That’s what it boils down to, doesn’t it-finding happiness again? At least for some of us. That’s why I’ve made my 60’s a hard limit for myself.
I do vacillate sometimes, in that there are moments I want to end it sooner…other times I feel optimistic about my future.
I got out of an ugly living situation, only to end up in something similar…not as bad but close enough that’s causing me to miss work and lose a lot of money. I’m pretty pissed off about it, but I will deal…and will likely have to move.
As for depression-luckily for me, I don’t suffer from any chemical imbalance in my brain or inherited any mental illness…my feelings stem from my situation. When my life is good again, then I’ll be happier.
But my time is short, heading towards my mid-50s. Each year that passes by makes my life that much more pointless to keep going.
If not for the job I have, I’d be really fkd….our city has gotten too expensive to live in, I have problems with my family and I don’t make enough to live on my own. I’d have to move in with my dad if my mom passes away…and neither he nor I want that.
I’m working on a side-gig which would’ve definitely succeeded if not for the living situation I’m in…so if I can get that working, I’ll be financially free and then I can quit my day job and travel or do whatever the f I want. Another advantage is that I’d just need a laptop to make my money from anywhere in the world.
But I’m still far from ‘easy street’ rn…but the worst is losing decades of my life, that didn’t pay off in any way. Largely it was my dad’s fault for putting me on the wrong path, when I was young, vulnerable and dependent on him for survival. He never did what was right for me, but what made him look good to his friends-they all talk about how their kids are in univ doing this or that program.
I was experiencing fatigue, stress, feeling burnt out from studying to get good grades so I can go to a good university…I told my dad I needed a year off to rest…he refused and said I have to work or go to uni…and as a result, my head was messed up, I was unable to study nearly flunked out of uni.
It just gets my blood boiling thinking of what an azzhole he was…after a couple of years I was ready to study again…but partly it was my ego, I put myself in one of the hardest engineering programs out there for bragging rights….I should’ve just switched to business, it would’ve been way easier and all the pretty girls went into those less difficult programs so I would’ve likely found my spouse also.
I think I’m like my mom, I got the book smarts, but not necessarily the street smarts or brains to recognize the traps I’m caught in how to get out of them…ofc hindsight is 20/20…others did suggest for me to switch programs, but I didn’t want to walk away from eng and say it defeated me…but in the end I got nothing for getting that iron ring…so it was a waste anyways.
Happiness is fleeting, when it is found it won’t last, but I’m sure it’ll occur again. I’m not horribly unhappy, at least as long as I don’t think about it too hard. After a few years of fighting battles I couldn’t win, I’m learning to accept it when I can’t change something.
Well, that’s probably sugar coating it. I’m learning to redirect my attention. I still want to rip through and get my way, I just know the limits of my energy. I won’t fight battles where the odds are already fixed against me. That’s a stupid mistake I want to stop making.
What I’ve found out is that there are way worse people than me in this world, and I get a lot of joy from watching those people experience their lives. During that, I don’t feel depressed. It seems to me people without depression are the strange ones anyway.
I think the only meaning for one such as I is finding a place, a task worth doing. I don’t have one right now and it’s miserable. I might find one later, and that would be delightful. I do have food to eat, and people who insist that I live, so I make the best of it.
1. Will I ever attain happiness? I don’t know. I’m going to try my best to get it, though. I recently watched a documentary about a guy that lived in the subway tunnels in NYC. He had no job, no house, and got his food from the dumpster. But he was happy, real happy. And free. And you could tell it wasn’t a lie because he just radiated positive energy. I figure if he can be happy, I probably could be too somehow. Maybe I just have to be a little more grateful. We will see.
2. Will my depression ever go away for good? I don’t think so. But maybe I don’t need it to go away for good. Maybe I just need it to go away every so often. I get down on myself a lot. And I feel very discouraged. But I’m still brave, and I still take action. It’s exhausting, but I’m fighting it. Again, we will see.
