DISCLAIMER: Sensitive material ahead! Please do not read if you would find it triggering to read about darker urges, including but not limited to sexual content or violence. Read at your own discretion only.
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So, one of the things I see a therapist for are paraphilias. You see, I once traveled to Kentucky so I could attend something called Scarefest. Various actors and actress from horror movies were there, and you could pay to meet them and get your picture taken. When I attended, the biggest actors were Matthew Lillard and Skeet Ulrich from the original Scream movie from the 90’s. There were all kinds of vendors selling collectable things too. Horror video games, fake body parts, paintings, pokemon cards, and you could even get tattoos.
One of the vendors was selling actual human remains. Skeletons and individual bones, like ribs or a pelvis. And it sort of fascinated me that I could just legally purchase someone’s remains. The thought hadn’t occurred to me before, bc usually when I thought of death I thought of coffins and burials. My fascination got the better of me and after some haggling, I bought a human heel bone from the vendor for $30 (I actually wanted a spine vertebrae but it was WAY too damn expensive. And In case you’re wondering, these bones come from donors or unidentified deaths. Medical cadavers and bones used for anatomical education.)
For a while after that, I was like Gollum and the Ring. I just couldn’t put the heel bone down. I had part of someone. I possessed someone. And something about that gave me energy that I didn’t anticipate.
I won’t get into too much detail, but I’ve developed Osteophilia from it. A sexual gravitation to bones and skeletons specifically. There’s a website where you can purchase actual human skeletons and bones and have them shipped to your house, and over time I’ve built up a collection. I keep them in a safe, and I keep the keys hidden.
I have violent daydreams sometimes though, and an unfortunate consequence of the Osteophilia is that my violent daydreams are becoming intermingled with sexual ones sometimes. Because if I daydream about ending someone, I inevitably also think of their bones. And that’s why I see a therapist, this and a second paraphilia, which some of you may already know about.
My therapist thinks that the possession aspect of it all has to do with a core struggle with loneliness, which I suppose is true to some extent.
I wanted to share this though because I know some of you have expressed struggling with taboo things as well. A large part of my own suicidal ideation come from realizing how sick I am. Sometimes it feels impossible to be like everyone else, to fit in. And it should be alright to talk about these things, bc the more we speak about it the less power it will have over us. Or at least, that’s what I’m told.
15 comments
-what kind of violent daydreams do u have? and do you actually want to carry them out?
-i guess gettin’ off on bones is not so bad- as in versus someone who has desires to say- pedo a kid or hurt an innocent living person
-i’ve seen shows on “weird addictions” and there’s actually a good amount of ppl that have these weird addictions, but are too “taboo” for most ppl- like the guy who jerks off on hot cars. I would imagine that that guy is not alone in this, and that there’s WAY more than a few here or there that does get off on hot cars, especially given how much men love cars lol
-i don’t agree with ppl being able to sell dead remains. that’s a loophole i think should be closed (sorry, i know that this is your thing) but the ppl who donate their bodies to science- are not signing up their bodies to be bought and sold in the private market. that’s something that should be told to donors but are not.
-well congrats for having the courage to say what’s your affliction. you know, i was thinking worse stuff lol- cuz when ppl say they have “bad desires” i think of pedo or grape or smth along those lines.
Lots of ppl daydream about ending someone- like everyone wishes their boss would drop dead or their ex would get stabbed or wish the person who cut them off on the road would get run over or smth. But are those daydreams of actual ppl you want to hurt and are they desires to actually carry them out? (not just fantasizing about them)
I mean, I’m going to therapy, and even though I feel like I might actually do it sometimes, deep down I don’t think I would. What I want most is to be happy and to feel like I belong
well, i hope you don’t wind up acting on it. but if you ever feel like you might, go the dexter route and off the “bad” ppl- like murderers and rapists and shithole CEOs and whatnot. Go the Luigi route lol.
honestly, if someone offs rotten ass ppl, i don’t actually see it as a “bad” thing. i mean, ofc it’s illegal and all, but I don’t think it’s bad for say Luigi to off that asshole CEO. just mho.
I wrote something else last night but I wasn’t logged in so it was lost to the wind. There’s a bone museum in my state not 80 miles from me so I get the appeal.
It seems to me it’s partially the dissassociation that bone has from a human being. To take what was a person and turn it into a bone, that’s a transformative act. It also seems to feed or come out of death denial.
The thing I wonder the most is if bone was less rare to you if it would still hold the same appeal. I’ve had to clean up dead things before, strictly animal remains of course, but there have been bones. I don’t know how I’d feel if there were human bones, but I imagine similarly.
It’s just remains, end of the day to me. Usually I’m transferring remains into the dirt to where the dirt can do what it does to remains. That’s the cycle of life on this planet. I feel almost nothing. It barely registers as once a living thing.
