nobody

Realizing how much of a nobody I really am… is an interesting feeling. How worthless I really am. How little I truly deserve. The constant search for outside validation knowing I’ve earned nothing… How I have nothing of significance to offer the world, to the people I love dearly, to myself. Just… a nobody.

I think this is part of why I’m so terrified of becoming an adult. I am nothing. I have no goals. I’m not even sure I want to go to school after this. At least… not immediately. Maybe never. I’ll probably end up like most people with a degree that’s truly meaningless when it comes to living… I’m so uncertain of everything, I don’t even know what I want. People keep trying to shove it down my fucking throat… They think maybe I can become somebody, I guess. But I can’t truly change myself. Maybe circumstances or life… but as far as I know I’ll always be the same. This pathetic rot that I’ve grown to hate in the world… I am also that rot. Not really an individual, just this random blob of rot that has somehow gained consciousness. A nobody.

And to think my mom said she was proud of me today… I confessed I’ve not been doing well mentally (not going into detail, obviously) and she was talking about how proud she was for me getting through school and wanting to go to college… she’s proud of a lie. She can’t possibly know how worthless I am if she could say that, then again, she hasn’t said anything like that in a long, long time… To think the people I love so much, are proud of this lie of myself, this lie that I’m a somebody, an individual with any sort of significance, is just insane to me. Does anyone realize? Are they only being kind? I haven’t heard anyone say they’re proud for so long… it doesn’t even feel real. I don’t feel real. I feel like nobody. I hate this endless bullshit cycle in my head.

I feel like there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what, and I’m only learning more every day that makes me think that. Strange memories, strange thoughts, endless shit… I don’t know. I’m sure it’s all in my head, maybe none of it is real. God, what a relief it would be if none of this was real, right? Wake up to a utopian world where everything’s fine and I’m not such a pathetic piece of rot and the world is good and there’s little to no suffering and everyone I love is actually okay and I’ve actually earned/deserve their love and their praise..