances of success will be greater.
Well that’s what I’m telling myself at least. I’m sure there’s also some self-defeatism going on. But I really do think it’s smart to wait until the wind is in your favor before embarking on any cross oceanic ventures.
In any case it sounds like you have some motivation so maybe now is the time for you to give it all you’ve got. Or at least get started. Make the most of it while you can, even in little steps. You might actually make it out of here.
I think that’s rational to some extent, but I’ve been in this hole for far too long, and I’ve only become older, weaker, and less capable. I think that’s a wise strategy for a few weeks, possibly for a few months. But if it becomes a question of years, let alone decades, it’s unlikely to become any easier. I’m sure there are exceptions to that though.
Spring is generally a time when I feel more capable of doing things. We’ll see how far I get before next winter starts closing in.
Good point about Spring being a good time to try harder. Seasonal depression is real. And vitamin D (sunlight) makes a huge difference according to the statistics. So it looks like you have things lined up in your favor, now is definitely the time to go for it.
Good luck Husk, I do feel for you. I’ve seen your posts for a few years and I feel that you’re largely trapped by your own thinking.
I find that whatever way you see out of your problem, you also shut that avenue down, which is ultimately self-defeating.
I also have difficulty believing you could’ve been an evil person in the past, given how reluctant you are to making any mistakes or changes in your life. Seems to me you’re just hard on yourself…or you did something wrong and can’t get beyond it.
I trust now that most people here know what they can and cannot do with their lives…meaning some know that they’re at the end of their rope while others know they still have plenty of line left.
I heard of some student ending his life a couple of years back, with a photo of him slumped on his desk. Sad sight but I also thought at least he’s free from a bad life…and I thought it could easily be me. Some of us still have some options available to us, like myself…that’s why I continue to keep going.
I moved a short while ago and it’s a better place than the last one…nothing is ideal ofc, until you own your own home, there are always problems (even if you do own) but still it’s an improvement.
I’ve mentioned I’m into trading and I think I could beat the odds and succeed…if I do then my life will be a lot better…but ofc there’s no guarantees with anything. I might get a chance to trade while I work from home with my regular job…though it’s not easy doing both but I’ll make it happen somehow.
I’m also planning to return to the gym this year and get back into shape finally. I used to be fit before but I let myself go. Unfortunately I slacked off from my own standards, but returning to the person I used to be: self-disciplined and ambitious.
As for yourself, I hope you are also able to make a better life for yourself. It seems you do want change and are tired of the same old rut you’re in.
For now I’m sticking to my plan of struggling to improve my life till my 60s…if it does get better, then I’ll keep going…if I’m still “getting by” as I am now, then that will probably be the end for me.
Ofc the same applies if my life goes to shit before that. Euthanasia in Canada is easier to get so I might try for that route rather than some risky method that could leave me worse off-like a vegetable.
While I had problems when I was younger, I didn’t know how good I had it and really regret not being bolder at taking chances with the opportunities I had.
All I can do now is to put myself in a place where such opportunities can happen again.
Life is really too short….what sucks is having a life that’s been mostly unhappy, it’s just not worth living, esp. as you see others being happy/contented and ending up where they wanted to be.
I should add, I recently re-opened some old wounds with my Dad, a convo we accidentally stumbled into. A part of me really wants to tell him off, for the azzhole he was to me…at the same time he’s also in a position to help me out right now and it wasn’t all bad…he was helpful at times, doesn’t make up for it…but better than nothing.
So for now in an awkward follow-up convo we had, I basically said it’s water under the bridge….we might revisit it some time…but what does it matter to let him know he was partly responsible for wrecking my life?
I take 50% of the blame for my mistakes that got me here, 25% to society for not giving me jobs (for example) I deserved to get….and 25% to my dad who fucked me up at key moments in my life.
Had he listened to me and stopped meddling in my affairs, I think other parts of my life would’ve worked out ok, but he was a PoS that seemed to enjoy making my life worse…now he pretends like he was an angel and only made innocent mistakes, typical of a narcissitic, sociopathic personality…that’s where one of my sister gets it from…they pretend to care about you but actually don’t (they only care for themselves).
If we had some basic psych evaluations to have kids, a scumbag like him wouldn’t be allowed to pass on his genes. Never existing is better than having a bad life, esp. knowing what you could’ve had good things but lost out on because you were poor, or were born with other disadvantages that held you back.
