Sorry for posting again. I just feel like I have today to get it all out because I’ve got to go be social tomorrow and I can’t be an emotional basketcase.
I started therapy a few months ago. I was on a whole self-improvement kick, after the failure of my relationship I wanted to know what I could do differently. My therapist hasn’t really given many suggestions but the sessions have mostly been me telling her my life story and why I’m so fucked up, and there’s a lot, so maybe she just hasn’t had time. Or maybe her role is just a sympathetic ear. I’m not sure how this is supposed to work.
She did suggest meds, but I’m very reluctant. Firstly because I work in a creative field and I think meds dull your feelings, which is why they work… but sensitivity is critical to my job. I don’t know if I could do it if I weren’t feeling so much. They turn me into a bit of a zombie. But secondly… I love recreational drugs. I love occasionally taking MDMA with friends – it doesn’t happen too often but I wouldn’t want to give up those experiences to be on antidepressants full time. And thirdly – I’m reluctant for my doctor to know I have depression, as he currently prescribes me sedatives which are really hard to get…
The question I’m too afraid to ask is: do you think some people are just doomed to be sad? I mean, a lot of people have pain or financial problems that cause them greif, but if not for that, they could be happy….
Whilst I’m afraid I will always be discontented. Every time I get everything I want, I seem to take a flamethrower to it. I swear, I’m not self destructive. Its just that the thing I thought I wanted, turns out I don’t want it any more. Maybe I’m too fickle. I get bored easily. So there’s no pleasing me anyway.
I thought a lot about this in the past year because my dear Aunt passed away. She is probably the only person like me that I know. She ran all over the world, was deported from USA for communist activities, one of the first women in oxford when they started letting women in. Fired for being a lesbian (despite not being one), ended up illegal in USA because her abusive partner took her passport… so despite being really smart, never could make money as she suffered so much discrimination. She was an amazing lady. But despite all this… I don’t want to end up like her. She had such a hard life, and it took it’s toll. I last saw her imprisoned in her little walk up flat in Paris on the 2nd floor. She had an injury and couldn’t get down the stairs. Some of her kind neighbours ran her groceries. But she lived alone… daughter was in Dublin, sometimes estranged. Even I am not her blood relative, I just call her Aunt and would see her every time I was in paris. As one gets older, it’s more dangerous to be alone. But some people, I think like me and her, are just fiercely independant, and maybe a little insufferable, and are maybe destined to be alone.
I wish I had more time for her. She always sent me funny things on facebook. I know she was lonely. Now its too late. Every time I saw her I’d get a bit more of her story…. but when someone lived like that, you will never have the whole story. They just lived too much. I don’t know all the details, but there was a lot of struggle, and a lot of burden. Too much for one person to carry.
I know this will be me one_day, which is why I want to cut through the tedious bit and just end sooner rather than later.
13 comments
Your aunt’s story hits me to the core. It’s like no matter what a remarkable, adventurous life you have, it doesn’t matter if you end up old & alone. All the struggles, the survival, what’s it all for if it ends up like that?
Back to the question if some people are doomed to be sad, I think the answer is yes. I don’t think it’s because of destiny or anything fatalistic, but I think some personality types will always be unsatisfied. That can be a good thing because it pushes people to try different things, never stagnating on one lifestyle, but as that person reaches the end of their life and possibilities dry up, only the sadness remains.
Probably not what you wanna hear, but yeah… it’s my biggest fear also. I think I read in another post that you’re a world traveller and have visited tons of places, and yet you never settled into a comfort zone. I guess you can keep searching. Perhaps we can distract ourselves & cheat the sadness by always staying on the run. That described me up til a couple years ago. oh the places I’ve seen and things I’ve done lol. But none of it would’ve lasted.
I think the only hope for people with this type of personality is to latch onto someone who will more or less force us to accept stability. Maybe that’s a copout. But it beats dying alone in a rented room.
Cheating sadness by staying on the run…. Yeah that’s me. It’s just getting tiring and pretty low on gas.
Funny you should mention personality tests. A few months ago I found out I was a ‘turbulent architect’ and the first sentence was ‘it’s lonely at the top’. Wasn’t sure how tounge in cheek it was supposed to be.
If such behaviour is tied to personality types then we’re fucked. Can’t really change personality type…
I thought I was latching onto stability when I found my ex. And it worked for a while… but I still blew it up. It felt inauthentic to stay with him. You don’t always want what’s good for you
I think if you felt the relationship was wrong then it wasn’t good for you. ‘Stability’ has a funny way of crossing into ‘stagnation’ and I’m sure that word horrifies you as much as it does me.
Maybe running forever isn’t that bad, except at the very end. But even stability sucks at the very end, right? I can’t stand the idea of seeing my loved one die. And even worse is the idea of dying first and causing them pain. Better to avoid all the trouble?
I like that ‘lonely at the top’ motto. Flip it upside down and you get ‘It’s better to reign in hell than serve in heaven’ – same thing.
okay, but counterbalance; health, or work. Short term joy, or health. Which all comes down to how sincere and committed you are to self destruction. If you want to die young, pick work and short term joy, that’s how to achieve those ends.
I never reached that point with short term joy, but I did with work. Where I am now; no work is worth making my later days on this planet more miserable. It isn’t. That’s the choice I made.
Then there’s the philosophic problem of wanting things. Humans are often conditioned to want more, not for a specific goal, just for the “more” of it. I don’t think that’s a unique problem to you, I struggle with it too. Having isn’t particularly pleasurable compared to seeking. I don’t think anyone is born knowing how to be satisfied.
I have my moments with it. What I have is enough, some of the time, if I can keep myself suitably tired. If I stay on my meds, it’s easier to be okay with… this.
I thought I’d die young that’s why I did so much and took a fair amount of risk. Never thought I’d make it past 30 but here I am…
Some people are content. Like my ex – he’s just happy generally. Part of the reason why I was with him – it was good for me to be around someone like that.
The downside is that he had no drive or motivation until he met me. He tends to be lazy and rest on his laurels a bit. There should be a happy medium somewhere…
same with me, i never thought i’d live that long. hell, even some old horoscope/palm lady told me i’d die young and have a crappy life when i was a kid- no kidding- who tells a 12 yo kid they’re going to have a miserable shit life, and have a shit love life, and that they’re going to die young??
i was so pissed off, not just at her but at everyone who told me since i was 7 yo that i would never amount of anything- hence my extreme desire to succeed and pursuing success.
we would view him as lazy, but to him, if he’s content, why do more?? i so envy that attitude. what is the point of working hard these days anyway? it’s not like you get rewarded for hard work here, at least not in the USA. i wish i could so easily be content. but it’s been drilled into me since childhood to always do more, achieve more, etc and people like me end up miserable bc nothing is ever enough. i would trade that for being a happy content lazy bum any day!
Do you know what you really want? What if you *thought* you wanted certain things, but those weren’t the things that you *needed*? Like success for example. Some people chase after that, I did (I wasn’t always sick and disabled fyi). And whatever I achieved was never enough so I aimed higher, and achieved more, but it was never enough bc for me, what I really needed was to be loved and accepted for who I am. But I’m an oddball so that was difficult. Most people aren’t on my wavelength.
Anyhow, I *thought* I wanted success. I mean I still do. I don’t want to be a useless bum. But everything I went for didn’t give me what I needed, bc I didn’t know what I truly needed.
I don’t think I’m guilty of chasing the wrong things. I never aimed too high for career success because I’m in such a competitive industry, I always felt lucky just for succeeding on any level in it. I’m working on a higher level of career now, but not due to money or status – actually because if I get more accolades, it will increase my visa options to got to different countries. I’m not ambitious per se…. It’s more about the opportunities success will give me.
What I want is to have a functional relationship. Because I know it’s good for me, I know the right person can make me a better person and I don’t want to become the jaded bitter cranky person that I turn into if left to my own devices for too long. I grew up very sour on relationships because my parents were awful… but a few years ago I decided I actually wanted to try committing. This was a huge paradigm shift for me.
Do I need it? Not really, I just know that it can make me a better person. There a selfishness that develops from being single too long. Never having to compromise or accommodate others wants. I get increasingly more rigid and set in my ways, which isn’t good
Maybe you’re someone that needs constant excitement. Or maybe it’s stability. Or fill in the blank. Usually people are unhappy because they are missing SOMETHING in their life- whether it’s true love or family or friends or SO or money or health or success or recognition, stability, excitement, purpose, a reason to live.
What is missing in your life?
or maybe someone who truly understands you?
“I’m not self destructive. Its just that the thing I thought I wanted, turns out I don’t want it any more. Maybe I’m too fickle. I get bored easily. So there’s no pleasing me anyway.”
–>You sound a lot like me when I was younger (healthy and able-bodied). I also got bored easily, fickle, could never stick with any ONE thing, once I tried or got something, I was looking for the next thing. I also moved a lot. I didn’t travel from country to country, but I traveled from state to state, city to city in the US. I moved every single year, if I stayed longer than 12mo I felt weird and had a NEED to move. I never planted roots anywhere bc I never fully belonged anywhere. It was always pack and go. On to the next adventure! The next new shiny city!
Basically that’s it. There’s a certain restlessness of spirit and when things get too comfortable I get bored.. then I get depressed. It’s easy to be that person when you’re young and healthy… but as you get older, and health problems, it worries me.
My mother has been single for 35 years. She’s 71 and in good shape. She has a good social network so I don’t have to worry about her – she has a lot of friends to help her so it’s ok for her to live alone. But that’s because she’s lived in the same city for 50 years and built a community. I move around too much to do that, so what will become of me…?
And yes. It would be nice to have someone who understands me. It’s tiring having to constantly justify myself…