I need to just accept the fact that I have been very selfish. Whether or not I’ve let it be known to others doesn’t matter, I’ve been nothing but a selfish pile of disgusting rot.
Essentially, I mean in wanting – even expecting, to be talked to and paid attention to so much. I very rarely let this on to anyone, because I know it’s wrong, I am not entitled or deserving of any love or attention. My partner has barely spoken for 2 months now, and today all of a sudden after about 8 days they said they loved me. I was feeling alone. Left out, I guess, because they’ve suddenly stopped speaking to me again. Knowing the issues. Knowing why. Yet I wanted them to talk anyway. I guess it’s fine to want that in a sense, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m horrible and selfish. I’m not entitled to be talked to. I don’t deserve to be talked to. I’m probably just a drain on their lives, because I know they always end up feeling bad when they don’t talk to me. It just makes me feel like I’m not worth talking to, because everyone in my life does that. Just seemingly ditching me at any given moment. I’m very lonely. But I deserve that loneliness. I deserve any pain. I don’t deserve to cry over this. It’s all my fault. I’m scummy and horrible and selfish. And yet my mind will still argue, saying “but you just want to be talked to, or at least given a notice if they don’t want you to talk to them!” but it’s wrong. I should leave people alone. In this I’ve made myself more rotten and selfish, without even realizing it. Because I was wanting to be paid attention to. Instead of seeing the real issues and trying to actually make myself useful. To help. I guess deep down I knew I couldn’t help anyway. But that doesn’t mean I should get to talk and ask for help either. Or complain as much as I do. I don’t know whether to give space or continue checking in, because it could go bad both ways. I shouldn’t have ever let anything get this far. My existence is only hurting people more. I’m hurting him/her/them more. And in that I deserve nothing but shit. Maybe no one realizes. They all probably do. I’ve probably made them feel like complete shit. Because that’s all I do. I’m so horrible. I’m rotten. Nothing but pathetic rot. I deserve to die. I don’t deserve to be talked to.
If by some horrible case my friends or partner would find this site, and find this stupid post, know that I am sorry. I can’t even remember if I’ve let much on about this, but it doesn’t matter, because the thoughts are still there. You all deserve better than this. Better than me. Every one of you suffer through life enough and my life is nothing but an inconvenience at this point. Yet you consider me as a friend/partner. I’ll never understand. Guilt eats at me knowing this, but its deserved guilt. Maybe you guys will get lucky, you 2 where I’m living right now might never have to see my pathetic face again. And for you… well, even if it’s been years, I understand if you don’t want to see me now. I’ll love you always.
I’ve been nothing but horrible and selfish. I’m sorry.
but, hurting yourself hurts those who care about you. It seems counter intuitive, but all the self isolation and self abuse tends to spill over to others. One of my closest friends is of a similar mindset, a few days ago our friendgroup had to come together to pull him out of a destructive downward spiral. Which isn’t the problem, we were glad to help him. The problem is he doesn’t believe us when we say that we love him.
Everyone is self interested, selfish, it’s how they act on it. If the way you are acting on it makes you feel shame, the answer is to find a way to tend those needs that doesn’t bring you shame. but stuffing your feelings, trying to hide and run away doesn’t work. Trust me on this, I’ve tried. They come back worse, which is what it sounds like is happening to you.
not that I exactly have the formula for clean or healthy living. Just that I know that being honest with yourself about how you feel is part of it.
the way I think about it makes me feel shame. for the most part, I dont do much about it. at most I’ll tell whoever it is I just worry and want to hear from them from time to time. that’s it. but it’s the thoughts that are selfish. yet I cant make them go away. I’m just being dumb. I dont know what to do or say. I dont know how to bring it up without hurting anyone. the thing is, I’m probably in the wrong/toxic one in the first place, but I never know anymore. I cant trust myself with anything and I hate myself.
this might not help, but your friends and partners should be talking to you. i’m not sure how your situation is, but really, it’s natural and normal to want attention from people close to you. humans are social creatures. it’s normal to want attention, and it’s okay