I wish I wised up at least 10 if not 20 years ago….I was trying to ‘beat the odds’ and was hoping to bypass the rat-race. It was on a couple of years ago I decided to just take the ‘normal’ route to get success….should’ve done that ages ago and I’d have more time to become established.
If I was 40, or 30 now, and I sorted my life out, it would’ve been worth it….I’m pretty late now at 50. Even if I get rich in the next couple of years, my age is a big drawback and for some girls it’s going to be a deal-breaker.
Anyways, there’s nothing I can do now but to keep going….as I’m not so down on myself that I’d take suicide too seriously at the moment…but let’s see what happens in the next 5-10 years.
It will either let me know my life will improve and so I won’t have to worry about it…or it’ll keep sucking and I’ll have my answer. If I find a good female partner it might prove worthwhile, but my standards are very high since I’m used to dating beautiful girls and can’t settle for average. So another difficulty I face.
Thanks, I appreciate that. I agree that my self-defeating mind is the source of most of my issues, but a lot of that is subconscious, or so deeply ingrained that it seems impossible to change.
The nature of evil is of course subjective. I’ll simply say that I’ve done things pretty universally regarded as evil at many points in my past, and I still have persistent desires to do even worse things. My reluctance to make mistakes and general caution don’t apply in certain specific circumstances, though I do think I’ve gotten a little better over the years at retaining some degree of self-control (possibly it’s just that circumstances have made it easier.) Which is not to say that I’m a psychopath, or that I don’t have a conscience. It’s just that my conscience is frequently overridden by other factors.
I hope it works out for you. I have tentative plans to improve my life, but some are just pipe-dreams, and you never know whether future social change will make them redundant in this rapidly shifting world.
I share your aspirations to physical fitness. And your regret at not taking the opportunities offered to you when you were younger. It’s all relative, but age does barricade you from certain experiences. As do your standards/expectations. At the moment I’m trying to tell myself that I’ll settle for someone that even somewhat fulfils my basic needs from a relationship, but if I ever got to that point, I might still find myself unsatisfied and obsessed with unrealistic or impossible alternatives. We’ll see.
You’re welcome, thanks as well and I think you make a great point there. I don’t like getting personal about my life in public, but I’m willing to in some cases because it’s mostly anonymous here.
You hit on a key point-sometimes we are physically, emotionally and psychologically stopped from going after our goals because of bad programming embedded into our subconscious as you mentioned.
Part of the reason I missed out on some excellent opportunities is because I was sometimes paralyzed by my own insecurities and lack of confidence. Partly because I dealt with bullying in school but also because of my dad once again, being a tyrant and bully himself when I was younger.
So although I knew for example I had nothing to lose to ask a girl out who was showing me interest, I didn’t feel “good enough” to approach her and feared rejection as well. While fortunately I did manage to date some girls over time, when I was more my confident self, I still missed out on ten times more opportunities I had, which were even better.
Fair enough and I’m sorry you have this evil within you that causes you to do bad things. I think to an extent we’re all capable of doing bad things…but few of us ever act on it.
Clearly you understand your own problem better than anyone else. But if it’s something you can keep locked up, then you shouldn’t deprive yourself of an otherwise normal life. Like everyone you need contacts, connections in your life…esp. a significant other.
The trouble as I recall is that you’re too honest and you want everyone to know about your past, which you know will backfire on you which is why you stay in the same place you’re in.
The simple fact is that other people don’t need to know anything about your past. I’ve lied to others about my fcuks-ups and dumb things I’ve done. People usually buy your story even if they know there’s more to it.
Think of spies or criminals that hide their terrible past in order to blend in with society. That’s the stumbling block you face. So long as you don’t think you’ll be a threat or danger to others, then I’d suggest aiming for that semblance of a regular life that you want…it’ll never be ideal, but it’s better than where you are right now.
Indeed thanks, while the trading is longshot, I believe I can beat the odds…if I’m careful. Getting fit is something all of us can do, with time and dedication so hopefully I will find the time and energy to drag myself to the gym. In the beginning it’s always hard, but when your body gets used to it, then it becomes a routine.
If anything that’s a goal that’s easy to accomplish, compared to other things I’d like to do.
While finding an s/o has it’s own challenges it also depends on one’s standards. Anyone can find a girl or guy…the question is are you shooting for quality? The higher you aim, the harder it gets…but I’m sure both of us can find someone that mostly meets our expectations.
Funny thing you mentioned that at the end, I’m the same way and it’s partly way I’m still single, I think it’s wired into the male brain…we like the chase but once we have our prize, then we feel we could do better.
