I can’t sleep. I’m at my friend’s house – she’s been asleep since 8:00 which is wild to me. No hate to her, I’ve just become more nocturnal by the night. I’m glad we got to hang out for a bit. I’m also glad I got out of the house for awhile – I get out of babysitting for a night at least. I’ve been watching YouTube, listening to music and drawing to keep myself busy until I get tired. I feel more comfortable here, I feel liked, I guess, and not just needed to help with my sisters all the time and being stuck at home. I shouldn’t let it go too far – I’m already a bit of a selfish prick – but it’s still nice. People actually respond to me when I talk, unlike with my dad. I’m also worried, though, that I’m just being pitied, as always, and truly unable to be liked because my personality sucks ass. Overthinking again, I guess. The hardest part is trying to find out which thoughts are the facts and which ones aren’t. It’s all riddled and blurred in my head. I wonder if my friend is tired of me. I can’t help but feel like everyone is just sick and tired of me and want me to leave them alone. But hell, I don’t know.
Ever since I was a kid I just felt like a huge inconvenience… well, technically I guess I could still be considered a kid. I’ve not grown up, I guess, like I’ve just been stunted in this mental state. People like my dad just expect me to do all these adult things with no teaching at all whatsoever. I’m just…supposed to figure it out. And my dad specifically, gets mad when I don’t have certain things done. Hell, he even gets mad when HE needs to do a part to get one of my tasks done, even though he’s never around ever and he doesn’t even fucking care. All he gives a shit about is his god damn cows, or his whatever work he finds, or his girlfriend. Not hating on her, of course, I’m just saying. We’re (sisters and I) never gonna be a priority to him. Every chance he gets he leaves me with my 2nd younger sister, who special needs, to take care of while he does whatever the fuck he does. He’s just thrown us at his parents for us to be raised, and he fucked off. When I move, he’ll be in for a rude awakening, I think, especially ’cause our grandparents are getting older and grandpa will be getting a knee surgery soon. I might have to stay to help, because he might just do nothing and make grandpa do it all while I’m gone. My god, he pisses me off so much sometimes. It just rubs it in that he doesn’t care, like most if not all people.
On another note… I’m fine, I guess. As fine as I can be. Nights are hard, it helps when my friend’s awake where we can laugh and fuck around, and I can keep my mind on other things. I feel so incredibly undeserving of it. I know someone commented on one of my posts that I’m not a horrible creature (Divine, I think – which, thank you, by the way, you’re very kind), but my god I definitely feel like one. I don’t even feel human – I feel like a creature that lives in the muck. My nickname for the creature, of course, “the rot”. Fuck’s sake, I don’t know. This always happens, my mind just races and races. Ah… it’s fine. I just needed a place to rant and complain again, as per usual. Hey, at least I don’t bother my friend about it anymore, so maybe I can still be somewhat likeable and she won’t feel the need to worry or feel bad if she doesn’t help, or something. I wish I wasn’t such a piece of shit. I wish I could grab my brain from my skull and tell it to shut up lmao.
Sorry for rambling and complaining so much all the time.