I turned 37 today. It’s not a big landmark birthday or anything, creeping closer to the big 4-0 which isn’t looming like 30 did. As a middle aged man I’m in the top demographic for suicide, which is interesting I guess. Like I said a few days ago, I think the smoking is going to take care of that for me in due course. I don’t have to work at it. Last night my knees gave out under me, just like an old chair the joints failed. No one saw, but I did.
Anyway usually it feels like my birthday is cursed but it’s been such a wrecked year that the last few days have been relatively nice by comparison. Everything is going to heck, but what is anyone to do about that?
It’s all to say everything is pointless, but with every day it bothers me less. I was an existentialist, believing that it was I who gave meaning. Now I wonder if anyone can. The search for meaning may well be endless and pointless. They were at it back in the time of the Roman Empire, as long as tired old people have been trying to make sense of this thing, there have been people pointing out the senselessness of it all.
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Happy Belated Birthday. True life is inherently without meaning.
I was just thinking this earlier today when I was going through a drive through. I was looking at some houses in the distance and thought about gravity.
If it wasn’t a pulling force or if it had any value other than what we have now, too weak or too strong and none of this would be here.
No stars, no planets, no life, no suffering, no people to hate or love. Just vast emptiness with nobody around to witness it.
After our forced stay on this planet for 80 years or so, we return to that emptiness.
To think life could be a beautiful, wonderful, magnificent experience. But we have total morons breeding like animals. Bringing children into the world and they are unable to look after them or cannot afford to.
They pass along their flaws and problems and usually poverty as well…they throw these kids into horrific situations. Some people are still stuck in a barbaric mindset.
There should be real laws against this…I won’t get into detail because I know I’ll irk a lot of radical lefties, but anyone can fill in the gaps.
Let’s flip it to the ideal scenario…an attractive couple with wealth and a great home. No diseases and a good personality, looks and intelligence. Basically the best that humans can be…why can’t we have a world like that?
I’m even fine with stretching that and saying people who are middle to upper class should only reproduce. Maybe they’re not the hottest people on Earth or the smartest, but they have some money to pass down and while the kids will have some suffering, it’ll make them stronger…that’s still ‘ok.’
I can see why some people want a poor, lower-class around, so they’d do jobs nobody else will…but we’d still find ways or people willing to do some grunt work.
I guess it’s hard to build utopian paradises when you still have to get necessary work done.
Getting back to your post-at least people are free to find their own meaning in life…the trouble is that for centuries religions have been ‘forcing’ their version of what life is about onto followers…the more tyrannical religions didn’t give people other options or they were labeled heretics and burned at the stake.
So at least we can be grateful here in the West, we still have freedom of thought/conscience for now…but there are religious bullies out there trying to take that away from us and drag us back a thousand years or more.
Some of the best moments in my life were one-time events that I could never get back and I was never quite ready for them. So if I can’t have great experiences at all, it’s a mundane, useless existence.
Once my elderly mom passes away, there’s really nothing keeping me here. I’m close to another family member, but since she’ll be fine without me…I might opt for Maid….there are things I love about life, but as stated if I can’t live the ‘good life’ then it’s as if I wasn’t here anyways…so it’s best to stay true to my words and ‘opt out.’
I should add I was thinking of gravity in a bitterly sad way…I kind of wished it didn’t allow planets to form. It’s really about the hatred of my own existence.
Maybe if I had some good relationships work out with some girls I dated, perhaps I’d be a little more positive…but happiness seems rare and sadness and despair at the norm for people in our situations.
Despite that, I continue to be a positive force to others in my life….and generally they are that way for me to. At least I’m not surrounded by people I despise or who are negative and bring me down.
At least for me, if I can improve my financial situation, buy my own home…find a good s/o…then I’ll be ok with living….I’ve given myself 5-10 years to change my situation.
A big Hapoy Birthday to you! Thanks for making my life more bearable