Idiotic Addiction

I figured it out. I think I have a spending addiction. Not because I can afford it, but because my brain just doesn’t work the same anymore. I think I am in serious trouble. I think I can no longer be alone. I think while my privacy was super important to me I may have to sacrifice it for a little. In order to get better. I think my mind has been affected by the physical changes in my brain. I dislike myself at the moment. I don’t really want to be around people, i don’t really want to make changes, but i think it’s necessary. For the record I think mental illness has definitely ruined my life in ways I cannot even begin to explain. Sometimes it’s been a blessing don’t get me wrong. But the reality is that i almost killed myself due to depression. While the depression was developing, my psyche was declining so i was a complete idiot at work. Then while in the psych ward, after attempting suicide we discovered that my thought patterns were not normal, far from it actually. I used to be decent at saving and at money issues. But I have a compulsion to spend now a days. And it’s mostly food. I honestly do not know what to do. My life is in Shambles. Someone in my family is kinda helping out. BUT that only goes so far if I can’t get it together. I kinda want to die because it seems like I’m just not good enough. I never seem to quite make it. Even in my schizophrenic delusions I ended up having visions where i just never made it. I was either not Smart enough, not old enough, not strong enough, not powerful enough, not tactical enough. It’s like I’m NEVER good enough and that fiction. Imagine reality. I want peace. But I’m a mentally ill, slow person. I’m so sad right now.