so we thought it was without reason, there was a reason at least according to what they told the employment commission, it was that I had the wrong kind of smoke on break. I’m spiraling down in tight awful spirals
hard dissemble, nothing to leave out now.
partway down now; the thing is I don’t trust outside of the prepared group easily, and this time I did, and this is why I don’t. If you aren’t pre vetted, there’s a reason you aren’t pre vetted. Definitely leaning into more militaristic and guarded from here on. You vet or you don’t, and most people don’t. Honest, I’m low on people to trust, and it’s incredibly tiring having so few people I can trust. That’s the reason the wound has such size.
probably as deep as I’m getting tonight, man I hope; Fearless Heart by Steve Earle
I really want to have a fearless heart, is the thing. I’m trying to write something new over this ditch that has formed, but it’s so fresh it all falls right back in
4 comments
I know how you feel. I sort of gave up on love forever, and as soon as I let someone into my heart again it just broke further the places I though were being fixed. I hate how irrational I am. When I’m alone, I wish I had someone, and when I have people, I wish I didn’t so I wouldn’t either hurt them or be hurt by them. Someday I guess I’ll either find someone, be okay with being alone, or destroy myself trying to be one of those. I hope that day is soon. And I hope you keep trying the same way I am. What’s the point of life if you aren’t trying?
I mean you kind of have to keep trying, it’s like breathing. I was shaking yesterday the worst I have in a long time. Today though, I’m trying again.
Someone gets through defences, which is what happened, what are they? take out the personal feelings, because there’s nothing personal in it. They’re just some punk. On reflection, that much was obvious, I was overly generous in my assessment. I’m not going to work in a team environment ever again, looks like. Not without vetting, and who has time to vet?
It’s just, repeatedly happening in my professional life. And people get mad at me for wanting to ignore that aspect of myself. When, it seems like the obvious solution. I’m still trying, but it’s a desolate road.
I’m not sure if I’m getting this right, but they basically had you… fired for what is in, at least in a bunch of places as far as I know, considered a medically and legally supported substance? As in simply THC/cannabis/weed, whatever one calls it, which seems to be far less dangerous than the normal kind of smoking or drinking? On a break of all things? And as far as I know, here in my state, well, absolutely no one cares whether you smell like it or not, whether you use it or not, not only because nobody knows your own individual situation and/or medical history, but because it literally is by the book more tame compared to what society normalizes and is usually legally obtained as far as I know nowadays.
I hope it’s at least clear that most people rationally should not be reporting you for such a thing, because obviously in this instance I feel like they were out to get you from the start if it’s over something that small. That is definitely not about whatever you were doing at that point, but rather them playing by whatever books are available in order to get into a position of immediate power over you (from my perspective), which is especially audacious of them. Especially. I’m not even sure how people think of doing that to other people, specifically in terms of what they gain from that. The kind of move that’s equivalent to holding one in a figurative sort of gun point for no reason, in the slightest, no benefit, nothing to be built out of it, even in terms of purely self related reasons, it makes no sense. Never will I’d bet, it’s just completely irrational. What the hell do their lives even look like at that point with that sort of behavior? I couldn’t even guess, that’s the kind of wild card (besides the bad intentions remaining consistent I assume, although I can’t necessarily say for certain who people are outside of myself) you’d be playing with. Especially confusing.
And yeah, speaking of which, it’s also especially confusing that we’ve had so many advertisements for tobacco related products and all that, and we have teenagers vaping and all that, which is considered much worse to weed at least in terms of the detrimental effects I’d imagine, and yet it is normalized so much more in comparison? Drinking is normalized so much more in comparison? Don’t get me wrong, all substances should be taken with a grain of salt, but still, HOW? There’s a tobacco industry, an alcohol industry, but NOTHING in terms of cannabis? Are said industries even built off of anything, or is this actually just a matter of advertising at such a rate? I mean, anything related to the companies that produce candy and especially sugar loaded brands of soda (Pepsi or Coca-Cola or A&W, whatever it is, pick your literal poison) obviously fall under those lines too in a sense, except well, it’s being given to kids way before middle school, most likely, unfortunately. It’s just especially missing the point to have all of these industries and related companies still standing, meanwhile they demonize cannabis of all things. The priorities are clearly elsewhere in terms of what is most beneficial for society to limit and get rid of, and yet they fire someone for the use of cannabis. This cannot be happening… and yet unfortunately it is.
Not a user of anything above myself except for quite bad cooking and improper usage of sugar, but either way, apologies you had to go through that, if they actually saw that as a “proper” reason for firing someone it’s probably best to find someone else in the first place. You are of course finding (hopefully) better company now rather than later, but I know it doesn’t change the fact that they rocked your boat in a figurative sense. Any period of unemployment especially when people can, at a bunch of times, live paycheck to paycheck, is not desirable to be in.
Going back to the first sentence of course, I mean, you are sort of right, it *was* without reason…