I’d say it’s a fatal flaw many of us guys have. We have to be able to settle with “good or amazing” than to keep shooting for the “mind-blowing,” in the end we’ll end up with neither. 🙂
I do indeed need contacts/connections in my life, if it’s going to be tolerable. I’m still trying to figure out how to go about making that happen in practice.
Yes, the issue is that it feels wrong and exploitative to involve people in my life when I know they wouldn’t be able to accept the truth, particularly a partner. There’s also the possibility that the truth could potentially catch up to me in future, or I’d have to kill myself to avoid the consequences of that, which I imagine would be pretty traumatizing for anyone unfortunate enough to care about me.
It feels wrong to involve anyone new in the mess I’ve made of my life, kind of like inviting them onto a boat that has a reasonable chance of hitting an iceberg. But if I want my life to be tolerable I need more people in it. And if my life remains unbearable then I’ll keep constantly thinking about suicide. Which would devastate my family. Which would also be wrong. So I’m wronging someone either way.
At the moment I’m thinking the best I can do is look primarily for casual relationships, and be as honest as I can with anyone who does want something more long-term – as in making it clear that there’s fucked up stuff in my past that I can’t tell them, that they wouldn’t be able to accept, and I might need to exit life pretty sharpish at some unspecified point in the future. There are so many red flags there that I can’t imagine anyone wanting a relationship on that basis, but who knows, maybe I’ll find someone messed up enough that they feel ok with it. Either that or the constant rejection will reinforce my despair to such an extent that I actually will end it.
Yeah, I think it’s just a part of human nature, though worse in some than others – it’s not generally evolutionarily beneficial to be content with what we have. The next prize always seems more appealing, and we tell ourselves that then we will finally be happy.
I’m telling myself I’d settle for “good enough”, which I’m defining as someone I feel somewhat attracted to (at least some of the time), who I feel an affinity for (I like them as a person), who I like spending time with. That’s about it. But if I ever got that, who knows…
Ya I’m in a similar boat, so is a close relative of mine. We want to expand our circle of friends (as we only have a handful of contacts in our lives), but it’s not easy. Most people our age are set in their ways and generally they don’t care to add new people in their life.
There are plenty of people who have built personal relationships with others only later ending up committing suicide. It’s a sad thing, for those left behind, but it’d be no different than if they died from a heart-attack or a car crash. Sometimes we have to be a little selfish to survive and get what we need in life and worry about the fallout later on.
Trust me on this, tell them nothing…because you don’t know what the future holds anyways. What you can always do is create a video explaining whatever you want and then let them know should anything happen, to watch that video.
In that vid, just explain none of it is their fault and that you kept this secret from them and apologize…or you can leave a letter to be only given to them or opened if the worst should happen.
Or say nothing. Your situation isn’t unique…other people have had dark pasts and said nothing to their s/o or even sometimes their friends/family and the secret came out later somehow.
There is such a thing as being ‘too honest.’ I’ve also learned people are not as forgiving of other people’s mistakes as they are of their own. It’d have to be someone either smart or fairly understanding who wouldn’t hold it against you.
Ya same for me, I think for the moment I have to be realistic in my life and “lower” my standards and find someone compatible. Ofc if my plan succeeds I’ll be in a good position to pick and choose…but if not, then I need a person in my life…also my mother is old and can pass away at any time…so I’d need someone else there, as I prefer not to be alone.
I can’t ever seem to find fucking peace. I have tried to lie to myself but it doesn’t work. Its the same fucking miserable cycle every fuckin day. it never ends. I tried to end it once in the summer but I didn’t quit take enough. Im slowly losing my sanity.
I feel you, dude. Hugs.
Modern society is far too antagonistic to lies and fiction. Sometimes, often, it’s the only hope or happiness available. What we screw up is mixing the lies that harm with the lies that help, as if they’re the same thing.
All dreams and aspirations are lies to start out with. Yet, these are the tools available to create a different life than we have. To try is a noble thing, regardless of the outcome.
I’ve talked about it before, beneficial delusion. I have one that I know isn’t true that I’m some sort of exiled military or political leader. I don’t have the memories for that! Yet, it produces results I like. It keeps me civil. It strokes my ego in a way that being a fancy hobo really doesn’t…. and what are exiled leaders but fancy hoboes in the end?
Aim for results, don’t worry about the how, you can figure that out as you go.
That’s an interestingly specific narrative to construct 😀