I used to have a bad friend named Brent. Brent was the type of guy who called himself my friend, but really only kept me around to make fun of me. He put me down all the time, drew things on my face when I passed out at parties, and did all kinds of cruel things to me for no reason. At that time in my life, I hated myself, and so never stood up to him.
I haven’t seen Brent in years.
I bought a knife a long time ago. I’ve carried that knife in my pocket every day since I got it, so that if I ever ran into Brent again that I could either hurt him or kill him. I wanted him to understand the pain and humiliation he’s caused me. I wanted him to have a moment where he realized that all those things he did to me resulted in his eventual demise.
However, lately, I’ve been thinking about getting rid of the knife instead. Holding onto vengeance has turned me into a really hateful person in general. It takes up a lot of my internal energy. Energy that I could be using to make a more peaceful life for myself. Energy I could be using to love and respect myself better.
So today, I’m going to get rid of the knife. Brent will never say sorry, even if I did happen to run into him again, which is unlikely as it is. I’m going to let go and just forget about him. He never deserved my energy to begin with, and I’ve given away too much of my time over him as it is. Today, I let go of my grudge, and I start along a different, more peaceful path. I hope this is the correct choice. I believe it is.
3 comments
I carried a knife for quite a while, not for vengeance, just because it was useful. What ended up stopping me was working in buildings that either had metal detectors or other explicit rules prohibiting knives. I still own a fair amount, in fact earlier today while I was cleaning I came across a beautiful pocket knife with a bone handle and faux damascus blade… the damascus was faux, it’s still an actual blade.
wow, that’s great. i would love to let go of my grudges, but that feeling is not something i can really control. especially as a small weak female, i can’t just go and punch someone and feel better lol.
That sounds like a healthy step. I still carry a lot of anger towards people who hurt me when I was young (peers who spat on me, hit me, kicked me out of nowhere), but when I think about it I realise there were reasons they were the way they were that stretched back beyond them. My hope would be that if I ever meet them again, they’ve grown past those parts of themselves to the point they would be genuinely apologetic.