My life is a complete mess, and I don’t know how to fix it. I suffer immensely, and have suicidal daydreams often. But I can’t bring myself to do it. Not because of fear, but because I can’t bring myself to do that to the people who care about me. I’m not really growing as a person. I make attempts–applying to volunteer at homeless shelters, even recently the suicide hotline (maybe that was a bad idea, I can hardly help myself), and I’d love to go back to school if I could. My stupid criminal history gets in the way. I do my best and make honest efforts to be a better person, and I just keep getting rejected time and again. It’s frustrating! Sometimes I wonder why they even bothered to let me out of prison, since it seems, for all the work I’m trying to do, my efforts are futile. I did this to myself though, and this suffering of mine probably comes much to the delight of those who like watching people like me get their just desserts. Because according to them, we never change. Once a criminal, always a criminal. I feel like the scum of the earth, and I don’t want to be. I just dont understand how people expect me to progress when it’s nothing but barrier after barrier.
I just dont know what to fucking do anymore. I’m trying to fix things, but not getting anywhere. I guess for now I’ll just keep trying.