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That’s what it boils down to, doesn’t it-finding happiness again? At least for some of us. That’s why I’ve made my 60’s a hard limit for myself.
I do vacillate sometimes, in that there are moments I want to end it sooner…other times I feel optimistic about my future.
I got out of an ugly living situation, only to end up in something similar…not as bad but close enough that’s causing me to miss work and lose a lot of money. I’m pretty pissed off about it, but I will deal…and will likely have to move.
As for depression-luckily for me, I don’t suffer from any chemical imbalance in my brain or inherited any mental illness…my feelings stem from my situation. When my life is good again, then I’ll be happier.
But my time is short, heading towards my mid-50s. Each year that passes by makes my life that much more pointless to keep going.
If not for the job I have, I’d be really fkd….our city has gotten too expensive to live in, I have problems with my family and I don’t make enough to live on my own. I’d have to move in with my dad if my mom passes away…and neither he nor I want that.
I’m working on a side-gig which would’ve definitely succeeded if not for the living situation I’m in…so if I can get that working, I’ll be financially free and then I can quit my day job and travel or do whatever the f I want. Another advantage is that I’d just need a laptop to make my money from anywhere in the world.
But I’m still far from ‘easy street’ rn…but the worst is losing decades of my life, that didn’t pay off in any way. Largely it was my dad’s fault for putting me on the wrong path, when I was young, vulnerable and dependent on him for survival. He never did what was right for me, but what made him look good to his friends-they all talk about how their kids are in univ doing this or that program.
I was experiencing fatigue, stress, feeling burnt out from studying to get good grades so I can go to a good university…I told my dad I needed a year off to rest…he refused and said I have to work or go to uni…and as a result, my head was messed up, I was unable to study nearly flunked out of uni.
It just gets my blood boiling thinking of what an azzhole he was…after a couple of years I was ready to study again…but partly it was my ego, I put myself in one of the hardest engineering programs out there for bragging rights….I should’ve just switched to business, it would’ve been way easier and all the pretty girls went into those less difficult programs so I would’ve likely found my spouse also.
I think I’m like my mom, I got the book smarts, but not necessarily the street smarts or brains to recognize the traps I’m caught in how to get out of them…ofc hindsight is 20/20…others did suggest for me to switch programs, but I didn’t want to walk away from eng and say it defeated me…but in the end I got nothing for getting that iron ring…so it was a waste anyways.
Happiness is fleeting, when it is found it won’t last, but I’m sure it’ll occur again. I’m not horribly unhappy, at least as long as I don’t think about it too hard. After a few years of fighting battles I couldn’t win, I’m learning to accept it when I can’t change something.
Well, that’s probably sugar coating it. I’m learning to redirect my attention. I still want to rip through and get my way, I just know the limits of my energy. I won’t fight battles where the odds are already fixed against me. That’s a stupid mistake I want to stop making.
What I’ve found out is that there are way worse people than me in this world, and I get a lot of joy from watching those people experience their lives. During that, I don’t feel depressed. It seems to me people without depression are the strange ones anyway.
I think the only meaning for one such as I is finding a place, a task worth doing. I don’t have one right now and it’s miserable. I might find one later, and that would be delightful. I do have food to eat, and people who insist that I live, so I make the best of it.
1. Will I ever attain happiness? I don’t know. I’m going to try my best to get it, though. I recently watched a documentary about a guy that lived in the subway tunnels in NYC. He had no job, no house, and got his food from the dumpster. But he was happy, real happy. And free. And you could tell it wasn’t a lie because he just radiated positive energy. I figure if he can be happy, I probably could be too somehow. Maybe I just have to be a little more grateful. We will see.
2. Will my depression ever go away for good? I don’t think so. But maybe I don’t need it to go away for good. Maybe I just need it to go away every so often. I get down on myself a lot. And I feel very discouraged. But I’m still brave, and I still take action. It’s exhausting, but I’m fighting it. Again, we will see.