The desires that burn within me are seemingly inexhaustible. Presumably that’s why I’m still alive. Because if I’m dead then that’s the end for them. Even though I’m doing very little to pursue them, and there seems to be very little chance that any of them will ever be fulfilled.
There’s something so depressing about being able to see the futility of the motivations and drives within you, yet having nothing else within you strong enough to override them. Reason being ultimately the slave of the passions. The only thing that could overpower my will to live would be the development of a stronger will to die. And I think the only way that could happen would be for my life to become truly hellish.
So I’m forced to live. Or I’m forcing myself to live. Or the forces within me are forcing me to live. But there’s no possibility of a satisfactory outcome. And I know that, rationally. So I’m not living effectively. I’m not really doing anything to even symbolically move towards my desires. I’m just doing the bare minimum to survive. Survival for a future that doesn’t exist. And I’m constantly creating suffering within myself, because the desires realise I’m doing nothing towards their fulfilment, and torment me all the more because of that.
But I cannot bring myself to work towards a goal that I know will never be realised. I just can’t maintain the energy for that. My motivation is far too fractured. I need a reward to dangle in front of me, a light at the end of the tunnel. And there isn’t one. And I’m not good enough at lying to myself to convince myself otherwise.
Anyway, here’s a song I’m currently projecting my feelings onto: