I’m not entirely sure what made me think I could handle this, any of it. But fuck that part of my brain. I’m too much of an idiot for this job, every time I think I’m doing something right something gets fucked up. Granted that’s very typical of me. I’m overwhelmed, I’m very tired, I’m annoyed that I have to do this all over again tmr night and I had to nearly fight tooth and nail for a schedule. I’m the idiot that can barely grasp anything and I’m just another burden people have to deal w here. I’ve had to ask for help and apologize countless times already. And I’m just gonna do it again and again. I suck at this and I know damn well I was a desperation hire they will surely already regret soon.
I wish I wasnt so stupid, that for once I could grasp something someone says just once, that I could find the solution without having to bother others. I wish I wasnt just another thing in the way. But what the hell was I thinking? Did I really think that just bc I finally started doing the bare minimum that it’d change who I am? Fuck everyone irl that had implied that I’d be better, and even more laughable, happier. I never believed the latter anyway, but it still grates on my nerves. I’m grating on my own nerves at this point. Too many conflicting thoughts but at the core I’m still a pathetic piece of shit little parasite that should’ve did what she said she’d do 8 years ago. I’m not capable of this. I’m not enough. I’m never enough. I’m clawing just to reach the absolute bare minimum that is required in this life. I cant even do it. I sit there and watch people in pain here and I’m unable to do a damn thing ab it. I hate seeing it, people in pain. And yet this is what I do now. I’m not capable of it. I’m a fucking moron. This just gives me prove and more reasons to hate myself because now I’m forced to look at my failures and so are others. I just want to go home and lock myself in my room. Funny, at least that now I’ll have $ coming in I can save up for my method I had searched up a while ago. Or maybe find something different, who knows.
Maybe I’m just tired, or overwhelmed bc I’m actually having to get a fucking life and stop being an idiot the usual way, but I feel like I’m already breaking now that I’m being pushed. Fuck these people who cant give me a schedule until I’m here and then I didnt technically have to be here even tho I was asked, fuck the people who told me I’d feel something other than what I always feel after starting, fuck them for not even bothering to attempt to understand and tell me to grit my teeth and get over it. Fuck my mom for continuing to ask for $ I dont have and trying to drag me into family shit all over again, then just not talking to me, because I’m now starting to realize she doesnt give 2 fucks ab me.
And fuck myself for being like this. Weak, cowardly, unintelligent, not talented or skilled, a shitty friend, daughter, worker, person in general. Fuck you for being the selfish parasitic piece of shit that you are.