It’s not by accident that I don’t have good words for where I am. Despite a lifetime of trying to become a better communicator, some things defy communication. Which was the central thesis of HP Lovecraft. Actually his was more that some things defy comprehension, but that’s pretty close philosophically.
I’m falling ever deeper into anhedonia, where nothing feels of any significance or satisfaction. It’s the ADHD, mostly. Depression does it also. I have trouble engaging with materials, like books or games I might play. Food I might eat, that’s a struggle. Projects I need to accomplish, very little luck on that front some days.
It’s just lack of appetite, and we’re talking total lack. In a consumption based society I get sick at the thought of overconsumption….. and would prefer a far simpler life. You’d think I was setting myself up to be some kind of, thing, to be looked at even a little and I’m not, I don’t want to be looked at, I’m tired of being looked at.
I think it might be time to go back to school, this is what it felt like last time it was. I got an encouraging nibble when I sent off basically an “I’m interested” form to the only school within driving distance of the area I want to aquire land in. They waived my application fee, that’s nice eh?
I just, it’s early yet. Will that amount to anything?
I’m not sure caring about it does it any favors anymore. Used to be it did…. but we don’t live in that world anymore. These days, a friendly indifference seems to do any task a world of good. After all, this wide world loves to surprise me more than to satisfy me, that appears more constant.
Piling books up waiting for the day my brain can process them again. What a day that’ll be eh?
I actually realized that there’s another side to this, non lifestyle related. I’m unhappy about current developments in the world of publishing. Certain writers are slacking, and it’s making me grouchy about reading other books. So as much as I grouse about my life, and the country and the state of the world, at least a certain amount of it is that one of my authors has an unfinished book series and I’m irritable about it.
I think it’s important to be able to seperate out like that, to realize that you have an author who let you down and you didn’t take it so well. He was chugging along pumping them out too, and now it’s been a year. I just want to know the conclusion to this one. It’s why I’m against serialization in the first place, leads to cranky people.
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You’re a decent writer yourself, you know. Maybe a book about your struggles? Just an idea, that’s all.
it has been suggested, though that would take a lot of interest in my own projects, and an assumption that a publisher would also be interested. The real trick is the publisher angle.
I made a start of it a long time ago, but the publisher angle killed it. That’s all motivation, the if then; if I write this chapter I’m going to get feedback, and then write enough chapters I get to go on promotional tour, do they even do those anymore? I’d also kind of want to feel like I’d get enough acclaim that I could get some speaking gigs on the back of it.
Then in a few years I’m writing a follow up, the cycle continues. If I could support myself off those two things, that’d be my private heaven.
There are just so many people trying to make it independent publishing. Standing out in that field is a real trick.
It’s good that your thoughts are on an education. Even if you don’t feel up to the task yet, having hope for something in the future; sometimes can be the only thing that will save us.