I want to die. Sometimes this happens. I usually ignore it. I get so busy with life and work I don’t notice after a while. Then eventually I don’t feel it anymore. I want to live. But this time it’s been this way for months I guess. I imagine the gun in my mouth a lot. A lot has happened. I got in a bad relationship with a man I didn’t know was married. I stayed even after I found out. Three people committed suicide here a few months ago. One was my neighbour of two years. We weren’t friends but we were becoming friends. I don’t know how it happened. It was so random. And so sickening. I got pregnant and had an abortion I didn’t really want. I feel so bad about it. I had to kill it. I loved it. I see all the fucking street dogs having babies this winter and I feel so terrible mine couldn’t live. It was in my body. It was alive. I was so sick because of it. My body was changing so much. My chest was so tender and I was so full of hormones. I was giving it life. It had no idea that it was a person to be. I kept imagining if it would be a boy or a girl. I loved it. The abortion was sickening. It was so depressing. All the healthcare workers judged me for being unmarried. I was so alone. My boyfriend didn’t think it was a big deal. He left to attend a wedding right after I found out. I waited a week to abort it because he wanted to be there. He didn’t want to miss a day more of work so he wanted me to wait till friday though he was back on thursday. We fought about it and broke up and patched up again. Then I lived with him for two months. He was nice sometimes and not nice others. He didn’t really care to talk to me. He was on his phone a lot. He would get angry at random things. I did all the cooking and cleaning like his wife in a typical sexist household. I watched my words so as not to upset him. Sex was only when he wanted it. Sometimes if I refused him something he would get upset. Sometimes not. Then he would ignore me or be rude. I don’t know why I did it. I know it wasn’t good for me. But I stayed and stayed and stayed. I’m still with him. Not living but with him. Now he ignores me even more. I didn’t want to make the decision then and I don’t want to now. I love him. But I will make the decision soon.
I haven’t managed to quit smoking. I have to. I keep telling myself I will. Someday soon I will.
I got raped some time back. The room still lives in my mind. A perpetual distrust for men has resulted from it. Times I smoke too much weed and during sex I feel the same way I felt then. An inability to say stop if I’m not enjoying it has also resulted from it. I did sex work after it. When I got raped I didn’t say no out of fear. When I did it for money I didn’t say no because it was business. Now I don’t say no. I can never decide if it’s appropriate. If it’s a small feeling or a big one. If it’s really important to make normal intimacy a problem for these feelings I can just ignore. I don’t want to leave my partner hanging. I don’t want to talk about why I’m not in the mood anymore.
Now I feel down. I’ve felt it for a while. I feel hopeless knowing these feelings keep coming back. No matter what I’m doing in life occasionally I feel like it wouldn’t matter if I ended it. And maybe I would prefer it. I don’t consider it an option because I know it will affect my family so badly. But if they weren’t there I don’t know if I would be alive or if I wouldn’t be seriously considering death an option. I know it wouldn’t matter if I ended it.
Somewhere in all this is the idea that I feel like nothing matters because I’m afraid of doing what I want. My parents expect success from me. I’m on a path to it. Law degree and climbing the corporate ladder after this. But I don’t want to do either of them. I have made my peace with knowing I don’t want what they want from me. But it’s difficult to make my peace with how disappointed or maybe confused or maybe just let down they are going to be with my choices. I don’t know how to reconcile the two.
For the first time in my life I have an exam in a day and I don’t care how much I score. I haven’t studied and I don’t care. I just want to pass. Finish the degree I started because otherwise it’s time down the drain. It’s the first time I’m going to acknowledge to myself on paper that I’m off this path to success. It’s scary thinking how my parents are going to take it. But I think it’s a brave step.
I want to be happy. I was happy a few months ago. I’ve lost it now. What used to make me happy no longer does. The things that made me content no longer do. Nothing seems to make sense. I have no idea what I feel as always. I have no idea what to do about it other than smoke as always. But I think I want to make a change. I don’t want to do this anymore. Be stuck on this endless cycle of unhappiness. I’m going to try. Maybe start by passing these exams and leaving this man. I’m going to try and be happy again.
1 comment
Glad the sordid post atleast ended on an optimistic high note. Godspeed on the open road(s) ahead of you 🙂