no one

Tried looking for help on a forum more focused on my specific issues. Was actually fully honest and open for once. Went pretty much as I’d expected. My post was taken down almost instantly. Some things you just can’t talk about, even to those who might understand. The only interaction I got was from a mod. They were respectful, but all they had to say was basically “You need to fix yourself before involving yourself with others. Fix your desire to do unacceptable things.”

And that’s pretty much all anyone ever has to say. And the question I always have is “How do you stop wanting something?” Because if any of us could do that, boy would life be simple. We can choose how to act on our desires, but the desires themselves are handed to us by biology and circumstance.

The reality I’ve been trying to avoid is that there’s nothing anybody can say. There’s no advice, there’s no guidance, there’s no fixing this. I’ve fucked up my life in such a unique and niche manner that the few people on the planet who can even relate are unable to talk about it, and wouldn’t have any constructive advice even if they could. I’m on my own, and I always have been. Even posting here is just screaming into the void. Sometimes the void screams back, or there’s an echo. But nobody can really understand, or relate, or help. It is in fact possible to fuck up so badly that that’s your situation. And that’s what I’ve done. And everything else I do is just denial of that reality.

I’m alone. And I have to take responsibility for that fact, and face it. Regardless of how lost and hopeless I feel. No one can save me. No one can help me. No one can understand. It doesn’t matter that we’re social creatures. It doesn’t matter that I don’t feel capable of managing alone. Because that’s the reality.

Any decision I make, any action I take, I’m the sole navigator. There’s no wiser mind out there who can guide me. No gods, no gurus, no teachers, no role models. I am an island.