I had called my dad after I got off work this morning. Was crying but was able to keep myself somewhat together to talk. I don’t really know why I called, other than I hadn’t seen him/family in a while and was just overwhelmed in general. I asked if he thought something was wrong with me, and why I feel like there is. I think he had said there isn’t anything wrong, I’m just adjusting to things. I even told him that I feel like all I do is drag people down and burden people around me. Like at work. I can’t remember the full conversation now, although I know we talked for 30 minutes or so, maybe 40, and kinda calmed me down. I remember saying all I wanna do is help, and how I instead locked myself in my room at my mom’s for a year. I think he had said that I did help when I was down there, especially with my sister that needs a lot of care. He admitted that if I had a job in my teens it would’ve messed things up in that department – we’re not made of money, we can’t hire a sitter as often as they need(ed) it. He said I deserve/should get out of bed when I said I didn’t think I deserved to.
Obviously, I’ve never had a conversation like this with him before, and I still can’t fathom what the fuck came over me. Other than just… begging for scraps. For some sort of reassurance that I’m not completely fucked or that I’m worth anything at all. Typically if you’re already doing a good job you’d hear about it, right? I feel like I always have to ask, and even then it’s hard to decipher what is obligated and what is real.
Maybe I’m spiraling, maybe I’m just incapable of any of this. I wouldn’t ever do what I did this morning on a normal day. Even my spiral days/nights, I either hide, or, lately, bother a friend. But I’m doing that a lot more lately too, aren’t I? Everything just feels… escalated. It’s a lot easier for me to break down, I get very easily overwhelmed, and I don’t get out of bed for hours. Finally did, now that I woke up at 8pm. Blame my flip flopped schedule for that. Am I just pathetic? I do what I’m told, I force myself to ask for help/clarification instead of letting it lay. I think it gets on people’s nerves. I think I get on people’s nerves in general, because I’m too slow and stupid. I’m just another burden they have to deal with at work, just like I am everywhere else. I am making some progress, but clearly, they’re baby steps. They always go on and on about how they hardly got any training, got thrown on the floor, and just figured it out. Clearly, I’m not that kind of person.
Last night was a lot. It was calm for a while and then got hectic. Maybe because I was doing even more, maybe because we got in a rush, maybe because I kept being told about petty drama depending on whoever I was walking with to help. To be fair, one girl doesn’t have a filter/thinks she’s clever/badass when she snaps back at a resident. You know, what you’re quite literally told not to do? Looking at people at death’s door isn’t very fun, either.
I can’t believe I’m so stupid. I wish I could be stronger, smarter, braver, more reliable. Not whatever this is. And I genuinely have been trying to be that, especially these past few months. I’ve been pushing myself. But I’m tired of pushing. I know that’s my own fault, and I know it’s weak of me. I know I’m parasitic, sucking the life out of everything and bringing it down here, with me, to be miserable too. Fuck’s sake.
2 comments
I don’t know what your specific job is, but in my experience, being thrown in undertrained and overwhelmed to a job where you are responsible for the care of other human beings … it breaks people down, and it’s a toxic system. What it does , most often, is it weeds out and destroys the people who genuinely care (and no one beats themselves up like this unless they care) and either creates or leaves those that are apathetic, numb, or callous. Of course there are also some people who can thrive even so, or who miraculously don’t feel the damage, but it’s not weakness to struggle in an environment that an empathetic human *should* struggle in. It’s not wrong to want feedback, or to seek understanding or clarification. Earnest effort, care, and the courage to seek out what you need to improve is the mark of an excellent professional in any field.
I want to emphasize what Arachnophilia posted, which was very well-said. I’d also encourage you, if you happen to have a conversation with your family again, to tell them that you are depressed. With no shame and all love, you seem very clearly depressed. (We are all depressed to some extent here, of course. Yours just seems particularly…potent, I suppose. For lack of better words).
Much love and empathy to you. I don’t know what I could say to make things even momentarily better. But I, for one, care about your pain, and I wish you weren’t feeling it. Truly