I don’t really know what to say anymore. I’ve got zero steam. Zero. This stupid motor problem has killed it all. I’ve tried offering solutions but it always seems like they don’t take me seriously or that I’m wrong. Which a lot of the times is true. I’m reliant on people that won’t even give me the time of day. It sucks. For now all I can possibly do is write and some calculations. But just got no motivation to do so. Been putting it off and lying in bed for the past 2 days. Before that I was back home for a week and didn’t do shit either. I haven’t even bothered contacting my “references” for the PhD program. Been a week since I’ve said anything about it to anyone. I just don’t really have the heart to. It’s all pointless. I replay the vibe and mannerisms I saw when I was meeting with my advisor. Tried to remember if he hesitated at some point or actively skirted around answering me certain things. I think that’s why I hate talking to people so much. You can never be too certain what they really mean. If everyone just put everything out there, it’d make my job a whole lot easier. The few people in my life I’ve ever been able to put everything out there with were probably the only people I’ve ever gave a fuck about. Can’t say there’s ever been that many. Makes sense why I went all in for letting my purpose being everything. I need to do something fast. Going to present next week and fall on my face again. Wonder how much klonopin I can get away with without appearing catatonic.
2 comments
So it’s already a foregone conclusion that the presentation is going to tank? You’d think knowing that would be some comfort.. I never know what any of my performances will be.
Will you be able to wrap on the masters degree though? My understanding has been that the PhD was always more of a passion thing than a profitable project for most of us, and the masters was enough pedigree to set someone up for a decent career.
If you think you’re going to fail anyway, I would go for broke and just include your objections about the motor in your presentation. Maybe there’s a way to demonstrate the faults you see, and also how things should’ve gone if things had gone correctly. If you have nothing to lose…idk. It sounds like you’ve done all you could.