I used to come here a lot about a decade ago. I wonder if any of the people I used to talk to are still here. It’s changed, the interface is different and all my posts seem to be deleted. In the years since I browse now and then, tried to post one but a bug in the system prevented me from doing that.
But I’m back. inevitable I guess. I guess it just makes me feel less alone. And the scream in the void and not suffer blowback.
In the past 10 years, I spent about 5 of them clawing my way out of the darkness. I had to lay off this site in that time, because while it was helpful at the start, at a certain point it became unhelpful and created drama of it’s own. Then I met a Canadian guy and for the first time in my life I thought, maybe I can have this normal happy life that everyone else seems to have. Because for the first time, I was ready for a committed relationship. There have been plenty of men, but at the ripe age of 35, at that point I decided I was ready to try a nice boring life with a nice boring guy. And he was so supportive of my depression in those early days, and that’s why I also didn’t need to come back here so often.
So I moved to Canada (from Australia). It was at that point everything went shit. Firstly, he changed. He was great in Australia because we were hanging out with all my friends, who are diverse and aware. But when we moved to canada, he reverted back into a man-child that I was essentially taking care of physically and financially. And the friends he made were… not the kind of people I normally associate with. Not necesarily biggotted, just…. really ignorant and niave. I feel that way about a lot of Canadians. I think life is too easy here so (white) Canadians have no concept of struggle. They seem really sheltered and childlike to me, and I was seeing that in my partner as well, which made me lose some respect for him. I had a really hard time finding a community in Toronto, even though it’s the biggest city, it feels like a country town and people still have that country town mentality that they’re scared of strangers and you can’t just sit in a pub and start talking to some geezer (which is how I often make friends).
Then there was a pandemic and my partner got depressed, which he had no experience with. And honestly… I wasn’t great with that. Because seeing him depressed was like seeing the worst part of me. I hate my depression, it’s pathetic and weak, and you’d think I’d have more empathy for someone suffering that since I have this experience, but it made me lose respect for him. I guess it fucked up our dynamic because he was always the emotionally strong one and I was the smart savvy one who could take care of us physically. But when he became emotionally weak, suddenly I had to provide for us both, physically, financially, and emotionally, and it was too much burden on me.
So last year I ran away. Went to visit an old friend in the UK, subconsciously I was running away because I kept extending my ticket. And I fell in love with someone in London. It was great and made me realise my relationship was not working. So I broke up with my partner. We’ve continued living together (just in separtae bedrooms) for nearly a year, so that he wouldn’t have to move in the middle of his studies. We’re still actually really great friends, and he is essentially my best friend in Canada,. But now he’s finishing uni this month and moving back to Alberta, and I’m losing my best friend who used to hold me when I had crying fits, and bring me food when I couldn’t move, and I don’t know how i will cope on my own. So I’ve been thinking more that this might be it for me. I couldn’t make it work with the world’s most easy going person, and at a certain point enough is enough. You can’t say I didn’t try – I’m 41, I’ve been to over 60 countries, I’ve done a lot…. and so maybe it’s ok to give up now. I always leave a party early (before the come down, before people get cranky and nasty) so maybe now is the time to leave the party? I think my loved ones will understand it more now than if I’d done it when I was 20. They can’t accuse me of not trying at this point.
Sorry did not mean to ramble so long. It’s been a long journey.
17 comments
A lot has happened to you. What about that person you fell in love with in the UK? Would it be worth it to continue on for him?
That’s another long story I wasn’t sure I should get into…..
He’s actually an ex from way back in 2009… it was big love but I wasn’t ready and I ran away, but we’ve been platonic friends ever since. We were talking up until earlier this year, things have been rocky, he went through stuff too, haven’t heard from him for months (previously we were texting almost every day). I can take a hint so better leave it alone, but I feel like I broke up with 2 people at the same time…
Sorry for bringing up old wounds. I hope things get better fr you.
Don’t apologise! I don’t mind talking about it, I just didn’t want to ramble too much and get tedious. It almost doesn’t hurt anymore… because there’s so much other grief I was dealing with lately (death of family, death of my relationship, housing insecurity) that I kinda don’t have much grief left over for that guy. So I guess that’s a bonus….
I’m 41, I’ve been to over 60 countries”
–>Wow! How did you manage to go to so many countries? Seriously want to know bc I want to see the world but have little money… -_-
Grew up with not much money with a thrifty mum so learned to live cheap and save any penny for the travelling fund. Lived in Britain, USA, Canada and used the opportunity to travel as much as possible in the region (you can cover a lot of countries in Europe) I backpacked, hitchhiked,couchsurfed. You can travel cheap, but ‘cheap’ is all relative
Where I lucked out is growing up in Australia. Almost free university education, so not saddled by debt like Americans. I know exactly how lucky I am, I don’t think my mum would have been able to feed and raise us in the USA, and we def couldn’t afford uni for 3 kids if it were government subsidized
i know, you don’t know how pissed i am my parent chose to immigrate to the US. had we stayed in our home country, i would have had a MUCH better life. America is NOT the “land of opportunity.” That died in 1980 with Reagan. -_-
we had CRUSHING POVERTY the moment we got here, and could not find jobs that wanted to hire immigrants, except the ones that exploited us and paid us literally a few dollars an hour- if that.
i was so pissed that we couldn’t have immigrated to at least Canada instead of the US. UGH. my life LITERALLY was ruined bc they decided to come here. we had a good upper middle income life in our home country. and now our country is doing much better than the US economically. but fuck no, we had to leave and come HERE, where the poor and middle class are routinely screwed and trampled upon.
FWIW, It sounds like you have done/tried a lot. On the plus side, you have the skills to meet people and form deep relationships. I’m at a point where I don’t think I even know how to do that anymore. When I was less depressed, I managed to find a FEW I could be friends with and was in a few meaningful relationships here and there. But now I feel “old, tired and battered” and I haven’t got anything left to try, only to fail. The last decade and half has been really difficult on me, especially the last 9 years.
Idk, it seems like you’ve done “ok” for yourself despite your depression, and have been able to form deep meaningful relationships with ppl who had loved/cared about you. And able to make good friendships. And sounds like you have loving caring family.
Those things aren’t enough apparently but they’re not nothing. I don’t have any of those things. I have difficulty getting along with ppl and forming good relationships. But you’re able to. Maybe there is someone out there for you, and you just haven’t found that person yet? I know, that sounds so cheesy. I guess maybe you’ve tried a TON of relationships and nothing has worked out well so I get what you mean.
You don’t strike me as a “failure.” You’ve had the courage to try all these years. That is something I currently lack. I quit trying after I realized how hopeless my life/my situation/my health/the world is.
I do understand what you mean about being tired and giving up though.
wow, that was a rambly comment. my brain has turned to mush so much so that i cannot construct a well written comment without being repetitive (that’s an issue i have these days).
I’m fine at making friends… just not great at keeping them. I get annoyed/bored/restless easily and people eventually start to grate on my nerves. This is a terrible quality to have. I wish I were less judgemental.
Same for partners. The last one was literally the most easy going person in the world. If I could t make it work with him I don’t think I can make it work with anyone. I accept full responsibility for this, no one else is to blame.
I know exactly how lucky I am. I never dreamed I would have a life like this considering where I started out. So I feel so ungrateful that it’s not enough…
yes I have family who love me but they’re complicated. I skipped out on them when I was 17. Living with them was not an option
I dunno. I never saw myself as a ‘failure’… no one ever believed in me but I proved them all wrong… and now I feel like I’m done? I don’t value my own life, I just wanted to prove the haters wrong so now that’s done I don’t need to keep going…?
Yes, that’s my problem too! I can make friends but hard to keep them. Also hard to make MEANINGFUL friendships that go beyond surfacey activities. Most ppl do grate on my nerves too, which is why I don’t like being around ppl much. And yes I’m also judgemental. How does one help it though? Aside from turning into a loner…
Well I guess a good start is to be aware of all our failings, which it sounds like we both are.
Now that i broke up with my ex, we’re able to talk honestly about what we did wrong. He stopped communicating at some point because he got sick of me constantly correcting him and being made to feel inadequate. But he never told me he felt that way. I took his silence as consent.
Maybe we were always wrong for each other. Maybe I need someone stronger who will challenge me more instead of keeping the peace. Unfortunately that will involve more conflict… a different set of problems…
But basically I want to not be so judgemental. I just don’t know how. I asked my therapist and she kinda drew a blank. I think maybe it helps to step outside yourself and ask how being judged would make you feel, and hopefully empathy will stop you from putting that on others?
same here, i left family when i was 17, been on my own and supported myself for a long time, unless i got hit by a car that ruined my life, but that’s another story. like you, i worked SO HARD to prove everyone wrong, bc they all told me i was a “good for nothing loser.” i actually did accomplish a lot, but unfortunately the car accident cut my “success revenge” short. i went from being successful and independent to being semi-disabled. lucky me eh?
but yes, my whole life until then was geared towards “fuck you, i’m going to show you what i can do.” but now that i’m sick and injured and fatigued, i can’t do it anymore.
“I don’t value my own life, I just wanted to prove the haters wrong so now that’s done I don’t need to keep going…?” wow, i wonder if that would be me had i not gotten injured? would i also think the same way?
edit- until* not unless
That’s tough. I’m so sorry for that one piece of bad luck that brings an avalanche of shit. And that’s the problem in USA with no safetnets around healthcare, all it takes is one accident to fuck you. I used to volunteer at homeless shelters in NyC and that was a lot of their stories…
My question, before the accident, you were ‘successful’ (whatever that means) were you happy then?
holy shit, one_day!! I never thought I would hear from you again. I remember when you, Morris and scar504 were all the rage. I remember your short stories and I believe you made a vlog style video of yourself at one point. Woww it’s been a hot minute! You are remembered and you are loved!
Oh wow! I don’t know if it’s good or bad to see you here… regardless it makes me smile. Nostalgia? Thankyou 🙂