I never thought I’d be this alone when I was young. I encountered plenty of people who lived on their own, who relied on occasional visits from relatives to provide them with social contact, but it never occurred to me that that would be me. I suppose I lived in a pretty sheltered bubble for most of my childhood. I never learned that you had to work in order to get people in your life, in order to build worthwhile relationships. I was able to live with the delusion that things like that would just come to me. I never had to struggle or work for anything for the first 9 years of my life. Why would it be any different afterwards?
I never really learned how to build friendships. I just accepted what other people offered me, even if I didn’t really like them. I never risked anything, or made an effort. I don’t know if it was selfishness, or narcissism, or laziness, or fear of rejection. But those friendships of convenience dropped away over the years, and I made no efforts to replace them.
And now I’ve been alone so long that I’m not sure I could, even if I tried. I don’t know how to act normal around people. I’ve never learned the myriad social cues that most people do without even thinking. I’ve developed idiosyncratic ways of talking and thinking. I’m weird, awkward, I make people feel uncomfortable.
I feel so much sadness about what I made of my life. And the future seems so hopeless. I would give a lot to recapture the feeling I had as a child, of being part of a tribe, a pack, surrounded by people who care for you, not having to constantly worry about what they think of you. The freedom of that, to be able to relax around others and just enjoy life, was something I never really appreciated until long after it had faded.
4 comments
you could try and see how it goes?
obviously trying might result in failure so trying isn’t without “risk”
I could try, and I should. But the fear of social situations is so strong, and it requires so much effort to deal with it. And I’m pretty low on energy.
I would be of the opinion you are overestimating others and underestimating yourself. I was once extremely shy and I snapped out by seeing what ppl are really like namely – they don’t care and are riddled with imperfections just like me. I don’t think its too late for you.
You may be right, but it’s so hard to tell. This intense self-consciousness in me is so ingrained that it’s like I see the rest of this world as this potentially hostile force, who I have to hide any signs of weakness from.
Rationally, from a distance, I know that most people don’t really give a shit, even if you are acting odd around them. But when I’m actually in the grip of it, it feels I’m walking a tightrope, and any negative perception by others could lead to a disaster. Maybe I need to try therapy again, I don’t know, but I don’t really have the money.