Before the wall cracked, I made decisions like Dr. Spock- I was very analytical and logical- and made decisions that made the most sense. Like for ex, which University to go to given my lack of money, lack of parental support of any kind, and What I should major in, and etc. It turned out that all decisions made were all “bad” decisions in the end- not “bad” as in I stupidly did stupid things, but “zigged” instead of “zagged”- albeit most were unbeknownst to me that it would turn out bad.
It made sense to major in Finance/Business, even though my heart was in science. But I couldn’t afford to go to the private school I wanted- OFC I got in- my grades were good- but I was not given much financial aid. I didn’t think it would be wise to have so much debt, especially since I do not have parents who would help and I needed a job and a place to live as soon as I graduated. So I gave up my dream of going to the school I wanted to study the field I wanted- even though I knew it was a new hot field that was going to explode. And explode it did, only I was not in that burgeoning field.
Why? Bc I had made the “sensible” decision to go in Finance/Business, and then as “luck” would have it, 9-11 happened, literally THREE months before I graduated. Graduating into a recession equals $1M LESS income over one’s lifetime. So lucky me. And ALL the finance jobs and offers fucking disappeared overnight, or were rescinded. The FEW offers that were available paid shit.
Anyhow, through sheer determination, I finally found a job in finance in a prestigious place. BUT it turned out it would suck my soul out. I HATED the ppl in that field. Backstabbing cretins. I fit in better with nerdy bookworms, which would have been the field I wanted to go in. OH and yes, that field DID explode (genetic engineering), and I would have been worth SO much had I gone- ESP since I was minority and female in STEM who happened to be also very smart academically. And no, things like “affirmative action” FUCKED me over. It’s a shitty fucking program that helps only 1-2 races at the expense of EVERY other race, and promotes skin color rather than intelligence or academic ability or the best qualified person to be given the spot. Do you want a dr who was admitted bc s/he is the “right color” vs the most qualified person?
Anyhow, rant aside, I chose the logical route of going to a State University instead of the expensive private university bc of $$$. It made more logical sense. But it also meant I couldn’t major in genetic engineering. And changed the trajectory of my career and life.
Long-winded example, I know, but it was all these “logical” decisions I made that just didn’t pan out. Didn’t work out at all. Would have been better if I was one of those passion-driven artist types that just go with what they “feel” and “want to do.” Then I would have pursued the field I wanted, gone to the Uni I wanted, and massive student debt be damned. But I would have had a good, high-paying career in that field. And I was GOOD at that shit too. And it was certainly more exciting to me than soul-sucking finance (didn’t know it would be soul-sucking until AFTER I graduated and started working).
Anyhow, fast forward to the last decade- I still made decisions that were logical and made the most sense, but bc I now am a very emotional person, my decisions have been less Dr. Spock-ish and more like a “normal” person I guess. But it seems all the choices I’ve made the past decade apparently have all been bad too. Too long to give an example. But basically I am wondering if I am even CAPABLE of making the “right” decisions that make my life better instead of worse.
OR- is it that I AM Capable, but it is the Universe and how life throws you curve balls or throws you shit in the proverbial fan time and time again.
I just don’t know anymore. I feel like no matter what I do, I’ll be miserable, alone, poor, depressed, and fucked up.
Not that I want to engage in alcohol/drugs/hang around bad ppl, etc, but the ppl who fuck up their lives bc of stuff like that CAN turn their lives around once they decide to not do stupid shit. But in MY case- what’s my “excuse”? HOW can I make good decisions that ACTUALLY turn out good?
Idk anymore. I don’t trust myself to make the “right” decisions, nor do I trust the Universe NOT to throw anymore shit at me.