My life is a complete mess, and I don’t know how to fix it. I suffer immensely, and have suicidal daydreams often. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Not because of fear, but because I can’t bring myself to do that to the people who care about me. I’m not really growing as a person. I make attempts–applying to volunteer at homeless shelters, even recently the suicide hotline (maybe that was a bad idea, I can hardly help myself), and I’d love to go back to school if I could. My stupid criminal history gets in the way. I do my best and make honest efforts to be a better person, and I just keep getting rejected time and again. It’s frustrating! Sometimes I wonder why they even bothered to let me out of prison, since it seems, for all the work I’m trying to do, my efforts are futile. I did this to myself though, and this suffering of mine probably comes much to the delight of those who like watching people like me get their just desserts. Because according to them, we never change. Once a criminal, always a criminal. I feel like the scum of the earth, and I don’t want to be. I just dont understand how people expect me to progress when it’s nothing but barrier after barrier.
I just dont know what to fucking do anymore. I’m trying to fix things, but not getting anywhere. I guess for now I’ll just keep trying.
18 comments
“Sometimes I wonder why they even bothered to let me out of prison, since it seems, for all the work I’m trying to do, my efforts are futile.”
–>Bc we have a Prison Industrial Complex (PIC) in the US. Private companies profit from imprisoning ppl so all the laws and systems are in place to cram ppl into prisons. Prisons in the US are all designed for 2 things- maximum profit for the owners of the prisons (and it is a HUGE industry, look it up), and for punishment.
There is no rehabilitation. Not in the USA. Take a look at other country’s prison system- like the Scandinavian system. I forget which country exactly I watched a documentary on them (likely Denmark or Sweden). Their prisons don’t even have locks or gates on them! The prisoners- some are murderers- can just freely walk out and leave if they wanted to- but they don’t. Why? Bc prison in those countries are actually about rehabilitation. They get treated like human beings and are taught skills- not just job skills for after they leave but skills on how to deal with life, anger, etc.
Compare how they treat their prisoners and how America treats our prisoners. Hell, watching that documentary, they treat their prisoners BETTER than we treat our law-abiding citizens who work FT and yet barely make ends meet. Or law-abiding citizens who run into cops and get thrown into jail despite having committed no crime (other than not treating cops like gods or talking back or refusing to hand over ID etc).
The WHOLE legal/criminal system is so fucked up in the US- and all done on purpose. And yes, these ppl PURPOSELY make it difficult for ppl with criminal pasts to turn their lives over and live a crime free of crime.
On the one hand, you can’t blame private businesses for not wanting to hire ppl with a criminal history. On the other hand, there should exist ways to allow ppl who are released to work and live and honest life.
Anyway, if you haven’t watched documentaries on the prison systems in other countries, you should definitely watch. The Scandinavian model is insane! Most countries prison’s are so punitive. Theirs is about working with the individual to turn their life around. And showing them compassion and kindness. And it surprisingly works.
Not saying it would work in the USA bc we have much deeper problems than just the PIC, not when we also treat law-abiding poor working ppl lower than dirt and screw them over continuously too.
With all that said, perhaps look into jobs that don’t require background checks? Say, become a YouTuber, or work online?
Do they not allow ppl with criminal background in school? Maybe try online schooling? I know it’s not the same but you can only do what you’re legally allowed to do.
They allow people with criminal histories in school, but you won’t get federal financial aid, and the careers I’d apply often do not hire felons. It’s not that I can’t go to school, it’s that it’s sort of a waste of time because no one would hire me anyway.
right, which is why you’d have to go for non-traditional jobs, something that doesn’t require background checks.
i get what you’re trying to say. you’re limited as to what you can do based on what jobs you can get. the only way around it is to get non traditional jobs. the traditional jobs you can get is going to be beneath your capabilities, as you sound intelligent.
I had considered that, and have been writing a book on psychological combat within debate contexts. We’ll see how that goes.