Why should people be any different? We’re just as much future dirt as anything else.
It isn’t about rarity. It’s about dominance and desire to keep people. It’s the idea that I have someone. But, ya know. I’m working on it
like not being abandoned?
I suppose there’s some degree of that. My therapist thinks it’s a behavior to deal with an unconscious core wound of loneliness. They aren’t completely wrong.
But um. I think I just failed to control my own appetites and so they grew and grew into something…else. When I say I want to keep people, I mean like pets. Like in a basement, hidden away from prying eyes. Ive never acted on these feelings though, at least not full-blown. I’ve walked lines, but haven’t 100% crossed them.
The bones sort of allow me to possess people without causing suffering or alarm.
“I wrote something else last night but I wasn’t logged in so it was lost to the wind. ”
–I SO know what that feels like- all that writing and poof* gone. Happened to me way too many times- whilst I WAS logged in too. -_-
“The thing I wonder the most is if bone was less rare to you if it would still hold the same appeal.”
–That’s a good point. Other cultures (non white non western cultures) don’t see bone as such a rare thing. Like as a kid, I had to gut a live fish at the tender age of 10 or 12. The damn fish was alive and swimming/writhing in the kitchen sink. And apparently it was my job to kill and gut it and get rid of the bones and organs. And I was literally a kid- I grew up here in the US so I grew up with both white and non-white culture.
Anyhow, I found it so horrific to kill a living thing- they KNOW they’re going to be killed and they’re staring up at you and trying to wriggle away- very fcuking creepy- and a decade later, I became allergic to ALL seafood. kinda funny how that happened eh?
if i grew up not in the USA, i prolly would have had to kill an animal and gut it for food. it’s what ALL cultures had to do before grocery stores. SOMEONE had to kill them. Growing up in American culture, I can’t and don’t want to kill animals or fish, but it’s a common thing elsewhere where it’s an every day thing to kill seafood or small animals for food, and tons of kids do it bc they start you out young to learn how to kill, clean and cook foods. and it’s just a normal part of non-western culture. not taboo at all.
also serial killers tend to come mostly from the USA/western cultures where killing of fish/animals is rare.
it’s kind of like the nude beaches in Europe- Europeans are not all weird about nudity like Americans bc nude beaches are a normal common thing. But nudity is like “taboo” here, even mothers showing a tit to feed their baby in public draws outrage/lust in Americans here.
So maybe it’s like what @heartless alluded to- that it’s more exciting BECAUSE it is so taboo here- be it nudity or alcohol or animal killing or bones.
I’ve found so many dead things, dead cats, dead rats, dead raccoons, and unidentified bones, and because of my background in wilderness crafts I was the designated person to go deal with it. If you spend your youth hiking back trails and hanging out in swamps, people think it doesn’t do anything to you.
Then I also know for a fact I’m going to end up raising animals for meat, because that’s rural life.
i’m surprised u haven’t found dead human remains hiking so often in the woods. maybe i watch way too many forensic files and true crimes shows but there’s TONS of buried/murdered ppl in the woods that police just haven’t found or done shit about. I mean, here in NYC, they FINALLY caught the Gilgo beach serial killer, after he’s been killing for 20-30+ years. I mean, I’m more surprised that he was finally out and arrested than anything.
Well, I’ve seen plenty of animal bones in my life. It’s the human bones that get me. The fact that it was once a person.
Do you watch/follow mortician shows? i’m not fascinated by dead nor have such afflictions but YT recommended these videos from this mortician- Caitlin Dougherty- and I must say, I find her and her “Ask a Mortician” videos rather captivating. Have you seen her videos?
It’s so strange- I don’t have a fascination with death like you do, but I like watching grim shows for some reason- like true crime, murder shows, etc. Like addicted to these shows. Last video- comparison of the most gruesome ends. Like…normal ppl don’t watch shit like that.
I kinda feel like I’m a sick puppy too. I’m not homicidal- just a depressed sack of potatoes- but I don’t think it’s quite normal to be so fascinated with such grim shows 24/7…or…is that “normal”?? O_o
I haven’t watched mortician videos on YT (although maybe now I will), but I don’t think it’s unnecessarily abnormal. In some cultures, such as in the Goth community for example, death talk and death interests are pretty commonplace. It’s also unfortunately common for depressed people to gravitate towards shows or stories or themes surrounding death.
What I *HAVE* been watching are documentaries about people who collect people. Many of the people like that are serial killers, particularly Gacy & Dahmer (There’s something uncannily relatable about Dahmer especially). But there are others who aren’t killers at all, and are instead into BDSM lifestyles. One where someone agrees voluntarily to live as someone else’s pet, or property. There’s a particular case in the UK about a couple like this.
So, idk. Maybe my perception is skewed or biased, but I think human beings are a lot darker and more primal than we admit to ourselves on a public level.