I stayed alive these years for my daughter’s sake. Last time I was here she was about 13. Now she’s 22. I just learned she has recently made some really fucked up decisions ~ and she’s certainly entitled to. But the lies and the deception ~ and the lengths she’s willing to go ~ blow my mind. And her nonchalance when confronted made my blood run cold. I don’t know this person. I don’t recognize her at all. It’s possible she has no conscience. I’m not sticking around to find out. I’ll put my affairs in order, figure out what to do with the cats, and grab the necessary supplies.
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I’m not familiar with the situation, but is it possible you’ve been looking for a reason to exit? Could your perception have twisted this into a sort of depressive wish fulfillment?
Granted; if you have been that depressed, the pain must be immense, and I don’t think anyone could fairly blame you for taking your exit
It would be tragic, from where I sit, if you took flight and it turns out your daughter needed you, or this is a phase for her. The early years of adulthood can be insanely rough, most people are still figuring out who they are.
On the other hand you could pull up and things not get better, and that would be painful in a different way. Dashed hopes are the worst. So, factor that in.
It’s been manageable. If she had just made some poor decisions, then that’s part of young adult life and parents have to watch nervously from the sidelines until they’re called in to help or the young person figures out how to handle it. Up until this happened I believed her to be close with both her dad and me. Now, I’m afraid, she’s a total player and I’ve been taken for an asshole. Her father and I wouldn’t make a move without considering how she’d be affected. But if she’s as amoral as she seems, I’m free because there’s no fixing amoral.
Ah, I see. Having read some of your other replies, that’s understandable. I have a weakness/blind spot regarding lost/broken things, I’m always going to want to polish them back up, have them be at their full glory. It’s not always possible.
I can say I’m sympathetic, for multiple reasons. I flunked out of school once myself, when I was just out of high school. I wasn’t ready for college. Not that anyone could tell me that at the time. The current job market is particularly brutal, I can’t say I have the courage to face it.
so that’s all to say maybe she’s taking all this harder than it appears, and doesn’t know how to share it. maybe not! I don’t think you owe her anything, as far as that goes. Maybe she’s a bad apple, loath I am to even think that a purely bad apple is possible… I can understand reaching your limit with someone, even family, but then I go into sometimes you have to pull back to be good to yourself, and that isn’t quite what we were discussing.
ah, I can’t talk anyone into anything. I wanted to share that I had thought a bit more about it, and I did, so that’s a thing. I’m sorry you’re going through it.
As to her needing me after my death, she’ll get more mileage from people feeling sorry for her, which she’ll milk to the last drop.
What did she do? Is she lying and stealing?
Lying. Not stealing, to my knowledge. But there’s nothing for her to steal because she’s an only child who has her two older parents wrapped around her little finger. Broadway shows, opera at the Met, sporting events, trips to Europe, the Middle East, and the Caribbean, all expense paid education to study whatever she wants, clothes, makeup…my stuff comes from Ocean State Job Lot. And we were happy to do it.
Sounds spoilt. Giving kids everything they want is a mistake.
hey I’m really sorry this happened. I don’t have kids but I can imagine it’s horrible to see your pride & joy turn out to be a rotten apple. Part of me wants to insist that it’s never too late for a person to turn around, but then what you said rings true: there’s no fixing amoral.
Is she truly that far gone, though? I would say if she was a normal kid earlier, or at least having some goodness in her, then this amoral phase is just the result of bad associations and poor life choices which many many people make in their late teens & early 20s. Could it be that? Especially if drugs are involved, that can totally rewire a person’s very soul.
In any case I hope you can hold on, keep trying.. maybe brainstorm with her father on how you can do things differently, even consult child psychologists on her behalf. I would try to give her until at least age 25 because that’s the age when the brain stops growing, they say. Meaning, everything up until then is in flux. It’s a longshot, but I hope you find the strength to keep trying. It sounds like you’ve been a great parent so far, you can’t throw that away just yet
I don’t know what happened. I don’t think she’s doing drugs, but you never know. She was born on third base ~ brains, beauty, natural talent at several things, and two parents who gave her their attention and were happy to spend their disposable income on her. She’s well aware of her accidental luck ~ she sees her friends’ circumstances and has often told us how grateful she is. Now it seems she’s been blowing smoke up our collective ass.
That’s awful. I would definitely suspect drugs, or even casual alcohol as the culprit for the change. I say this because I was an alcoholic and it made me an entirely different (bad) person. Whatever the cause is, I hope for your sake as well as hers & others in her life that she can get back on track. Have you tried the ‘tough love’ approach (i.e. cutting off all money, gifts, etc) to wake her up to reality?
She flunked out this semester. The first time there was a reasonable explanation and we were kind, supportive, understanding, and worried. The second time, we were concerned, patient, and pragmatic. This time I lost my fucking mind, not so much because of her non-grades but the deception and her unethical conduct ~ which let me see how manipulative she is. If she needs a 12-step group, she knows all about them. She’s been to plenty of meetings with me. I’ve got 33 years sober, which I’m reconsidering. She said she intends to get a job. When we said, “Fine, because we’re not paying for school. And you need to get health insurance because Dad’s policy won’t cover you if you’re not in school, and your student loan will become due this fall,” she acted as if she were surprised. She may very well have been surprised. I have no clue what’s going on in her head or with her character. But I don’t have to live another day for her sake and I’m not going to be exploited by her. She’ll be fine ~ she’ll inherit the house and there will be one fewer person who knows the truth about her.