Why do I keep myself alive? One of two things happens. Either I try something, end up in a psych ward, get released to impossible medical bills Ill never afford because of the psych ward stay, get depressed all over again and cycle endlessly through all of that. -OR- I just sit with everything miserably and fight it through to the natural end of my life just so that everyone else doesnt have to suffer as I have.
I have just fucked everything in my life up. I had no sense in high school that I was supposed to be building someone in myself, and so didnt bother to apply to colleges. It wasnt even a concern for me. I spent so much time coping with self-hatred back then that college didnt even show up on my mental radar. 18-27 was nothing but drugs, alcohol, and debauchery. A complete waste of time. At 27 I got sober and got myself in college finally, but I didnt fit in socially. People pissed me off enough to do something that earned me a spot in prison (my own fault). I didnt do well in prison.
Since Ive gotten out, its as if nothing matters anymore. All potential dreams and pathways to happiness are blocked by a felony record. Every apartment place I call wont allow me in because of the felony. I cant get back into college because of my felony. I cant get state licensure because of my felony. Hell, I got fired from fucking Taco Bell because of my felony! If it were up to me, I’d be a research scientist. Id want to study abiogenesis. But that path is forever locked away from me all because of a felony record.
Sometimes I wonder what the point was of even letting me out of Prison. In a lot of ways, they havent.
Im recently married, but considering divorce because my wife just wont have sex with me. Not even on our wedding night. I cant remember the last time, its been months and months. Ive talked to her about it and expressed my frustrations. No changes. No efforts.
Even by my own standards, Im not a very likable character. Im a scumbag, really. There isnt much thats good about me. My entire life has amounted to one big waste. Im not happy, and it seems as though my life isnt worth much to society anyway. If it was, maybe theyd let me improve.
Why? Why do I keep myself alive? Why do I continue to live a fucked up life, despite the repetition of actions & outcomes, of hopeful attempts to move forward just to hit walls I cant overcome? Of comtemplating suicide just to tell myself, “no dont do it. It will hurt so and so, and if I fail its just a bigger mess to clean up,”? I wonder if my Wife loves me, and even worse, I have begun to wonder if I love my Wife.
If I decide to try this time, I have to make sure I absolutely, 100% die. There has to be certainty. As big of a certainty as is possible, at least.
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A word of caution: I set my phone down to go to the store for alcohol. While I was away, my wife picked up my phone and read this whole thing. Now there’s problems and hurting.
Be Careful
well it sounds like you can collapse a few of the issues I have; namely whether it’s worth chasing a career. From this, that appears to be a dead end. So you could look at disability, then try to find something fulfilling to do with your time. I suggest gardening, something very soothing about putting plants in soil.
Of course it might be an illusion from where I sit, I’m tortured with too many options. If there was a way I could collapse them into less, that’d be a relief.
Sorry ’bout your wife reading it, that’s no fun for anyone.
I had a follow up thought; Victor Salva, have you heard of him? Guy has a felony child abuse conviction, about as bad as it gets, but he made Jeepers Creepers (as well as two more movies in the series)…. the guy still gets work. So maybe that’s the answer; make something so amazing that people don’t give a damn where it comes from
I also had the thought that you might be Victor Salva, but the actual chances of that have got to be low. If you are though, horror icon with a dark past, guy owns it, and I have to respect that
Victor salva got a free pass because in hollywood, pedophiles protect other pedophiles. And most people in hollywood come from extreme privelidge. It’s unrealistic to think that the rest of us can play by the same rules.
Nice attempt. Whether it will work depends if your wife is smart enough. It might even backfire.
What are you talking about, exactly?
I’m sorry about the felony. The system is not set up to let you overcome that, even if you served your time.
Regarding your wife – you only talk about the sex, but I’m sure there’s deeper problems which contribute to the lack of sex, and maybe focusing on the sex stops you from looking at them. Anyway, there must have been a reason they married you in the first place. Is that worth salvaging?