Took a shower for the first time in 2 weeks. Maybe longer, can’t remember. Wish I could wash away all the rot that is me, but ah, I’m stuck with that for now. I feel like a dumbass because I can’t pull myself out of this for shit. I’ve been trying to do what I’m told to, fighting negative thoughts and things, and I’m always reminded about how it’s my choice and I have to put in the effort. And so I’ve been trying to do all that. But I’m dumb, and pathetic, and worthless, and rotten, and a coward, and a selfish asshole, and the weakest person I know, so the fight never lasts long. And it makes me feel even worse, because I know I should be doing better. But I’m weak trash. Rot that deserves to die. I’m a failure, I’m not worth being proud of or being loved. Or talked to. Or acknowledged in any kind of way. Everything sucks, everything hurts. I’m barely living.
I’ve been playing a lot of animal crossing lately. It’s a comfort, to talk to my villagers and to grow the island little by little. I dont have to try too hard for anything. All the villagers like me, and they talk to me. Much more than irl people ever give me. I even get letters from them saying that they care about me and how they all like me so much. If I feel anything good at all (during these few weeks, I mean) it’s because of that game. It’s mindless, and comforting. And something I dont get from the people who say they care. I don’t mean to make it sound super deep or anything, I know it’s just a game. Wish it wasnt just a game though.
My family’s been a menace as well, or maybe I’m just more on edge. Constant yelling and whining and arguing and slamming doors and stomping around, all mainly due to a little girl who just turned 9. It wouldn’t be like that if our dad decided to show up once in awhile, but he’s too busy with his girlfriend now, kids exist no more in his puny brain. Privacy is nonexistent, I’m constantly guilt tripped into doing things I dont feel like doing or that passes boundaries that I try time and time again to set up. No one cares. I guess that’s fine, ’cause nothing matters anyway. I just constantly think about screaming at everyone to shut up – I mean theres no need to say everything that comes to your head, you know? I sure as hell don’t. I’m probably just being an ass, as always. Oh well I guess.
I just love that I feel like I’m suffocating in my own head all the time, and like a weight is tied to my neck making me sink further into rot. I just love how no matter how loud I scream no ones gonna hear me ’cause they’re not listening. I just love that I can cry myself to sleep every night or just stare at the ceiling for hours, and waking up from constant nightmares. Maybe if I say it enough it’ll quit ’cause reverse psychology lmfao. Yeah right. It doesnt matter anyway, and I deserve it anyway.