I figured it out. I think I have a spending addiction. Not because I can afford it, but because my brain just doesn’t work the same anymore. I think I am in serious trouble. I think I can no longer be alone. I think while my privacy was super important to me I may have to sacrifice it for a little. In order to get better. I think my mind has been affected by the physical changes in my brain. I dislike myself at the moment. I don’t really want to be around people, i don’t really want to make changes, but i think it’s necessary. For the record I think mental illness has definitely ruined my life in ways I cannot even begin to explain. Sometimes it’s been a blessing don’t get me wrong. But the reality is that i almost killed myself due to depression. While the depression was developing, my psyche was declining so i was a complete idiot at work. Then while in the psych ward, after attempting suicide we discovered that my thought patterns were not normal, far from it actually. I used to be decent at saving and at money issues. But I have a compulsion to spend now a days. And it’s mostly food. I honestly do not know what to do. My life is in Shambles. Someone in my family is kinda helping out. BUT that only goes so far if I can’t get it together. I kinda want to die because it seems like I’m just not good enough. I never seem to quite make it. Even in my schizophrenic delusions I ended up having visions where i just never made it. I was either not Smart enough, not old enough, not strong enough, not powerful enough, not tactical enough. It’s like I’m NEVER good enough and that fiction. Imagine reality. I want peace. But I’m a mentally ill, slow person. I’m so sad right now.
I’m sorry that you don’t feel good enough. I know the feeling. Like you just feel like you’re incapable of existing properly. I hope you’re able to gain more control. Or at least work out something so somebody can help you. I don’t know what it’s like to have schizophrenia, but I hope you are able to find peace regardless of it.
I think I understand the compulsion to spend. idk if it’s this way for you, but for me it’s like I’ve finally accepted that my life is over so there’s no point in saving money. so I spend it rather than let it waste. I sure as hell don’t have anyone I’d want to save it for. (yes even ‘charities’ have failed me)
Spending money was my go to for years. It gave me a high and a false sense of well being. After two bankruptcies and years of regular therapy I now buy what I need mostly and that according to budget. Wants are purchased too but sparingly and even that after some delayed gratification and/or searching for a good deal. I love it because now I can control it. I do like control. I can even save a little most months.