I dont want to be a YouTuber for the same reason I don’t want to be a doctor or a commercial fisherman–I wouldn’t be happy, and I care more about that than money. I already have a job that pays well for having a felony, and I am grateful for that beyond words. I’m lucky to be there. But since I don’t have any genuine interest in what I do, my days seem very gray.
I would’ve liked to have been an Entomologist, or an Embyologist. Who knows though–maybe this book thing will work out. I’m hesitant to get my hopes up, but on the other hand, I guess there’s not much else.
I lament being unable to do what I’d like to do. Too many are blessed with that opportunity, but nevertheless choose to squander it. (Or, you know, there are things like mental health getting in the way).
Anyway. I appreciate your efforts and suggestions. Maybe I’ll invest more time into writing that book.
well, if it makes you feel any better, schools are a waste of time anyway, as well as a waste of tens of thousands of dollars. and this is coming from someone who excelled academically -_-
that’s funny, i had typed “write a book” but then didn’t post it bc i figured you didn’t want suggestions as you’ve probably already made a list
It makes me sick the way people who commit crimes are treated. It’s so awful, and the research is there to back up that the deterent element claimed by people advocating for it to be so punitive is utter BS. People aren’t statistically less likely to commit crimes because of the severity of sentence.
But it’s worse what we do to former prisoners. You served your time, that should be enough. Maybe a little less for sex crime, but I don’t see you trying to work with kids, no offense.
*sigh* I’m not in a good place regarding education. I keep getting emails about repaying my loans and instantly I react; “I was lied to, told that success in school accounted to something economically. It doesn’t.”
but you deserve the oppertunity to experience university and all that comes with it. It’s the same thing I say about marriage equality; if people of differing identification want to find out what it’s like to be legally married, more power to them.
I do wonder where the organizations trying to fix this are at, in terms of progress. What you’re describing is exactly why recidivism is such a big issue. We don’t let ex cons succeed, and that sets them up to return to crime more often than not. You’re doing better than average, keeping your nose clean, and instead of rewarding that it seems like you’re being punished.
That would be the path I would chase, were I you; finding organizations trying to help ex cons turn their lives around. Any alliance has got to help. Depending on circumstances they can either help find pre approved employers (I think it’s called “fair chance employers”, it’s required for all federal contractors now), or help you find ways to market your skills that allows you to succeed.
again, not in a good place vis a vi the current economy, but anyone who wants to sign up for it deserves the right to experiencing it the same as anyone else.
Oh! There are also ex con owned businesses that make an active effort to recruit from that labor pool. The one I know of is a janitorial business, not the best option I know, but that they exist at all has to count for something.
““I was lied to, told that success in school accounted to something economically. It doesn’t.””
We’ve all been lied to. It’s disgusting to think of all the time wasted doing well in school, and not just at uni. all that studying, all the useless papers. all the propaganda and lies perpetrated by the good ol’ education system. all that time and wasted effort i can’t get back. and yes, i am incredibly bitter about that.
““I was lied to, told that success in school accounted to something economically. It doesn’t.””
We’ve all been lied to. It’s disgusting to think of all the time wasted doing well in school, and not just at uni. all that studying, all the useless papers. all the propaganda and lies perpetrated by the good ol’ education system. all that time and wasted effort i can’t get back. and yes, i am incredibly bitter about that.
@heartlessviking I appreciate your words, thank you. Not that you suggested it, but I want to make it clear that my crime wasn’t a sex crime, a drug crime, or gang-related. I made threats with a weapon that I ultimately decided not to follow through with (it was a knife).
I’m actually already somewhat college-educated. I didn’t complete college because of what I did. I have certifications in some areas of stationary power engineering that I cannot utilize because of my felony. I was planning on dropping this for a completely different career path, because my original path wasn’t what I imagined it’d be like and I became unhappy with it. If I could, I’d go back to school for something science-related, since I’ve found that’s where my passions truly are.
At the moment, I have a job fixing various things for a hotel. It’s not my favorite thing (especially when toilets are broken), but it pays the bills.
All I want is to build a happy life for myself, and right now, I’m not all that happy. I want to contribute to my community, do something I actually love doing, and at least make enough money to make into a middle-class status.
I’m writing a book though, so who knows.
There are so many things I’d change about our current system. Providing the person applying isn’t a sex offender or a murderer etc., I think a probationary period for those seeking jobs would help. Part of the problem is that I cannot prove that I’m trustworthy without being given the opportunity to demonstrate that. I believe if employers gave people like me something like a month to prove ourselves, this would help drastically. Who I used to be has nothing to do with who I am today, and I suspect this is the case for a lot of people.
I definitely will look into organizations, as suggested.
Thank you especially for your empathy. That means more to me than I can describe using words. You too, EternalDarkness.
I’ll add that, having lived with murderers, rapists, and the like, that people commit crimes either because they’re psychopaths, because of poverty, of because of how other people have treated them in their lives. I fall into that last category.
your original crime didn’t seem that bad (provided it was meant for self infliction and not upon others). yes, i’ve watched a bunch of documentaries on killers in the past and it seems like the majority of the ppl started out like you said, bc of poverty or come from broken families, broken lives, etc. They get no help, so they turn to a life of crime. Then when they get put into prison and back out, they have no way of sustaining a lawful life, not unless they have family or someone to help them out, which many do not and never had to begin with. And they go back to a life of crime bc they have no way of supporting themselves lawfully.
Which is why the Denmark model of prison is focused on rehabilitation and treating these people as human beings, so that they do not go back and continue to commit these crimes. And providing ex-cons with resources to start them off. It’s insane how the inmates (some of them murderers) at those prisons can LITERALLY walk off the premises if they wanted to- they have no locks or gates to keep them in- but NONE of the prisoners want to leave.
they serve their time, come out, and recidivism is very low in those countries that adopt a human and humane approach to convicts. Now, with that said, it’s not feasible here in the US and will never happen here bc even law-abiding poor citizens get treated like crap here, let alone felons.
There was one story of this murderer in the US- don’t remember the guy’s name- he wrote a journal, like a biography, and gave it to a staff in the jail/prison, to a guy who actually treated him as a human being. That staff had it published. Some of the things he wrote was so sad, bc it detailed the life he had to endure (rape/pedo) as a kid, being sent to 1 abusive foster family to another abusive foster family. He knew what he did was wrong, but it’s also not unfathomable as to how he got there. And he talked about the prison system and how it only made him MORE angry and bitter at the system, rather than making him feel like turning a new leaf. I think he wanted the death penalty.
How they become murderers is kinda understandable given how most of them were abused as kids. What I don’t like is how most become women killers or rapists, bc women are weaker and obviously easier to kill or rape than men. Idk if the journal guy killed women or men or both, but most of the serial killers kill women. Yes, men get killed too, and ofc there are female serial killers, but by far, by miles, women are almost always the victims of these serial killers, simply bc we’re weaker and much easier to kill.
I wish these killers would go after the ppl who abused them, but many of them don’t. They go after ppl who are smaller and weaker than them, rather than go kill the assholes that turned them into monsters.
anyhow, yeah, my empathy stems from watching these documentaries and seeing how many of them had awful beginnings in life and had horrible things done to them. some you feel really sorry for, while others are just plain evil.
while i don’t agree with them murdering anyone obviously, i can totally see how someone can get to that point.
which is also a big reason why i refuse to believe the bs when ppl say “the world is a great place, people are good, you just have to think happy and not think the world is such an awful place” blah blah. it’s bs bc i *know* how shitty the world is. the ppl who say “think positive thoughts and good things will happen to you” have NEVER seen the ugly side of life on Earth, and have never been in the shoes of someone who’s had an abusive or vile upbringing.
anyhow, i kinda resent ppl who’ve never experienced real pain or adversity bc these ppl think “life is so easy” or “life is good” bc it was easy and good for them.