Pretty safe to say that everyone on here has been screwed by it. From depression to schizophrenia, everyone on here has something going on up there. The funny thing is, it’s a thing that fucks you from birth. You have no real say in it. Certain illnesses like PTSD are sometimes forced upon us. There are so many times in my life I wondered why my brain was so broken. Why did it not function like everyone else’s. Of course in actuality most people have this sort of thing. They just hide it well. It’s not even illnesses that are the issue. Most facets of our life are determined how many hormones or endorphines or whatever go in and out of certain receptors. How we act and perceive things. Of course a lot of that is trained. We gain experience from lessons and punishments and rewards and all the other shit that bombards our brain every millisecond. It molds our brains to function a certain way. Sometimes it’s our own fault and a fair bunch of times it’s not.
I am afraid of failure. I have been for so long. I can’t remember when it started exactly. The exact point. I think my earliest memories of this fear is when I threw a fucking tantrum over possibly getting a B in Algebra instead of an A. A fucking B. I was in the 7th grade. My first time changing schools going from elementary to middle. New place new rules. Everything unfamiliar. My parents seemed so taken aback by my reaction. They had no clue why it was so visceral as it was. I wasn’t breaking things or screaming, just sobbing. But even that was so bizarre considering how tiny the problem was. My parents encouraged good grades. But they definitely weren’t going to crackdown on me over a B. So where did this fear come from? What was the inciting incident that pushed me in that direction? I got all As in elementary. A lot of people did. It’s elementary. At some point along the road I based the entirety of my identity around being a good student. So this failure was like I was losing that. I imagined that scared me and I also imagine I didn’t understand why. I’ve going on and on about my thoughts about purpose. What that means to me. So I guess I’ve always lost it at the idea of losing my purpose. But when did it happen?
Haven’t thought about her in a long time. I’m so glad about that. It does really feel like I’m free of her. Although it’s not like she did anything to keep me from being “free”. Always in my own head. I still remember the first time I saw her. Can’t remember too much detail, but I remember the major beats. I needed to ask a classmate about an assignment we might do in class or homework or something. I believe it was for English. So in High-School everyone would sit in the hallway by the lockers during lunch. Instead of the cafeteria for some reason. Made moving through that hallway during lunch a pain in the ass. Having to step around these stupid kids sitting with their legs crossed on the floor leaning against their locker. Their bags all over the fucking place and food too. So I go to talk to him and got a quick answer but then sitting by him was her. She mentioned to me that “some hot girl was in my area” or something. An ad on my phone had those stupid singles in your area thing pop up while listening to the radio. I don’t even remember why she could see it or if I even noticed her before she said something. But when I saw her some switch flipped in my head. I just kinda stared at her and didn’t say anything. I think she mentioned something about not to miss my chance. Can’t really remember. What a pointless interaction. So why does it appear in my head like it does? When I don’t even remember like 5% of high-school. What about her flipped that switch? On sight. I imagine before then I had seen her around in the halls or something. So why that point in time? Why her? What in my mind allowed this to happen? Why is it always out of my control? What exactly in my mind forced me to cling on to her for so long? It’s safe to say I’m free of those feelings. But I’m scared as hell of finding new ones.