So much of it comes back to that I’m not sufficiently sorry, I’m not ashamed. I look at what I am, and by all accounts the thing I am was something I used to feel bad about. That’s just something I’ve been getting over.
I was going to lead with the German version of “Someone has to be Krampus”, but then I remembered this existed and thought it was a better choice for the moment. Where did the shame go though? I remember thinking there was something wrong with me, and I did all the corrective actions back when I believed there was something wrong with me. It appeared for some time that I thought my behavior and attitude were no good.
I put more into correcting my deficiencies than I did into my undergraduate diploma. Once I tamed my desire to attack authority figures, school was easy stuff. Now I’m realizing that was possibly a misstep?
Anyway the point is that I’m nothing with possibilities of becoming something but not much prospects. I’ll always be chasing something, and that something will always be challenging me, and me it. I can run pretty hard at this school thing, but whether it will be there when I reach speed is hard to tell. No other active oppertunity has shown much hope of generating something new and exciting.
I’ll be honest; I need excitement. My career has to move forward if it is to grow, and that’s what has been missing.
Outside of excitement, and maybe being provided for better than I am, it’s just going to be what it’s going to be. The people who are going to make things more expensive, and make it harder to get healthcare and so on, they’ll do it about the same to me if I work or not, because either way I won’t make enough to donate sufficient to a campaign to matter to them. So me working isn’t advancing my material wealth in that sense.
BTW by “working” I mean traditional work at a W2 workplace. I’ll always work, but working for myself isn’t work because it isn’t hard, I enjoy it. The point is that I might be able to get by just fine on my own. The system may be done with me, and I may be done with the system.
What else can I conclude? What I was making at my last job barely covered expenses. Four years out of college and I hadn’t found a way to get to grad school? A year of social work and betrayed by a supervisor, some living. Crooks get ahead and honest folk get the shaft, that seems to be the way in Oklahoma.
Maybe, just maybe if I can get out and see another state where these idiots haven’t wrecked the education system there might be hope. That’s my pet theory. I certainly haven’t heard of any other state superintendent of schools planning to put bibles in every classroom……… I mean that’s just silly. They’re already in every hotel room.
Anyway shifting focus away from my broken state and back to my broken self, I need healing. I need to learn to forgive myself, and those around me who treated me as less than, as a second class citizen because I didn’t toe the line hard enough. It wasn’t possible, turns out. I broke myself in half trying to make these people happy, because it put me in the hospital. I had a psychiatric break because I was trying to keep a job is this impossible economy. Manic episode evolved into a psychotic episode. This was all eight years ago, and we’ve all done everything we can to prevent it from ever happening again.
The point is; this is who I am. I realized that sometime after they weened me off the anti psychotics. Well, the more severe ones. How I would love to be off antipsychotics entirely, that’d be a lovely world that was that safe. I don’t get to be anyone else. So I might as well make my peace with the fella. We’ve got a little over 50 years left in this ride, maybe less, but maybe more.
It’s lonely I guess is the thing I’m trying to get around to saying. I haven’t met many others like me. I meet people at the next stage, where life starts working for them. I’m not there yet though. My life doesn’t work. Obviously.